i have heard abou ta similar thing , one guy hired a few blokes to big him up and generally act like he is the most popular bloke to impress his girlfriend.
there may be something in i t,
rent-a-squaddie mate (minimum number 3)
rent-a-boyfriend (lesbian service)
rent-a-SAS bloke (you didn't know about this ok )
rent-a-geek (talk nerdy stuff all night long)
rent-a-drinking partner (just make sure you are not gay ok)
rent-a-gay boyfriend ( if you want to make a grand entrance to parties and hear a pin drop )
i could think of more but i will leave the floor to others to put their 10p worth in
Daniel is a 57 year old suicidal Elvis impersonator/alcoholic dentist...
He only drinks vodka so that his patients won't be able to smell it on his breath. Makes me wonder about this dentist I went to a few years ago. He put a temporary filling in while a crown was being prepared. It hurt like hell and looked like a wad of bubble gum. I didn't trust him so I went to another dentist who was shocked by what he saw. It was so bad that he called in other dentists to look in astonishment at my mouth and took photos. Something tells me Daniel may be doing 'astonishing' work also...
Daniel claims to only drink in the afternoons (morning appointments from now on for me) and claims that it doesn't affect his work. We met around 7 pm at the Telephone Bar in the east Village. His wife left him last year & he's been depressed ever since - been losing his few friends - they are apparently tired of listening to him complain about his life. He only becomes animated when he talks about Elvis. The impersonations started as a joke in college & now he does it semi-professionally with a celebrity-look-alike agency on the weekends. Shows up at weddings, bar-mitzvahs, etc. and sings a few tunes to the lucky audience... apparently drunk, but he's playing the fat Elvis, so technically this is still in character...
He booked me for 4 hours, but was too drunk to stay after two and a half. All he talked about was how much he hates his life, how meaningless it is and how sick he is of little kids coughing in his face and biting him. He told me that dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. He fell asleep humming 'Blue Christmas', his head resting on an empty glass
Semper mentioned it earlier- Rent a squaddie mate. WHAT AN EFFING BRILLIANT IDEA.
Imagine some airsofting walt hasn't got anybody to take to the airsoft club christmas do, so he hires rent a squaddie mate to impress his pals. So there is walt waiting outside the village hall. Inside all his mates are dancing to slade and wizzard numbers being performed by the mass bands of the household division. The hall has authentically been decorated with arctic camnets and parachutes and the avid airsofters have even got authentic army chritmas bash scran, two norgey containers, one with lasagne and the other with chicken curry.
Walt looks at his watch it's 1855 hours, Rent a squad is due at 1900. Then suddenly, five minutes before a parade, a taxi pulls up and a bloke with bone dome, tash, in dessie wellies, jeans, last posting T shirt and hellie hanchen fleece falls out of the taxi, and runs into the hall trailing swamp patches and leaving walt to pick up the tab.
Walt isn't too fussed as he expects that by the time he gets inside his new squaddie mate will be regailing all the other walts with stories of operational hardship, and Walt's reputation as an airsoft hardman will be cemented.
But when walt gets inside the hall, all the other walts are cowering in the corner nursing swollen eyes and renta squad is in the raw, face down in the lasagne with the evidence of a grand slam all over the walls and floor. Finally when the squad wakes up, he pulls a GS shovel out of nowhere, brays the barmaid and makes off in a yellow moke.
And walt made the mistake of ordering a green jacket renta squad.
I think the Rentasquaddie idea is simply spiffing.
The school my kids go to has a high proportion of poncey parents. My lads being thoroughly sociable chaps have made many friends amongst the children of these people. The official religion of the school seems to me to be PC of E.
We've started getting invited round to peoples houses for dinner on the strength of our children's friendships, so I find myself in the situation that i'm knocking around with people I wouldn't actually choose to socialise with. On the whole this is fine. You should always try and mix outside your comfort zone in order that you can formulate sound opinions on a wide range of subjects. On a couple of occasions in the last week though, it would have been great to have "Rentasquaddie" on my speed dial.
It was another fcuking dinner party. They make out it isn't a fcuking dinner party and your actually invited round for a 'bit of supper.' But to all intents and purposes it's a fcuking dinner party. The biggest waste of a fcuking evening you could possible design or imagine. Six hours of behaving yourself and drinking moderately. Trying to look interested in someone elses job or make yours sound interesting.
Wouldn't it be fcuking great to just hit the button and wait for the doorbell to ring - - -
"Ooo I wonder who that could be? We're not expecting anybody are we David"
"Don't think so, love. I'll see who it is."
