Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPE’d can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPE’d or SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPE’d once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPE’d can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always taken pride from the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Have a good day.