Ray Mears the Squaddie

I finished a book the other day written by Ray Mears The real Heroes of the Telemark, I mentioned elsewhere on arrse that it was different to his Bushcraft stuff, there are no detailed instructions to craft cutlery from the knee cap of a caribou etc...

But then I got to thinking…. Can you imagine going through basic training with Ray Mears as your NCO? Can you imagine your first field craft lessons?

Picture the scene, day one week one the sprog tips up to the QMs for kit issue. Fully expecting arms full of DPM gear, gizmos & itchy blankets, he is handed a fully grown stag and woodcutters knife!

A bit bemused the sprog turns to Cpl Mears who has just pulled up in a hand carved Inuit Kayak that he got on the cheep from Taff in exchange for his tax free Escort soft top and Razzle collection.

“Don’t worry Son that’s all you need to become a soldier”

Sprog looks back still confused and a little concerned about the Stag now sniffing his bolloc.ks

“We’ll have that thing skinned in no time, you’ll have yer uniform, from its ribs yer KFS and from its eyeball yer cap badge!

The rat pack menus would certainly be interesting.


War Hero
Cait. I read this, sat back, closed my eyes and what a wonder mental picturewas conjoured up!! Splendid thoughts.
I'm slightly curious how he would counter armour, but not cocky enough to challenge him, he could probably knock up some sort of discarding sabot from a pigs liver and a lump of wriggly tin.

I can understand him issuing a stag to new recruits, from its slaughtered torso you can make clothing, weaponry, tools, eating utensils, marital aids ( you ever seen a stags tongue?)

Do really thing 'Mears troop / section' would be issued Bivvies / Dossbags.... not a sniff... the closest you'd get to a la coste sleeping bag would be clambering inside a dead crocodile for the night


War Hero
It's well known that the Amazon deforestation isn't caused by loggers; its Ray's supply contract with the US Dept. of Defence. He is currently equipping more than 37% of the worlds armed forces, and at least three African countries.

Did you see that episode where, by using only three twigs a leaf and a medium sized butterfly, he created an entire new communications system for the Army. He's thinking of calling it 'Bowman' :D
minister_doh_nut said:
Do really thing 'Mears troop / section'
Can you envisage his section split into specialist fire teams:

Charlie Fire team armed with personel issue Clematis branches & ammo pouches full of kindling....capable of laying down effective fire using the hand drill method.

Delta Shelter team armed with the Mk2 Bivouac constructed in seconds from gortex approved silver birch thatching and trained in the art of hand to hand basketry weaving.
Where are my posts gone? I am sure I left them here.
Cait said:
Can you imagine going through basic training with Ray Mears as your NCO?

The rat pack menus would certainly be interesting.
He'd have you parade at the local pet shop to collect rations, everyone knows that rabbits are cheaper from a pet shop than the butcher :wink:
And snakes and turtles.

I would say cats and dogs but they are probably cheaper at the local Doner house!!!!
The obvious drawback to serving in Cpl Mears section would be tanning the skins of any enemy killed because the big puff would not want them to go to waste. How many scrotums would it take to make a decent bergen? How many labia per set of webbing?
filthyphil said:
How many labia per set of webbing?
Would it be beneficial to find the enemy slags? A larger clout would be able to hold more stuff, with the only major disadvantage of all your kit covered in spunk.
Come on you lot, have a word. All it takes is for you to be stood in front of a credulous group of wide-eyed kids, recruits or female potential officers, an ally beret, a well-bungied belt kit and a metal telescopic pointy thing, and each and every one of you becomes ray mears.

And you know it.

"'scuse me mister" says the wheezy kid, as you help RSM's daughter put the finishing touches on a basha during the Bn Families Day "when you're out, like camping or whatever, right? And someone like Bin Larner shoots you, right? What do you do?"

Do you reply: a) "Well, integrated into the G4 chain is a comprehensive and timely casevac system, after self-aid and movement by any means back to A2 ech, through CAP/RAP where you'll receive BATL/BARTS treatment as required - the aim is then to get you to a field surgical team within the 'golden hour'" *

or, b) Some vaguely remembered rubbish about three-sided dressings, writing 'M' on peoples' foreheads and how many pints a shell dressing can absorb.

or, and you know the answer to this already, c): Some utter fucking balls involving tampons, femoral artery cut-downs with your leatherman, this one time in Farnham, the healing properties of rat-pack teabags, how to make a tournequet out of doc leaves...any old nonsense, so long as it keeps them rapt.

