Ripping African Yarns.

The “Worst Airport in the World” thread seems to have sparked several tales of the dark continent. South America and South Asia feature highly as does a hefty chunk of Eastern Europe. But Africa seems to bring out some astonishing hair raising stories. Here’s one from my collection:

Lubumbashi in Southern Zaire and it’s one of many consulate parties where HMG is picking up much of the tab. The Queen’s official birthday or some similar nonsense. Any excuse. Houseboys, borrowed from neighbours are passing out trays of drinks, shop and gossip talked and everybody getting fairly pissed, good time had by all .

Until one of the houseboys, charged with taking jackets etc runs in and tells the host that he thinks the house next door is being burgled. The dogs are going apeshit, there are definitely human shapes in the garden, you can see them through the fence.

We all rush out into the garden. Make lots of noise, torches on, bang sticks on bins, scare them off and.........

BANG! **** me! The woman on my left has been shot in the head. The round went round her skull and exited by her right ear. A Zairois Military police car exits the crime scene with tyres screaming.

All complaints come to nothing. We got her down to JoBurg on a Methodist mission flight that same night, they being the only sober pilots there , and she came back 4 months later. Very strange in the head from then on and eventually back home to Brussels.

Nobody ever charged or anything like it.

Just another day in Africa.
 
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Cops weren't paid there, so stopping mzungus was their pay day. Automatic US$300 fine if you were dumb enough to stop at one of their makeshift road blocks made from a couple of branches and an old paraffin can or whatever they could find.

If you couldn't pay the fine right there (no receipt or legal bit of paper to say which law had been broken, natch) you'd end up in one of the clinks around town. Of course, no mobile phones in those days, so if you didn't return SOP was for mates/crew to start driving around the local cop shops to find you with a handful of dollars to buy you out.

After a bit you figured out how to deal with the problem by simply driving round them on the sidewalk or through whatever gap you could find. Generally not armed and likely no ammo if they were. Might have been that they just weren't desperate enough to shoot a mzungu and risk getting offed by a senior cop for causing trouble.

They'd stop almost new vehicles with a mzungu (walking ATM) driving and make up some crime, but trucks with only three wheels and a bunch of blokes sat in the back to keep the wheelless corner off the gound, no doors or windscreen, no headlights (just a hole where they used to be) and held together mainly by rust would pass without batting an eye with a local at the wheel.
 

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
The “Worst Airport in the World” thread seems to have sparked several tales of the dark continent. South America and South Asia feature highly as does a hefty chunk of Eastern Europe. But Africa seems to bring out some astonishing hair raising stories. Here’s one from my collection:

Lubumbashi in Southern Zaire and it’s one of many consulate parties where HMG is picking up much of the tab. The Queen’s official birthday or some similar nonsense. Any excuse. Houseboys, borrowed from neighbours are passing out trays of drinks, shop and gossip talked and everybody getting fairly pissed, good time had by all .

Until one of the houseboys, charged with taking jackets etc runs in and tells the host that he thinks the house next door is being burgled. The dogs are going apeshit, there are definitely human shapes in the garden, you can see them through the fence.

We all rush out into the garden. Make lots of noise, torches on, bang sticks on bins, scare them off and.........

BANG! **** me! The woman on my left has been shot in the head. The round went round her skull and exited by her right ear. A Zairois Military police car exits the crime scene with tyres screaming.

All complaints come to nothing. We got her down to JoBurg on a Methodist mission flight that same night, they being the only sober pilots there , and she came back 4 months later. Very strange in the head from then on and eventually back home to Brussels.

Nobody ever charged or anything like it.

Just another day in Africa.
Was it this sort of Embassy 'do'?
1597090450446.jpeg
 
Out for a little jog in Uganda one day, I was chased up the road by a local from a bar waving a panga machete and shouting "Mzungu". I think he was only doing it to show off to his oppo's at the bar.

Unfortunately for our hero, SOP's was rucksack, radio, water,1st aid and weapon at all times. He soon pissed off when I pulled the 9mm out.
 
I loved my time in Namibia and I won't hear a bad word said against the place. They let me go hunting (for a cash fee) Here's the striped deer I bagged - I got the vicious brute right in the eye before it was able to savage me.

IMG_0746 copy.jpg


Edit: this is joke - I didn't actually shoot a zebra.
 
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I loved my time in Namibia and I won't hear a bad word said against the place. They let me go hunting (for a cash fee) Here's the striped deer I bagged - I got the vicious brute right in the eye before it was able to savage me.

View attachment 496134
My old man would have made you eat it - unless it was capable of eating you.
 
My old man would have made you eat it - unless it was capable of eating you.
My old man would have said the same to me. In this case the zebra died from anthrax. The wounds to the eyes and groin are from Vultures. It's where they attack the carcass first.

The Chief Game Warden of Etosha thought it would be amusing for me to pose next to it.
 
My old man would have said the same to me. In this case the zebra died from anthrax. The wounds to the eyes and groin are from Vultures. It's where they attack the carcass first.

The Chief Game Warden of Etosha thought it would be amusing for me to pose next to it.
Faith restored.
 
My old man would have said the same to me. In this case the zebra died from anthrax. The wounds to the eyes and groin are from Vultures. It's where they attack the carcass first.

The Chief Game Warden of Etosha thought it would be amusing for me to pose next to it.
You are Steve Irwin?
 
Out for a little jog in Uganda one day, I was chased up the road by a local from a bar waving a panga machete and shouting "Mzungu". I think he was only doing it to show off to his oppo's at the bar.

Unfortunately for our hero, SOP's was rucksack, radio, water,1st aid and weapon at all times. He soon pissed off when I pulled the 9mm out.
#Mzungu lives matter.
 
This thread is good for a laugh for any with an aviation interest:

 
This thread is good for a laugh for any with an aviation interest:

There are some absolutely classic dits on that forum. Among many that caused me to laugh out loud was the one about the check-in security x-ray machine being broken but they passed the bags through it manually.

Mind you, after reading that forum I still applied for a job flying there. I sometimes think there is a higher power to save idiots from themselves.
 
My old man would have said the same to me. In this case the zebra died from anthrax. The wounds to the eyes and groin are from Vultures. It's where they attack the carcass first.

The Chief Game Warden of Etosha thought it would be amusing for me to pose next to it.
Ah yes, old Empo Rermong, he was quite the wag. They didn't have zooological distancing where he came from.
 

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