Infantry: Can't read plan, but takes it very seriously nevertheless. Fablons plan and issue it on orange card to every man, with sergeants carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar platoon make their own plan, which is heavier, and issue two copies to everyone else in battalion.
Parachute Regiment: Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation that appears, while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries and leaving ammunition behind in Colchester.
Cavalry: Looks at plan but sees arrows and realises plan involves degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to maneuver. Opts to drive off at speed until track sheds and then have impromptu Pimm's party. Ad hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimm's filters. Applies to join Army Air Corps as Apache pilot.
Royal Marines Commando: Pretends to be very laid back about plan and talks about drinking and being naked instead but secretly gets very competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach, and hoofing wets.
Royal Engineers: Likes plans. Takes plan and adds whole new bits, with diagrams no-one else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has a huff and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engineers to keep up with pace of everyone else's thinking.
Royal Artillery: Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans, with numbers, timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and last safe moments. Everyone recognizes last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan, all guns just keep firing until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have artillery support feel safe enough to get on with battle and win. Remainder hide under map table until firing ceases then call for ambulances. After firing, Gunner Officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in the direction of the enemy. Random shots rearward are put down as encouragement to log chain to bring up more ammo.
Special Forces: Writes plan in pencil on back of Max Factor Make-up for Boys compact. Checks for tan-lines and makes sure no one else has the slightest idea what plan is. Ensures plan is different from one everyone else working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow-on novel on exit from service. Places tape over own eyes, can't see plan anymore and gets captured by locals, thus opening opportunity for ideal chapter for novel only if captors can be encouraged to participate in sexual humiliation.
Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers: Happy to see plan but disturbed by lack of attention to Health and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions to take if you get plan in your eye. Reviews plan in light of Investors in People requirements ensuring that all aspects of the plan meet each individual's medium- and long-term career development needs in relation to operational objectives. Forwards to Royal Automobile Club/Automobile Association breakdown service for action.
Royal Logistics Corps: On encountering plan immediately looks for Annex on sustainability. If one is present immediately guffaws at lack of detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to avoid having to write one. Says that plan depends on Key Enablers (i.e., chefs, posties, small round blokes with clipboards and Penfold glasses) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan. Goes off for double lunch.
Adjutant General's Corps: Receives plan in envelope, opens it and sticks it at bottom of huge pile of paperwork which includes MMA and Missed Meals claims.
Royal Corps of Signals: Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay strangely silent during any meaningful discussion. If questioned J6 rep sucks teeth and says Bandwidth before sinking back into silence. Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weed killer can halt J6 spread, but J6 mutates into J6/CBM and grows faster. Plan stays silent and prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter investigation.
Army Medical Services: Doesn't like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get Territorial Army doctors in from National Health Service to sort problem out.
Intelligence Corps: Looks closely at plan and assesses its relevance to resurgent Russia. While studying, plane flies into Old War Office. Survivors spend huge staff effort working out how to predict when planes will be flown into buildings. Libyan ship with all-Irish crew crawls slowly up Thames unnoticed.
Royal Military Police: May actually be involved in creating plan, if Chief of Staff lets them. Gets very serious about plan-Officers Commanding are heard to use phrase This is our opportunity to get some good PR. As H-Hour approaches, RMP Lance Corporal reverts to type, arrests all the key players in implementing the plan for walking on the grass outside HQ, and berates everyone who will listen for not respecting the authority of the Provost Marshal. Case handed to Special Investigation Branch who inevitably fuck it up after following Army Legal Service advice. Plan goes ahead and no RMP are on hand to assist with Phase 4 operations.
Territorial Army: TA declare parlous state of Army means they are more important to plan than ever. Army agrees, cuts them by 30%, spends money on Operational Welfare Package telephones and then cannibalizes their kit to get ready for operations.
Royal Air Force: Copies plan onto leg, gets in to aircraft, takes off and then finds leg can't be seen because of joystick. Decides to use initiative and at 20,000 feet starts looking for enemy tanks. Succeeds in finding tank looking remarkably like Chinese embassy and misses it. Relieved as pilot in aircraft behind, who can see leg, gets embassy while aiming for nearby Air Defense site. Both fly back and complain about noisy air conditioning in hotel room and lack of streaky bacon on breakfast menu.
Royal Navy: Only Captain grown-up enough to plan. Everyone else sits at brightly-colored screen pretending to know what plan is. Captain goes to bed early and other officer, not knowing plan is not to sail on rocks, sails on rocks. New plan devised, called "How to Sell Ship with no Bottom" to Third World Country whilst fitting in a run ashore in Gibraltar and visit by Nell McAndrew.
Joint Helicopter Command: Draw up plan to get 360 helicopters into air with only 400 flying hours available. Each time plan close to approval another helicopter crashes. Come up with plan to prevent helicopters crashing but plan and author lost in helicopter crash. Decision taken to undertake urgent review of design of flying suits (pockets/zips/Velcro/badges etc.) in light of alarming increase in helicopter crashes based on low pilot morale/pilot error.
Defense Logistic Organization: Looks at potential for plan to offer 3% efficiency measures. Finds none but cuts by 3% anyway. Concludes that most sensible plan involves not buying anything, listing this course of action as bearing risk, and then investing in risk management courses. War declared and funds rapidly diverted into courses on Red Face Management.
Whitehall Warrior: Only interested in plan if it is strategic. Declares strategic plan is most important but can't be bothered to get off bum and write one. Everyone else starts to plan while waiting and by time strategic plan eventually gets written everyone has decided what they are going to do already. Whitehall Warrior then stresses need for strategic plan in next DOC audit and goes for coffee at Starbucks.
Junior Officers: Take to plan with all enthusiasm, run around attempting to enthuse NCOs with plan, decide to modify small detail of plan in order to impress the CO, but are then found to have altered the small detail of Mission.
The Prime Minister: PM is wonderfully positive about new plan, which gives more Value for Money than old plan. Hasn't actually read the plan, but continues forcefully, cuffing plan as he goes. Recognizes slightly too late that plan was utter bollocks, seeks to win back favor by re-designing old plan into future-proof newer plan! Continues ad nauseum.
North Atlantic Treaty Organization: COM (4*) calls Command Group meeting to decide wording for 'tasker' on J5. J5 issue warning order for Operational Planning Group, which is only attended by J6 (see Sigs above) and J4 (see RLC/DLO above). J5 issue outline plan to subordinate commands with required by date of the day before yesterday. Subordinate commands work like beavers to produce plan which is understood by all, only for it to be cancelled by politicians because the French have complained at being left out (again)! Staff Sergeant running J5 admin section raises travel orders for all staff to attend planning conference in Bahamas anyway! (NATO: Need Another Travel Opportunity; hence, Never At The Office.)