Rent A Biff

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by ham-shank, Sep 17, 2007.

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  1. It's happened again! I do a fair bit of travelling and the one thing that grips my bowels is having to stand in a queue at airport security while an airport troll pushes some wheelchair bound, dribbling, buck-toothed biff right past the queue and through the archway!

    That's not sooo bad, its the fact that the whole family of 20-odd (many of them of clearly different race to the others in the party) bimbles along with them knocking the rest of us back by about half an hour. And for some reason the biffs always look the same and ride the same bespoke chariot.

    Are they the same biffs time after time? Can they be rented out at some little terminal booth by groups of like-minded travellers wishing to jump the queue? Do they do long haul? Is there a minimum rental, or can they just be fukced off once you reach the airside lounge.

    Paris, Charles de Gaulle is by far the worst airport for this scam. Perhaps our French friends on this site can enlighten me? Do the French produce more biffs per head than any other nation, or are they going to let me in to the secret of hassle free air travel?
  2. There's yer problem.... French don't have friends...
  3. In Disneyworld, I have known families turn up, tell "Customer Services" they need to hire a wheelchair for the day, stick one of the kids in it, and hey presto, no more waiting in line!

    I'm only jelous!
  4. The french are all Biffs - but anyway.......

    I went to the Spinnaker tower in Portsmouth the other day queued for quite a while. I just missed one lift load and was right next to the doors for the next trip.

    Then the tape barriers were moved aside and 6 carers with 3 mentally handicapped kids joined me.

    One kept falling down - or would have were it not for his two carers - another just kept screaming and the third just clung to the wall like a leech, wouldn't turn around apart from frantic glances.

    I thought fuck THIS and went back what I thought was about right for a lift load, then thought if I take the next one, or the next 5 or 6 after that, they'll still be up there.

    So I fucked off, after checking my ticket was good for an hour or so - if it wasn't I wouldn't have cared less.

    Now I'm not anti-biff but I sure as hell would never work with them and as much as I admire the dedication of those that do - I don't want them imposed on me in confined spaces, or at all really - not part and parcel of a nice day out.

    You're supposed to go "Aaaaw - bless" of course - and I can tell you I got some dirty looks AND a few snide comments when I walked off - but also some looks that I knew damned well meant "I want to get the hell out of here too - but I am basically too friggin' British"

    (Edit - I put a lower case 'f' in 'French' on purpose - there should not be ANY ...F in french - cunts)
  5. Welsh:

    I've worked around them for 15 years and some of them can be really good fun, (on a funny level), and have cool personalities... But that's after working around them for 15 years and being married to a woman who has worked with them for 30 years...

    But I'll agree... If you were on leisure time, being in a confined space with them is a bit much...
  6. The other day I took a party of biffs up the Spinnaker Tower. At one point I thought we mght have to share the lift with a Welsh bloke but luckily he moved off, which meant we could enjoy our balloons and ice creams in peace...
  7. Who doesn't want a bleeping, siren-flashing biff wagon in an airport? You haven't lived sir...

    And their toilets are great, jammy beggers.
  8. Whilst at 2 Div, my Troop had the job of assisting a local biff school with a couple of days camping.

    Soooo, young Kuff has the job of following one of them round and helping him out, with everything, and I mean everything including toilet.

    This kid had one of those talking boards that he'd hit with a pencil type thing and Steven Hawking would talk to you.

    Anyhoo one evening, I said to this kid (Couldn't talk, walk, feed himself anything like that) "What's it like in there?" Robot voice replied "W.A.I.T"

    And so Kuff waits while this kid practically shakes his head loose whilst smashing out a message on his keyboard thing...

    His reply? Imagine if you will the robot voice...

    "I.T. I.S. N.O.T M.U.C.H F.U.N. B.U.T. F.O.R. A.L.L. O.F. M.Y. P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S I. C.A.N. A.L.W.A.Y.S. T.E.L.L. P.E.O.P.L.E. T.H.A.T. I. H.A.V.E. N.E.V.E.R. H.A.D. T.O. W.I.P.E. M.Y. O.W.N. A.R.S.E. T.H.E.R.E. A.R.E. A.L.W.A.Y.S. P.E.O.P.L.E. L.I.N.I.N.G. U.P. T.O. D.O. T.H.A.T F.O.R. M.E. C.A.N. Y.O.U. S.A.Y. T.H.E.S.A.M.E. T.H.I.N.G?"

    He wasn't bloody daft that kid...
  9. This thread is fecking hoofing!

    However, biff-dits revolving around Portsmouth and france (note lower case Welsh) cannot really be taken as the norm, because they involve, well, Portsmouth and france. Which are 2 places that are populated almost exclusively by biffs. You HAVE to be a biff to live in Porstmouth, that's why the RN is there, and after Tony's cutbacks it made sense to use it as the overspill for biffs from france.

    The best Airport for biff-wagons has to be Shiphol in Amsterdam, they have hundreds, driven by hopped-up, earringed, Status Quo-alikes at breakneck speed! Brilliant!
  10. I go through Schipol quite regularly and know what you mean !!, its like a fecking Grand Prix at times !!, saw one unfortunate being propelled along at a high rate of knots one day trying to make it to their gate in time I think .. and just couldnt take my eyes off what I thought was going to be an inevitable accident, unfortunately the handler had Michael Schumacher like control and spoiled my fun. I only have to think about the ice cream drool being forced horizontally along the cheeks of the scared sh1tless passenger and I smile.
  11. FB, I know! It's waz! And all the drivers look like porn stars with winkiesh made of gooooooollllldd!

    Imagine the inevitable let-down though when you've started the journey glimping essence 9 foot blonde Dutch air stewardesses, then 6 hours later you are greeted by fecking ugly, stinking men in mahoosive hats making you stand in a wooden hut to get your visa to Kerplunkistan "checked"

    Checked = put $50 bill in passport


    9 days, 9 days, deep breaths....
  12. I'd better keep my head down here.......

  13. Why? Have you got a gold winkie? Or do you look like a Dutch Francis Rossi?
  14. At the risk of being WAHED, look at his name :?
  15. Quite the opposite WW, you could be on to a nice little earner here...... :D