Deep down, inside every soldier is a lardy Ray Mears who is whittling wood and big-timing it like a good 'un.

Families days are without doubt the best time to see Ray. I once witnessed a 20 year Sgt Major, with nothing to prove to anyman, take his left boot and sock off and proceed to explain to a group of kids and milfs how to filter water using sand, pebbles and his soggy Thorlo. I suppose it's harsh to call it big-timing - the look in his eyes told me that he honestly thought he was equipping these kids with the skills to survive nuclear winter. Sadly, just before he got to hand round a metal mug full of cheesey and dubiously filtered water, the kids got distracted and ran off to surround LCpl Bucker, who had just walked round the corner carrying a roadkill hare and a parang, shouting "who wants to learn how to skin Mr Flopsy?"

* Yeah, alright - I can't really remember all that. In my experience a cas's chance of survival is statistically linked to how many fat nurses are between him and a sober doctor, and how many times you get told "you've got to sign those rifles in at the guardroom" and "standing orders state that bush hats are forbidden"

Remember, in a wood, sorrounded by a fam visit from the local all-girl A level college, <movie trailer voice> no-one can hear you bluff.
I like the idea of a Common Military Syllabus run by TV documentary stars.

Imagine the scene, 09:00 at a British Rail Station not too far from a training depot. A white Sherpa van rumbles into the carpark to pick up a gaggle of nervous recruits dressed in their Mister Byrite suits.

It pulls up and out jumps Ray Mears in grubby "Lah-di-dah Gunner Graham" shorts and a tea-stained norgie, David Attenborough in a safari suit, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (covered in blood and offal) and the female contingent of Naomi Cleaver and Kirsty Allsop (who have plenty to say about where to locate your Corrimec and how to decorate it). Wearing the red sash and high-waisted barrack dress trousers is Simon Cowell.

What would our recruits learn, do you think?
Fcuk all, perchance?
MicknDarcyJo said:
Fcuk all, perchance?
nay sir, with the fragrant Miss Allsop in attendance the recruits would learn how to pull their manhoods raw and turn their balls to barren husks!

fine skills for any young man...
cokecan said:
MicknDarcyJo said:
Fcuk all, perchance?
nay sir, with the fragrant Miss Allsop in attendance the recruits would learn how to pull their manhoods raw and turn their balls to barren husks!
fine skills for any young man...
Large breasticles I agree, but she's a wee bit of a chubster, surely? Really annoying whiney voice too, but at least the funbags would compensate. I still think Sarah Beeny's chebs are more impressive and she's probably dirtier.
I like Vegetitus's idea of a celebrity line up for turning the soldiers of tomorrow into modern fighting machines.

Johnathon Ross could deliver basic voice Procedure

Trinny and Susannah could work in the QM clothing stores, but Graeme Norton could be on a lead under the counter for the all improtant inside leg measurement for your beret.

Keving Webster could be MT sgt, that way you know your always gonna get early knock offs, late starts and a gobble from his gopping Mrs at the Chrimbo do.

I'd like to see the big fat Black bloke that call everybody 'dog' from American Idol teaching Skill at arms, only to see if his sausage fingers fit inside the trigger gaurd.

Johnny Vaughan could hopefully be transferred to Deepcut and end up on the recieving end of a 5.56 or errant mortar round.

Ant and Dec would be ideal for punchbags in the gym and Brian Blessed could wander round camp randomley shouting at people, objects and vehicles.

The possibilities are endless, hours of fun could be had with out recruits before they get handed over to Ray Mears to learn how to make a mess tin and a meal for thirty starving ethnics out a lump of moss, half a vole and a 3 amp fuse
Brian Blessed .......... the voice every RSM dreams of having :)
I would like to see Micheal Flatly with a pace stick under his arm marching the lads onto the parade square...

"By the left quick... tapdance"

Picture the scene 30 bulky blokes in combat 95s arms rigidly fixed to their sides, legs jerking to the traditional Irish folk tunes being played by the Marching Bands of the Grenadiers Guards.

Their rifle drill would make for interesting watching.
Cait said:
I would like to see Micheal Flatly with a pace stick under his arm marching the lads onto the parade square...
There is a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat picturing how straight the files would be for the advance in review order.

Bobby Ball could be used as a floor bumper
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
JoeCivvie The NAAFI Bar 65
big_red The NAAFI Bar 21
jack-daniels The Intelligence Cell 20

Similar threads

Latest Threads