Rocketeer's Tall Tale for My Fellow Jargon Expats..

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by Rocketeer, Nov 26, 2004.

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  1. Well, gang...

    Another weekend is upon me and the prosepct of having to clean out the gutters and actually do something is only tempered by the fact that Her Majesty the Queen has asked me to help her out personnaly in matters of great import, come Monday... The Crown [ to use her nickname ] has asked that I step up and put my duty to Queen and country to the test...Yes, Fans.. I have been called for Jury Duty..

    I'm pullng my hip waders and eye goggles out of storage and preparing to wade into the Jury Pool come Monday morning...I trust that they will see my serious demeanor and devoted interest in the rightness of things and assign me to some multiple sex slasher slaying where I can be rightously indignant whilst upholding the right of the defendant to a fair and honest appraisal..giving him the required ' reasonable doubt. '..before condenming him to 'time served ' and a stern warning..

    I dread , however, the prospect of having to sit through some arcane business manipulation gone sour filled with mind numbing pie charts and ' expert ' witnesses spouting columns of numbers in hypnotic monotones...

    Not for me, however, the weaselling out of my duty as an urpright citizen by feigning ignorance of English or having to be at home to nurse 25 cats sick with distemper, nor will I don my " Nuke 'Em All. Let God Sort Them Out " T-shirt..or demand to be sworn in using the Satanist Bible...

    nope.. I, proud citizen.,.will step up and do my best to condemn every rotten bastard to house arrest on weekends, 100 hours of community service and an abject apology in 14 point type in the local fishwrap...

    And, without violating the security/secrecy rules , if possible, I shall keep all you rotters to a day by day, blow by blow of just how forceful and enlightened modern jurisprudence can be in sorting out miscreants from the honest folk and, thus, making the world a safer place...

    Can't wait.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  2. So it'll be a hung jury then 8O
     
  3. Wear your Sergeants uniform, it will really make an impression! :D

    Last time I was on jury duty, I got picked for a burglary/resisting arrest with violence case. I don't envy you your task.
     
  4. or a suit either will get you struck out as it will make you look law abiding
     
  5. Woody:

    You don't think a thread bare tuxedo and the red baseball cap with the foam antlers would give the wrong impression then?
     
  6. might up set the judge i guess
     
  7. Not if you don't mind being the next guest of the authorities. 8O
     
  8. Civic duty.. my big fat hairy A**..

    To those steeped on Perry Mason or who live on reruns of Law and Order, even those across the pond who have a passing interest in Rumpole of the Bleedin' Bailey, the reality of Jury Duty is a mind numbing waste of time and life..

    Gawd... There I was at the appointed 0930 hours breathlessly awaiting my moment to affect the lives of countless minions of this fair domain..Motivated to assist the downtrodden and marginalized. I joined the teeming masses yearning to be free as we wended our slow way through the security barriers of the court system..Through airport security scanners we faced a second hurdle as a ' special constable ' [ i.e. low paid security guard ] invaded our personal space desultary waving a beeping baton around armpits and private areas seeking contraband.. In retaliation, I utilized my best Sherlockian insights to deduce that he had had a sausage and egg mcmuffin and black coffee for breakfast, if the evidence on his shirt and tie could be truseted without further forensic analysis...

    From there we were' processed ' ,much like cattle at a slaughterhouse, to a large holding pen..500 of us milling about listlessly, occasionally straining to hear garbled intructions from an inadequate public address system...the outcome , of course, was to separate us into manageble elements to provide fodder ..er.. jurors.. for 10 concurrent cases...

    By 1130 hours my group [ panel 88 as we been labelled ] still sat about awaiting disposition...informed that, momentarily, we would be taken into court..having been fortified by a luke warm coffee purchased from an itinerant peddlar...we continued to sit..

    At 1245 hours we were ushered into court where the presiding justice informed us that the case to be tried would involve two women charged with attempting to import a controlled substance to wit -cocaine -...we were then dismissed for lunch [ at our own expense ] and requested to return for 1430 hours...

    at the appointed hour, once more convened.. names were drawn from a revolving drum, like bingo numbers at a chruch basement..three groups of 20..the balance of the jury pool were now excused and sent on their way great sighs of relif echoing the hallowed halls of justice..

    we luckless 60 now proceeded to smaller rooms, graciously given more lukewarm coffee [ this time at public expense ] and told to amuse ourselves until called for..Group one was deputed,, then group two.. while we sat about until 1630 hours told that we may have to return the following day should 12 people good and true [ plus 2 alternates ] couldn't be chosen..

    finally at 1710 hours.. we were informed that 14 hapless victims had been agreed upon by prosecution and defence and I was returned to soceity free of all obligations to serve justice...

    So much for high drama... It'll never be a reality TV show..

    time for a beer..
     
  9. From the Dallas Morning News:

    A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

    "an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

    "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

    8)
     
  10. From "Disorder In The Court: Verbatim Transcripts From Actual Court Cases," an unfortunate (from the defense point of view) voir dire examination of a prospective juror, by defense counsel, in a Florida capital murder case:

    Defense counsel: Could you permit yourself to be part of an endeavor that could result in the taking of a human life?

    Prospective juror: Uhm, they do that down at Raiford (State Penitentiary), don't they? Yeah, I guess I could, if we could do it on a weekend.
     
  11. Hmmmm, is it a co-incident that your summon's came at the same time President Bush is making his first visit up North?