On the day of Crimbo standown, Red Squirrel, whilst on his motorcycle en-route to his Sect, got clipped a car. As a result, he's gone all a bit Barry Sheen with a leg injury that will put him out of action for a while. In order to stop him falling into the murky world of daytime TV devotion, or excessive pie eating, it might be a good idea to keep his attention focussed on the glorious arrse by way of wishing him well and stuff..maybe some useful top-tips such as 'Crutches and escalators: The do's and don'ts' or 'Plaster-casts-get that itch'. Or even we could organise Jimmy Saville or Shakin Stevens to pay him a visit... A source has informed me that he has actually exploited his time under the steadfast care of the NHS, by defying his restraining order which bans him from falling over and shouting NURSE!, anywhere within 100m of female medical professionals. More worringly is that it is also alleged that he was also given unsupervised access to surgical gloves.... Get well soon Big Lad .