Reply on behalf of the French

Gentlemen, and others, of Arrse it is with some trepidation that I ask for your help.

I have been tasked with giving a speech, in a few weeks, at our annual Trafalgar dinner. It is, as you might imagine, very much an 'Englishman abroad' type of event, Black tie, cocktails on the terrace, beef wellington and patriotic songs after a few bottles of wine.

As the name suggests, it is an annual commemoration of the battle of Trafalgar. After the toasts to The Queen and the President of the People's Republic of China (this one may be a tad less popular this year) we have the toast to 'The immortal memory of Vice Admiral Lord Nelson'. Traditionally this is a speech with a historical, and factual, theme which is heavy on British military history, usually given by a Hong Kong luminary, this year we have a senior bod from the British Consulate, who strikes me as someone that will do justice to the them.

Next we have....me

I shall be replying on behalf of the French.

This speech is far more light hearted and pokes fun at, primarily, the English. The themes can be fairly risque but not descending to naafi level - there are ladies present as well as other guests for whom the English are more of a curiosity than anything - so err towards funny than crude.

What themes, stories, anecdotes, outright lies or jokes would you suggest that I include? Bear in mind it is from the perspective of a Frenchman (or any other filthy foreign persuasion) and that the English should be the butt of the jokes.

Thank you all (I hope)
 
Gentlemen, and others, of Arrse it is with some trepidation that I ask for your help.

I have been tasked with giving a speech, in a few weeks, at our annual Trafalgar dinner. It is, as you might imagine, very much an 'Englishman abroad' type of event, Black tie, cocktails on the terrace, beef wellington and patriotic songs after a few bottles of wine.

As the name suggests, it is an annual commemoration of the battle of Trafalgar. After the toasts to The Queen and the President of the People's Republic of China (this one may be a tad less popular this year) we have the toast to 'The immortal memory of Vice Admiral Lord Nelson'. Traditionally this is a speech with a historical, and factual, theme which is heavy on British military history, usually given by a Hong Kong luminary, this year we have a senior bod from the British Consulate, who strikes me as someone that will do justice to the them.

Next we have....me

I shall be replying on behalf of the French.

This speech is far more light hearted and pokes fun at, primarily, the English. The themes can be fairly risque but not descending to naafi level - there are ladies present as well as other guests for whom the English are more of a curiosity than anything - so err towards funny than crude.

What themes, stories, anecdotes, outright lies or jokes would you suggest that I include? Bear in mind it is from the perspective of a Frenchman (or any other filthy foreign persuasion) and that the English should be the butt of the jokes.

Thank you all (I hope)

On behalf of the French you say? I'll tell you what, Bad CO is looking for someone to collect up the rodent droppings from the base of the server racks and wipe the dust of the ethernet cables. We'll give you some suggestions after you've finished doing that. Oh and be careful mopping the flounce precipitate - it's HAZMAT.
 
Gentlemen, and others, of Arrse it is with some trepidation that I ask for your help.

I have been tasked with giving a speech, in a few weeks, at our annual Trafalgar dinner. It is, as you might imagine, very much an 'Englishman abroad' type of event, Black tie, cocktails on the terrace, beef wellington and patriotic songs after a few bottles of wine.

As the name suggests, it is an annual commemoration of the battle of Trafalgar. After the toasts to The Queen and the President of the People's Republic of China (this one may be a tad less popular this year) we have the toast to 'The immortal memory of Vice Admiral Lord Nelson'. Traditionally this is a speech with a historical, and factual, theme which is heavy on British military history, usually given by a Hong Kong luminary, this year we have a senior bod from the British Consulate, who strikes me as someone that will do justice to the them.

Next we have....me

I shall be replying on behalf of the French.

This speech is far more light hearted and pokes fun at, primarily, the English. The themes can be fairly risque but not descending to naafi level - there are ladies present as well as other guests for whom the English are more of a curiosity than anything - so err towards funny than crude.

What themes, stories, anecdotes, outright lies or jokes would you suggest that I include? Bear in mind it is from the perspective of a Frenchman (or any other filthy foreign persuasion) and that the English should be the butt of the jokes.

Thank you all (I hope)
Try claiming that the Normans were French. That should get a few laughs.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Wear a Gillet Jeune! :flower:
 

37ucv67i

War Hero
A few possible topics that spring to mind: lukewarm beer, a passion for gardening, women looking like horses, men looking like moustachioed billard balls, everyone saying "old chap" and/or "guv'nor" and/or "milady" all the time, the murderer is always the gardener, smog, excellent breakfast while other meals best not mentioned, continuous rain, Received Pronunciation, rigid class system, promiscuous royalty, politicians found dead after erotic self-asphyxiation games wearing suspenders and gags, sunburnt chavs on Mallorca, Shakespeare, fondness for dogs and cats, fox-hunting, bowler hats, football hooligans.
 
Not sure that I could get away with throwing excrement :grin:
But you could say your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries
 
And you have to start the speech with a 'God Moaning' no matter what time of day it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A few possible topics that spring to mind: lukewarm beer, a passion for gardening, women looking like horses, men looking like moustachioed billard balls, everyone saying "old chap" and/or "guv'nor" and/or "milady" all the time, the murderer is always the gardener, smog, excellent breakfast while other meals best not mentioned, continuous rain, Received Pronunciation, rigid class system, promiscuous royalty, politicians found dead after erotic self-asphyxiation games wearing suspenders and gags, sunburnt chavs on Mallorca, Shakespeare, fondness for dogs and cats, fox-hunting, bowler hats, football hooligans.
Yes but he is supposed to be criticising the English.
 
beef wellington

Are you sure that's a good idea?, you could mention Trafalgar square & waterloo station just in passing, and the French habit of eating the limbs of amphibians, and do they know anything about Shergar. and the consumption of garden molluscs might raise an eyebrow or two, just in passing drop a hint that the UK side of the channel tunnel is mined, just in case they want to re-enact 1066. Agincourt, Crecy and Poitiers could rattle them a bit. ....just a few passing thoughts!
 
And you have to start the speech with a 'God Moaning' no matter what time of day it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Followed by "I weel say zis only wunce", Then go on to say "as my beloved Napoleon once said, you anglais are just a nation of shopkeepers and if the perfidious Nelson hadn't broken the traditional rules of naval warfare and dared to split our fantastic French line of battle with two lines of his own, instead of fighting in parallel lines broadside to broadside, we and our brave Spanish allies would have won!!"

as an edit, please do let us know what you used & how it was received!
 
You can get a lot of mileage out of "Kiss me Hardy".
 
You could start by asking on behalf of the French army for lots of its regimental silver back. Mention in the spirit of cordiality that you won’t be billing us for all the drystone walls that picturesquely adorn our Lake District.
( built by French POWs during and shortly after the Napolionic unpleasantness.)
also that you are grateful for our efforts at keeping the French navy from falling into axis hands in the last punch up.
that should be a start.
 
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