Not them. Them's is Zoids, you see?

I was worrying more about these.

Chalfonts. Farmer Giles. Emma Freuds.

Having had an itchy and sore ricker for the last couple of days, I was wondering whether or not some of the NAAFI residents would be able to tell me exactly what they are and how to self diagnose.

And let's be honest, it's got to be funnier than putting it in the RAMC forum.

I hope you're washing your hands after a good ol' scrat... or are you saving that finger for a special skiff?
A Gwar with piles. Now that's got to be a really pure form of justice.
gingwarr said:
Having had an itchy and sore ricker for the last couple of days, I was wondering whether or not some of the NAAFI residents would be able to tell me exactly what they are and how to self diagnose.
Try a little soap and water. :D
Put deep heat on them, if it really f ucking hurts then not only are you a dozy cnut, you probably have piles, let me know.
shove 'em back in with yer finger. That's what I do!
Go to RAMC forum. They like a laugh too you know - or......just get your bestest best bezzer to garrotte them with fishing line*

*No purchase necessary. The value of cr@p advice may rise as well as fall. Always read the label.
Had them myself since I took those NAPS vitamin pills we were given in the sandpit. Germoloids is the best roid cream, but it smells of Germoline, so be careful! You don't want to put roid cream on a zit! :oops:
Large Pampers and let nature take its course.


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wire brush and dettol
You need to keep an eye on the fcukers. Not literally, you'd have to be a contortionist for starters, and your eyeballs would smell of sh1t which would make a trip to the opticians fun.

A little scratchy, "bulgy vein" and a bit of claret on the bog roll is the start. Lucky people can stabilize their Emmas at this stage through (A) not straining on the bog, (B) thorough use of the old Prep H (cream, not gel, gel stings as bad the fcuking 'roids in my fairly extensive experience) and (C) keeping your back doors clean and minty at all times.

If you start getting the old "Phase 2" Emmas it's time to see the doctor. This way you won't end up in casualty with a gusset that looks like a scene from "The Thing." I did my TA basic trg at Bassingbourne with a Queensman with epic Emmas. On the CFT they exploded, he looked like he'd been shot up the arse with a wombat. As I was stood behind him I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The DS were frankly awe-struck by his grim determination to continue and he was taken to hospital at the finish line. Of course, this is the type of pluck that wins wars. That was the 80's, nowadays I suppose he'd be carted off by a crack RAMC Proctology Support Unit and given counselling.

So, to sum up:

Keep your arse clean and monitor the Emmas. Or else.

I had raging chalfooners, and I was a bit embarrased to go to the MRS, but one of blokes on the tank park suggested an old remedy that his mum used to knock up for his dad's roids. He reckoned that packing your sphinny with a teabag poltice would do the trick.
I was a bit dubios but to be honest I thought it was worth a crack of the whip as he was a pretty switched on type.
Big mistake.
After two days they were twice as bad, it looked like I had a second scrotum hanging out of my ricker. They were glowing like a ready brek kid and radiating heat like the blast from a medium yield detonation.
I couldn't take it any longer and got myself down the docs.
On entering the surgery the doc asked. "And why are you here young man."
"I've got piles, Sir."
"Have you? Lend us a fiver then."
No seriously I bent over and he checked out my tealeaf caked ring.
"What can you see then, Sir."
"Well." He said, "Your going to go on a long journey and meet a tall dark stranger!"


All joking aside, you're not a man unless your hoop bleeds.
NOOOO Rigger I am quite literaly crying laughing. ! the office is asking why and Im saying piles !

In all seriousnes though if you get em bad, They put little tiny lacky bands around them until they drop off !!


A mate had them and his description of the journey to casualty had me wetting myself. I had him stop at the description of the "Surgical Pinking Shears" that were used to snip them off as my sides hurt. The wearing of a man sized nappy for 6 weeks while his hoop muscles recovered was another night of fun in the pub.
Seriously though I'd get them seen to as the MO poking his digits around your back doors is a tad uncomfortable. He didnt see the funny side of my request for a surgical shoe horn to pop them back in after a run! I blamed it on the diet at Wainwright which was steak 3 times a day or at least felt like it! I had to drink pints of bran sludge in little sachets for 6 weeks but gave up after 3 days. Come and go so I lay of the spicy and guiness till they calm down!
My dad used to tell us about a bloke at his work, who's Emma Freud's were so pronounced that he had to be careful that he didn't catch them in the bog seat, when he sat down for a cacky.

I think i've always been borderline. I've never been diagnosed with a proper set, but sometimes my ricker was so tender on the wipe that I assumed they were just getting ready to pop out. A lot of my trouble stemmed from not wiping my arrse properly after my pre-run shi-te. By the halfway point my hole used to be red fcuking raw and had a similar surface temperature to the Sun.

You know that noise that's made when a blacksmith put's a red hot horseshoe into the water to cool? You could hear a good impression of that in the ablutions, when I used to lower my tortured hoop into the bath.
Get an ostomy put in that will give your ring a chance to rest or just get your coit sewn shut. This should fix the issue of those pesky haemorrhoids hanging out and making passing urbanites think your arrse resembles a vineyard at harvest time. In saying that having your ricker sewn shut may cause other issues with faecal compaction down the track this is easily fixed by vigorous and thorough use of a large gauge suction unit. If the aforementioned bumgrapes really are that bad, however, you might prefer getting a large man of dubious middle eastern background to oil his hampton up and push them back inside for you.

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