You sit there whistling as he goes to the door and as soon as the noise of scuffling begins in the hallway, stand up an announce,
"I'm sorry, but I was so fcuking bored, I ordered a Rentasquaddy"
With screams accompanying them and arms waving, everyone bomb bursts for the back door, but they're too late. It doesn't matter how paggered he is, he can still shift and withing fifteen seconds of entering the house, he has -
1. Fondled the left breast of the hostess whilst daring the host to take him on in single combat.
2. Eaten an entire box of After Eights including the paper sachets.
3. Pulled down his zip and exposed a hairless spud whilst extolling the virtues of Immac.
4. Completely removed his trousers and underpants then dragged a rolled up towel back and forth between his legs whilst singing "We're having a Gang Bang" by Black Lace
5. Lit a cig off one of the candles then put it out on the back of his hand.
6. Found a full length mirror in the hallway and started Buffalo Billing in front of it, occasionally saying "Do you want to fcuk me?" The true horror of the "Buffalo Bill" dance can only be experienced by someone watching to the rear of the dancer, where it looks like he's holding a semi-inflated pink marigold glove between his legs.
The above list can usually clear a house quicker than Ian Brady coming round to babysit. Though the hosts won't initially appreciate it, it will save them from having to play out the charade of yawning and looking at their watches when they want you to fcuk off.
Running with the dinner party idea. How about a young debutant who is a bit too shy with the boys, using renta a soldier to get a dashing young cavalry officer to accompany her to mummy and daddy's charity dinner.
Unfortunately instead of the afore mentioned donkey walloping rodney, she gets a 22 year pioneer lance jack who has the dubious honour of being the youngest bloke ever send to woolwich to dry out.
Picture the scene-
A harpist's tones waft gently across the garden and various members of the local gentry are discussing horses. The debutant's mother asks her about her male companion who hasn't yet arrived.
The daughter replies "I don't know where can be mummy, Tristan is normally so punctual. He must have got way layed at the mess..."
The crashing of pans coming from the kitchen cuts her off
"Fcuking fcuk out you fcuking sloppy bsatards, I'll tek yous all ya bazzas!"
Renta squad falls through the door trailing a visible brown mist cack haze like a cross between hailey's comet and pigpen from peanuts.
Fortunately his sick breaks his fall and for a short while calm starts to settle again as it appears that he is unconcious.
Then he starts to sob, but sadness gives way to anger and soon he is doing battle with imaginary objects.
The guests start edging towards the exits, but like an good turps nudger, renta squad homes in on those that are disturbed by his appearance.
With a bellow of "YA FOOKIN BASTIDS!" He is on his feet in flash and before the guests can react, not only has blocked the exit, he has also.
A. Given an impromptu self defence class and rendered the daughters father unconcious.
B. Double legged
C. Got one of the other guests in a head lock, and forced him to drink a can of wobbly
D. Vommed out of both nostrils all over the debutant's nockers and insisted on wiping it off.
E. Threatened to fill in all the guests if they didn't agree that the SLR was better than the SA80.
F. Challenged the oldest guest to a naked knees to chest contest after drinking a pint of pickled egg vinegar.
G. Extoled the virtues of suicide freckles (mouths and eyes open)
The actual scenarios in which a Rentasquaddie could be used are almost limitless.
Kids giving you jip when your going round the supermarket. Simply dial the number
"Ahh yes. My kids are refusing to hold on to the trolley and are generally doing my fcuking head in. I'd like a two hour hire of a disgruntled 15 year tom with an extremely low domestic violence threshold, please."
"Right. Unfortunately, the lad that fits that description is very popular. Let's have a look. I can let you have Herby Mclintock. He's an 18 year lance jack who thinks his wife is to blame for him getting bust. He goes off with almost no provocation."
"Brilliant. He'll do."
"No problem, he'll be over as soon as he's finished kidney punching his 12 year old for breathing funny."
As soon as he turns up, give him the shopping list and kids and go and have a brew in the Coffin Dodgers cafe (18 pence for 43 breakfast items).
Give him 15 minutes and go and check on them. You'll find him near the frozen pizzas arguing with a 12 inch deep pan for looking at him the wrong way. Your kids will be stood either side of the trolley, marking time in perfect step with their eyes focussed on a point somewhere above your head. Every now and again Herby will turn round to shake a fist at them, when their thighs aren't getting parallel with the ground.
You'll only need to call him once. Ever after, even the suggestion of a call for Herby will snap them into line sharpish.