Realistic action movies

Discussion in 'Films, Music and All Things Artsy' started by Glad_its_all_over, Apr 6, 2013.

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  1. I know they'd be duller, considerably so, but imagine the comic potential. For example, heroic British secret agent is captured trying to penetrate Evil Supervillain's volcano base. Guards drag him to Evil Supervillain, who regards him coldly and either a. has him shot in the back of the neck there and then or b. hamstrung and tortured to death for intelligence.

    Take it further - hero, cornered by henchmen while penetrating Evil Supervillain's volcano base, rips off shirt and leaps from cover to confront them. They either a. all attack him simultaneously, beating the living shit out of him before plasticuffing wrists and ankles or b. shoot him dead.

    Or, hero, faced with unattended computer in Evil Supervillain's volcano base, stabs ineffectually at keyboard, trying to guess complex password, is eventually detained/shot by henchmen.

    Any other depressing clichés?
  2. "Don't you die on me" could be prompty followed by "he's dead" rather than our hero standing up brushing himself of and loudly claiming it was just a flesh wound.

    Highly trained effective marksmen (storm troopers) would still be effective marksmen even when faced with good guys.

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  3. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    Hero, having escaped from the clutches of the Evil Supervillain, makes way to roof.

    A helicopter!

    Hero jumps into said helicopter briefly ecstatic at possibility of freedom before a look of confusion appears on his visage:

    "How the hell do you fly this thing?"

    A gunshot.

  4. A massive explosion would consist not of a rolling fireball but of an instantaneous black cloud and a shower on pink mist that used to be the hero.


    The hero would take cover behind the door of a car only to become a human colander 2 seconds later.


    The ultra-hot female spy for the opposition would tell him, "Sorry, you're not my type."
  5. Hero reaches roof just as baddy he's been chasing for the last 15 minutes takes off in helicopter. Hero leaps off roof aiming for landing skids, only to have it proved that sweaty hands don't make for good grip.
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Hero and villain fight for only parachute on plane, villains manages to grasp it and leave the plane, hero dives out to catch villain, fucks up dive and splat 10,000 ft later
  7. Bad guy takes two to the chest and good guy leaves. The camera lingers on the bad guy expecting him to sit up, tear his shirt open and pick the flattened rounds out of his hidden kevlar vest.

    Instead the paramedics arrive and discover the vest stopped the rounds but without a trauma plate his internal organs are mash potato.
  8. Good guy, running like **** from chasing henchmen, reaches high wall. Scrambles up 12' obstacle in magnificent display of athleticism, leaps to ground on other side, breaks leg, is shot in the head while rolling around in agony by henchmen who cross wall via gate.
    • Like Like x 1
  9. If we're talking realistic, super hero spy doesn't go anywhere for the most part. Sits in office bitching about cuts to his/her pension and having to pay for tea and biscuits if he/she wants them for the next meeting. Finally gets a mission to foreign climes with armed escort dressed in black. Gets off Herc and is lucky not to be killed by friendly 'freedom fighters' - they arrest him and his escorts instead. Gets back home and is given huge bollocking by M for ******* it up.

    Hero decides has had enough of working for Govt and pens resignation, goes back to flat to indulge in favourite pastime. Gets out cuffs and unzips North Face bag......END
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Hero throws grenade into evil building.... bad guy DONT get blown out of the ******* windows
  11. Hero takes to the water to escape villain, who grabs nearest power boat and gives chase. Hero, seeing the predicament he is in, dives at the last moment, getting chopped to shreds by the propellor on outboard due to not timing his dive properly.
  12. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    Suave hero with a penchant for Martini based cocktails is teamed with a female agent who is somewhat cool in her interactions with him.

    He has gained access to her room; she's in the shower. Stripping, our hero advances into the shower behind her. His manhood pressing up against her.

    She turns. There is a fleshy thud:

    "Arrghhhh, me bollocks!"

    A week later in the office of M: "I'm afraid Bond that in the modern Secret Service we take all allegations of sexual harassment seriously......"
    • Like Like x 6
  13. Maverick cop manages to enter baddies hideout with enough backup to cover all the exits and his black partner who is a week from retirement manages to stay alive to assist in the arrest.

    The good cop sadly is sent down for cocking his service weapon at an informants head rather than using the more reliable method of lobbing him a few quid.

    His captain manages to make it to the end of the film maintaining a good relationship with the chief and mayor and not 'having his ass chewed off.'
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Hero sips insouciantly at martini over poker table, facing Evil Supervillain opponent. Hero has six martinis, loses all his cash, pukes in ice bucket, is escorted from casino by stone-faced security guards. Returns to UK, is sacked for gross misconduct.
    • Like Like x 2
  15. Evil man runs out of building leaps into car and speeds off weaving crazily through the busy rush hour traffic <Sounds of mass hooting of horns>, Heroic British secret agent in full chase <close up of bead of sweat running down temple> leaps into his gleaming Aston Martin hits started button, <sound of throaty engine roaring> Hero puts car into gear <camera pans up from gear lever to the windscreen and focuses on windscren to read> "The vehicle has been clamped, do not attempt to move"