Rant: Toilet attendants.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by FunkyNewBlood, May 4, 2005.

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  1. This is a trend that has just got out of hand.

    It used to be that you'd only find loo attendants in the really exclusive bars. Now they're fcuking everywhere! If you're in a bar in one of the big cities on a Friday or Saturday night you will encounter one of these guys every time you go to the loo. The encounter that really gripped my Shi'ite was in wolverhampton of all places. The way it works is that as soon as you start zipping up they try and squeeze soap onto your hands for you, turn on the tap, offer you a paper towel and a squirt of aftershave and then expect you to put a pound coin in their little silver tray. A POUND! To wash your hands after the loo! T o make it worse they take away the ordinary soap (so you can only use theirs) and take some of the taps out of action (so you have to use the one closest to them and use their "services"). Where does the money from these guys go? If it's to them, then that is just a grim, grim job, although the pay is considerably better than minimum wage. If it's to the bars, shame on you! Y ou charge me £6 for a mojito and expect me to pay to use your loo? Bas tards.

    Now, I have a good job, earn a decent amount of money and when I'm going out for the night I don't mind how much I spend - a good night out in a couple of bars and entry to a club can easily cost 60 or 70 quid. But there is NO WAY that I am spending a quid just for a wee. W ith my miniscule bladder I'd have to take £20 in coins just for the little man. So I don't.

    There are two main ways

    1) The brazen approach.
    I'm not emotionally strong enough for this one I think. The idea is to use all their services, say "cheers" for the squirt of carex they give you, gladly accept the piece of kitchen roll they give you to dry your hands (kitchen roll? kitchen roll is worth £1 a shot? don't make me laugh) and then simply walk out. I often dream of being man enough to do this. I saw a guy do this once and then get harangued in broken english by the guy for about 5 minutes. T he punter tried to argue that he thought it was free and just walked off - the attendant was obviously in two minds about following, but decided he'd better not risk losing his precious Acqua di Gio and so let him go.

    This approach obviously is time limited - I doubt you'd be allowed a second try.

    2) The avoidance approach.

    This requires precise timing. You need to time the end of your wee at exactly the same time as another guy in the line. If you peak too soon, take a little longer over zipping up - not too long or you may be accused of unsavoury activities. You then have to go to the sink at exactly the same time. The attendant will only be able to focus his attentions on one of you - meaning the other can wash and go. My trouble is that I find myself feeling so stressed at the prospect of getting the timing right that I genuinely have palpitations, this makes me so angry that I can well understand how Cheryl Tweedy felt (except for the racist bit of course). Actually I've always wondered if the the man in the gents' and the woman in the ladies' are going out - a kind of family business.

    You can always take the other appraoch - simply walk out without washing. NB: if this is your approach - never tell anyone else. You may lose friends quickly as your hand may whiff of pi55. Unless your gwa - enough said.
  2. I hate these fcukers, Bog Trolls we call em down ere.

    When somewhat over lubricated in a bar in Charing Cross Rd once, I sidled into the sh1tter and parked my lunch.

    I could hear the bog troll complaining about the fetid brown cloud emerging from my cubicle, as I was shaking like an MFI wardrobe.

    I left the bog and went up to the taps and proceeded to wash my hands with the green squirty stuff attatched to the wall.

    As I was too quick for the little to$$pot for him to turn on the tap, he instead, grabbed a little bottle of nondescript 'tesco value' aftershave and started shouting 'boss, boss?'

    I did all that a man can do, bellowed in a clear drill square voice :


    The yellows of his eyes bulged and he looked genuinely shocked,

    I then left and returned to the rest of my chums, but every time i returned to p1ss I got evil looks from the parasite.
  3. It's definately a job for the George Micheal types.
  4. No, just cnuts.
  5. RTFQ


    There is a very high risk strategy that i have used only once before realising the potential ramifications had I got it wrong.

    It works on the latest breed of london bog attendents - the Chogey (Bosnian/Albanian/Macedonian).

    Simply look at them when they approach and ask "Push ma kari?"

    If you've gauged this correctly he will recoil and NEVER bother you again.

    Get it wrong though and you're in a world of pain due to the fact that you just asked him to suck your ccok in Serbocroat.
  6. I suppose this is what passes for a " Service Industry " job in Bliar's New Jerusalem. People who have to live in a bog all day. Is this progress ?
    What Century are we living in ? Remind me again.
  7. Let's face it, it's a niche employment. I don't mind admitting that I would take minimum wage for a job that required me to watch naked teenaged supermodels wrestling in baby oil all evening; these guys have simply scored a job where they get to watch blokes p1ssing. Live and let live I say...
  8. shred them with claymores
  9. i just ignore them, a simple polite "no thanks" is enough after all it is not compulsory for you to use their services and walk out.
  10. Christ! afternoon captain sensible!

    They still bloody pressurise you! One of them threatened my younger bro (which is a bit silly cos he's not stable) for not giving him a quid after a squirt of aftershave.

    In some establishments, bog trolls are also linked to drug supply.
  11. Just tell them that the service is not up to your normal standard and that it's not worth tipping.... and walk out.

    It is the law that an establishment that provides food and drink to be consumed on the premises have to provide toilet facilities. You should not be expected to have to pay for them, ask to see the manager and complain about your treatment if you are hassled in any way. Toilets provided outside these establishments, parks, festivals etc may charge a small fee for the use of the facilities.
  12. Funny that, - after 40 odd years I've learnt not to p*ss on my hands :D :D
  13. Oh come on, in 40 years you've never had a rouge pube or case of flabby foreskin thats sent your yellow lightening a little bit forked? :lol:
  14. Depends on whether he's a guar I s'pose... :wink:
  15. Or the nightmare "split piss", that forks on exit and ends up too wide to get both streams in the bowl. More likely to piss all over your leg and the floor than hands though.