Retards and Rejection

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by RTFQ, Nov 29, 2005.

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  1. RTFQ


    Right, I know this has been discussed in the mong sh@gging thread, but I wanted to raise this specific problem of mine before the wisdom of arrse.

    There's this girl, she's a bit simple but she's mostly harmless to others and a lifetime diet of fish fingers and coloured mash potato has been kind to her complexion and body, so she's a bit of a babe. She's taken a shine to me (she's simple, not made of wood) and to be fair, I would. Until she opens her mouth.

    You know how you can identify some mongs by a slight list to the side when they walk, or a small gnarled hand tucked under their chin? She doesn't have either of those symptoms. You know how some 'tards inappropriately scratch themselves or hug you in a way that is more invitation than affection, or shout obscenities and then giggle? She does those but no more than a normal chavette would. The main thing that singles her out as a moomin is her omnipresent 'poorly-wiped bottom' aroma, her almost frantic way of talking and the fact that she hasn't used any punctuation or pauses in her speech since childhood. Technically speaking she has been saying one continuous sentence since 1979. And she lies like Dale Winton smiles.

    Firstly, she insists everyone calls her by this made up name that sounds like it's straight out of Buck Rogers in the 25th Centuary: Miow. I'm not kidding, it's even on her docs. Obviously she's a locally employed civilian. She keeps talking about this boyfriend 'she just dumped' but to be fair, the nearest thing she's ever had to boyfriend is when she cut out a picture of Sebby Ballesteros, stuck it on the back of her curling tongs and played 'special lollipop.' She also keeps making up sob stories and group emails them to her 'special' male friends (you can't access the address group, but I'd bet my bar in Cuba that I'm the only one on it ;) ). This is clearly attention seeking behaviour and I don't think she's far from a 'cry for help.'

    Luckily, she's turned to a nice guy (me), and I think I'm in a real position to help her through her illness and maybe put her on the path toward a fully functional life away from her DHSS basement bedsit (complete with tied up stacks of newspapers, collection of headless Barbie dolls and flock of cats). It's only a matter of time before she finds a bloke less community spirited and she's going to get taken for a ride.

    What should I do?
  2. can i just say, on behalf of all readers...

    what the f*ck are you on about?!?!?! :)
  3. A tricky dilemma mate and the only advice I can give is to take her out on the piss. After getting nicely merry not totally blotted then make the choice. You always follow your heart and do what’s best when drunk. Hope this helps.
  4. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    Lady Luck has dealt you a golden opportunity here, RTFQ. You are faced with a choice but both outcomes are extremely positive. Choice 1: you face up to your responsibilities as an officer, gentleman and well adjusted member of society and use your influence on the girl to protect and nurture her and thus ensure that, despite her fundamental mongishness, she has a happy and fulfilling life. Choice 2: you take the opportunity afforded by this relationship, and your forthcoming retirement from Her Majesty's full-time service to move into extreme gonzo porn production. All you need now is the phone number of Rocco Siffredi's agent.
  5. Shame on you! What are you thinking?

  6. Make sure you violate her with the headless barbie dolls!
  7. Bukkakae porn is what it is. no one needs to hear her talk and sure as hell no one can smell her (not until the technology catches up with fervent prayer)

    Allow your muse to lead you.
  8. There is a 3rd option, radical I know, but why not let her enlist, she sounds as if she could waltz Sandhurst.
  9. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    The caring, kind side of me thinks you are doing the right thing by putting something back into society, the other side' of me; the evil little elf that speaks words in my ear, tells me that you need to give her a good scrubbing followed by an introduction to some of the more depraved fantasies that you have read on arrse.

    Dont bother with your own, just ask around for a few suggestions from the gang and you will soon have a downloadable collection of threesome combinations involving dwarf/mong/hooker/RTFQ porn the like of which we can only dream about. It may take a bit of financial investment but it won't be difficult to find a local escort who does threesomes for that extra bit of beared clam jousting action.

    Can I have a copy of the disc?
  10. "The main thing that singles her out as a moomin is her omnipresent 'poorly-wiped bottom' aroma...

    You're a better man than me. I live with an omnipresent African Hot Season aroma. The gag reflex kicks in occasionally on a hot, still day in a closed-window room, closeted with a gaggle of good citizens who've absently forgotten to shower (and wipe) for twenty years.
  11. ask her out one weekend, get her and yourself extreamly phissed, shag it senceless on her mums sofa, wake up in the morning, take a good hard look at what you have just stuck your organ into, and in the cold hard fact of hungover clarity, RUN!
    get your arse down to the local student bar and try to tap off with a chick that can use more than one syllable words.
  12. Dont forget that safe sex involves lying about your name and unit
  13. Or. more accurately 'what the f*uck are you on'?
  14. hmmm.. quite a dilemma RTFQ...

    But tell me this... why did you call the thread "retards and rejection"?

    Is it a subconscious signal that you've already made the decision to reject her advances?

  15. Well at some point he has to reject her, even if its after years of sustained abuse and locking her in the garage