Ranson demand payment question?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by vvaannmmaann, Oct 15, 2009.

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  1. Lets say that using my Ninja skills I have managed to kidnap the heiress.
    And she is safely tucked away.I am going to ask for £10m ransom.
    How do I get the cash? Clearly too much for Tesco carrier bags,suitcases etc.Bank transfers are traceable.Bearer bonds(whatever they are?)
    Any bright ideas?
  2. Used notes deposited in a bin, that the way it's normally done isn't it?? Mind you, you will probably have to face 100 yank coppers and FBI who fire thousands of rounds and still miss you. So getting away should be quite easy.
  3. Sainsbury's reuseable carriers, much bigger than your average supermarket carrier and a lot more durable so it wont split and spill your loot all over the high street.
  4. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Use the name Jacui Smith, instruct that the money be put in your personal account (which you will have opened) then say that if it goes wrong then you are prepared to apologise. Just.
  5. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Suitcases are good - but make sure you get the one with the natty handles and wheels on the base. Much easier to run with, especially if you've got ner-ner machines chasing you up side streets.
  6. Ikea bags?
  7. OK,but if there is some sort of high tech tracer thingy in among the notes,I'm screwed.If it is wired to my bank in The Cayman Islands would it be traceable?
  8. I would suggest you bounce the ransom deliverer all over town in a series of increasingly difficult tasks to make sure he/she is being followed, or, "hasn't got a tail" if you want to get into the roll a bit more.
    You would obviously be watching the whole procedure from a suitable vantage point to ensure your demands are met, have you considered purchasing a lair? You could then "tap in" to the CCTV in the area which would be ideal.....ensure whilst viewing the footage you let the odd sinister laugh slip out whilst stroking the pet of your choice.
    The ransom, which I might suggest is a little on the low side for a criminal mastermind, should clearly be in unmarked, low denomination bills. Demand that the ransom payers place the cash in sturdy rucksacks/holdalls, this will prove vital if they are to carry out the cunning delivery tasks. By the way, high quality rucksacks can be purchased from most reputable highstreet camping stores for a suprisingly reasonable amount.
    Once you are satisfied the ransom deliverer is "clean" the monies should be left in a public, but not overly crowded area. You don't want to arouse suspision and have joe public report a suspicious package there by forcing you to watch helplessly as your cash is disposed of in a controlled explosion.
    You should view the package/s for a suitably long period to ensure there are no "spooks" or "agents" in the area then casually, I must emphasise the word casually, don't stumble over to it sweating like catholic priest at choir practise. Casually walk over to the package/s and pick them up.
    At this point one of two things will happen;
    1. You walk off with the cash laughing maniacally.
    2. You will be lept upon by a Matt Damon type who will, more than likely, kick seven shades of sh*t out of you, leaving you sore, bruised and cursing your bad luck that another master -plan has been foiled by those pesky kids.
    Hope that helps and good luck

    Yes, I am bored
  9. Tap into the CCTV you say? I have problems turning the laptop on,so anything else is way beyond me I'm afraid. Maybe I should have thought this through a bit more.
  10. Thats where the "Henchmen" come into their own. You make the plan, the underlings do the techie bit..........of course, expect a few of them to be bumped off along the way but then, henchmen are pretty much expendable.
  11. Former KGB/Stasi operatives are two a penny and more than capable of tapping into a CCTV system.

    And they can buy all they need at Maplins.
  12. Alternatively, forget the ransom keep afore mentioned heiress in a cellar/back yard/dungeon of your choice, shag senseless for a decade or two (depending on how many sprogs and how the looks hold up), once you are too old to get it up any more kick her out on the streets with the sprogs.

    This will obviously depend on:

    a) if you have a current family
    b) access to suitable location for imprisonment
  13. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Just a question - is the heiress called Michelle Young by any chance?

    If she is, kill her and throw the body in a canal. Nobody's going to pay out.
  14. Never ever, and this is really important, never divulge the full plan to a henchman. They might be good with the muscle or a whizz on the technical side but, to a man they are pussies and will break at the first sign of physical torture. I guarantee the very thought of scrotal injury or just a bit of tin foil on the filling will reduce them to a blubbing wreck and they will spill the beans.
  15. And don't tell the bloke at Maplins either. They're terrible gossips.