Real reasons behind units disbanding

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Harry Skinters, Jul 17, 2012.

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  1. Army cuts to create world-class vigilantes

    06-07-12
    THE axing of five British army battalions will create hundreds of movie-style vigilantes ready to fight crime by their own rules, the government has claimed.


    [​IMG]

    Ministers believe a massive influx of embittered, muscular men with bad hair and survival skills will give the UK a calibre of vigilante not seen since New York in the 1970s.

    Justice Secretary Ken Clarke said: “This is the Big Society sprung into hard-hitting, shotgun-pumping, no-mercy action.

    “The former soldiers will return to their once-peaceful home towns, only to find police cuts have turned them into hotbeds of drugs, gambling and prostitution, probably controlled by a gang called ‘The Skulls’ with mohicans and matching leather jackets.

    “That’s when our heroes spring into life – paranoid, embittered and ready to start a war, they’ll uses a variety of weapons from guns to strimmers to clean up the streets, possibly even feeding a gangster into some sort of wood-pulping machine along the way.

    “Instead of overpaid police filling in paperwork your neighbourhood will be protected by a loner combat veteran in Ray Bans and stonewashed denim, who carries a bazooka and probably has a pet eagle.

    “Within days the crime rate will be virtually zero. And rest assured, if our vigilantes get out of hand and start running amok with flamethrowers, we’ll get helicopter snipers to come and kill them.”

    Lance Corporal Tom Booker, discharged after six years’ loyal service in Iraq and Afghanistan, has moved his wife and daughter into a near-derelict house at ground zero in a vicious drug war.

    He said: “Pretty soon, they’ll be kidnapped by street thugs and I’ve got all the motivation I need for a revenge bloodbath complete with improvised explosives, grim post-killing quips, and a final stand-off on a roof.”
     
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  2. Purple_Flash

    Purple_Flash War Hero Moderator

  3. Christ you sound like my old lecturer, I thought the link was on there so wasn't intended plagiarism . Will I have to come back during the holidays to resit this ?
     
  4. Purple_Flash

    Purple_Flash War Hero Moderator

    You get a First for the intent to provide a link...

    I would ask for a resit after Trinity Term, but a) We can't afford it and b) We're all too busy being Very Excited, Very Keen and Very Privileged to be looking after College Sport's Day. Or so the OC of the College OTC has said on the wireless. ;-)
     
  5. Nah, just fuck off you're expelled.
     
  6. Not sure why the Proctor of Hull needs to pass judgement on this matter ?
     
  7. Purple_Flash

    Purple_Flash War Hero Moderator

    Proctor or Proctologist? An easy mistake, visually in Convocation Robes. However, I must point out that while the Proctor wears a hood of Black Silk, Lined Black and edged in White Rabbit, the Proctologist's Hood is as above but with the arse of rabbit hanging from the poke of the hood.

    I hope that clarifies matters.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  8. I once clarified some butter. HTH.

    I'd like to know where I can get one of these ally shotguns. And a muscled body.


    Sent using Spacka-Talk
     
  9. Fuck it , you can have another one :Northern Folk Terrified By Angry Sky Magic

    PEOPLE across northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.

    [​IMG]'Thor and Jesus are clearly not happy'



    Emergency services from Carlisle to Middlesbrough were stretched to breaking point as thousands of soot-smeared villagers used their 'sorcerer's talking boxes' to phone the fire brigade.
    But the exhausted crews were unable to keep up with demand as they dashed across the region, directing their hoses upwards in a bid to stop the clouds from bursting into flames.


    A Home Office spokesman said: "Their natural reaction is to phone 999 as most Northerners believe the sky to be no more than 30ft high.
    "You would think that the firemen would tell them not to worry, but of course northern firemen are still Northerners."


    Meanwhile, south of Peterborough, the phenomenon was attributed to the Perseid meteor shower.
    Cambridge astronomer Tom Logan said: "It is an annual astronomical event caused by debris from the Swift-Tuttle comet disintegrating in the upper reaches of the Earth's atmosphere. But of course to a Northerner, I may as well have said all that in Mandarin Chinese."


    He added: "They're really just children. Unfortunately they're also huge, drunk children who will fling an old woman onto a bonfire if they think her cat is up to no good."


    Stephen Malley, the deputy leader of Northallerton District Council, said: "The gods have tested us tonight, but I am glad to say our brave firemen were up to the task and the sky remains intact.


    "However, it is clear that we have angered our invisible cloud masters and they must now be appeased with an extended period of sacrificial blood letting. I suggest we start with the poofters."