Realistic action movies

Glad_its_all_over

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
I know they'd be duller, considerably so, but imagine the comic potential. For example, heroic British secret agent is captured trying to penetrate Evil Supervillain's volcano base. Guards drag him to Evil Supervillain, who regards him coldly and either a. has him shot in the back of the neck there and then or b. hamstrung and tortured to death for intelligence.

Take it further - hero, cornered by henchmen while penetrating Evil Supervillain's volcano base, rips off shirt and leaps from cover to confront them. They either a. all attack him simultaneously, beating the living shit out of him before plasticuffing wrists and ankles or b. shoot him dead.

Or, hero, faced with unattended computer in Evil Supervillain's volcano base, stabs ineffectually at keyboard, trying to guess complex password, is eventually detained/shot by henchmen.

Any other depressing clichés?
 

Sixty

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#3
Hero, having escaped from the clutches of the Evil Supervillain, makes way to roof.

A helicopter!

Hero jumps into said helicopter briefly ecstatic at possibility of freedom before a look of confusion appears on his visage:

"How the hell do you fly this thing?"

A gunshot.

Fin.
 
#4
A massive explosion would consist not of a rolling fireball but of an instantaneous black cloud and a shower on pink mist that used to be the hero.

OR

The hero would take cover behind the door of a car only to become a human colander 2 seconds later.

Or

The ultra-hot female spy for the opposition would tell him, "Sorry, you're not my type."
 
#5
Hero, having escaped from the clutches of the Evil Supervillain, makes way to roof.

A helicopter!

Hero jumps into said helicopter briefly ecstatic at possibility of freedom before a look of confusion appears on his visage:

"How the hell do you fly this thing?"

A gunshot.

Fin.
Hero reaches roof just as baddy he's been chasing for the last 15 minutes takes off in helicopter. Hero leaps off roof aiming for landing skids, only to have it proved that sweaty hands don't make for good grip.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
Hero and villain fight for only parachute on plane, villains manages to grasp it and leave the plane, hero dives out to catch villain, fucks up dive and splat 10,000 ft later
 
#7
Bad guy takes two to the chest and good guy leaves. The camera lingers on the bad guy expecting him to sit up, tear his shirt open and pick the flattened rounds out of his hidden kevlar vest.

Instead the paramedics arrive and discover the vest stopped the rounds but without a trauma plate his internal organs are mash potato.
 

Glad_its_all_over

ADC
Book Reviewer
#8
Good guy, running like **** from chasing henchmen, reaches high wall. Scrambles up 12' obstacle in magnificent display of athleticism, leaps to ground on other side, breaks leg, is shot in the head while rolling around in agony by henchmen who cross wall via gate.
 
#9
If we're talking realistic, super hero spy doesn't go anywhere for the most part. Sits in office bitching about cuts to his/her pension and having to pay for tea and biscuits if he/she wants them for the next meeting. Finally gets a mission to foreign climes with armed escort dressed in black. Gets off Herc and is lucky not to be killed by friendly 'freedom fighters' - they arrest him and his escorts instead. Gets back home and is given huge bollocking by M for ******* it up.

Hero decides has had enough of working for Govt and pens resignation, goes back to flat to indulge in favourite pastime. Gets out cuffs and unzips North Face bag......END
 
#10
Hero throws grenade into evil building.... bad guy DONT get blown out of the ******* windows
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#11
Hero takes to the water to escape villain, who grabs nearest power boat and gives chase. Hero, seeing the predicament he is in, dives at the last moment, getting chopped to shreds by the propellor on outboard due to not timing his dive properly.
 

Sixty

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#12
Suave hero with a penchant for Martini based cocktails is teamed with a female agent who is somewhat cool in her interactions with him.

He has gained access to her room; she's in the shower. Stripping, our hero advances into the shower behind her. His manhood pressing up against her.

She turns. There is a fleshy thud:

"Arrghhhh, me bollocks!"

A week later in the office of M: "I'm afraid Bond that in the modern Secret Service we take all allegations of sexual harassment seriously......"
 
#13
Maverick cop manages to enter baddies hideout with enough backup to cover all the exits and his black partner who is a week from retirement manages to stay alive to assist in the arrest.

The good cop sadly is sent down for cocking his service weapon at an informants head rather than using the more reliable method of lobbing him a few quid.

His captain manages to make it to the end of the film maintaining a good relationship with the chief and mayor and not 'having his ass chewed off.'
 
#14
Hero sips insouciantly at martini over poker table, facing Evil Supervillain opponent. Hero has six martinis, loses all his cash, pukes in ice bucket, is escorted from casino by stone-faced security guards. Returns to UK, is sacked for gross misconduct.
 
#15
Evil man runs out of building leaps into car and speeds off weaving crazily through the busy rush hour traffic <Sounds of mass hooting of horns>, Heroic British secret agent in full chase <close up of bead of sweat running down temple> leaps into his gleaming Aston Martin hits started button, <sound of throaty engine roaring> Hero puts car into gear <camera pans up from gear lever to the windscreen and focuses on windscren to read> "The vehicle has been clamped, do not attempt to move"
 
#16
Hero involved in struggle against forces of evil. As the battle turns in his favour decides to up his kudos by shooting his own body armour, gets caught out and subsequently flamed on the Internet.
 
#17
Handsome Hero gets involved in a gun battle, 30 seconds in, he looks up and say.... 'Anyone got a spair mag??? Iv'e fired mine?' Only to be handed a 'spair' round by the nearest bad guy at 500mtps.
 
#18
Hero rushes from building surrounded by evil henchmen, blazing away with Walther PPK. As the evil henchmen are more than 50ft away, he's moving at full pelt and has a tiny magazine capacity he doesn't get more than 20 paces before being cut to ribbons.
 
#19
With apologies to Indiana Jones who actually did this, but:

Steely eyed and sinewy kung-fu racing snake slow-mo ninja gets shot in an indifferent manner by our hero.
 
#20
Hero creeps up on guard, disarm him. Shoves spare pistol into belt Shoots himself in the balls.

M issues the call for hero. Smart sassy bird finds hero in a piss swamped bed surrounded by twenty empty Stella cans, a half eaten kebab and a rough Welsh slapper in the bed. Hero in clip order all day, misses flight, leaves gun in Sainsbury's bog and ends the day in the bookies

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