Ransom note

#1
We have recently taken a friends garden gnome hostage.
So far he is unaware that it is missing.
We are currently creating a ransom note and running short of ideas and whitty comments so was wondering if anyone had done something similar?

Also any ideas of what pictures we can take of the gnome showing the situation he is in? taken one of it blinfolded in back of a van but any more ideas would be appreciated!

Cheers
 

Legs

ADC
Book Reviewer
#2
You utter, utter barsteward.

I bet the gnome is suffering terribly, and really missing her mother. Have you not seen her mother on TV, crying her eyes out. How did you get her out of Portugal?

BTW - she wasn't that ugly that you needed to call her a gnome.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#4
Are you going to confiscate it's I Pod and issue a fake Hugo Boss shirt for it to wear? Will it sell it's story to a tabloid?
 
#6
Why not make the Gnome wear a shamagh. Smoke a 20 pack of B&H and film it saying it was sorry for floating into Iranian territorial waters.

Meow!
 
#7
Bit of a creative video- top of the building, gnome teetering on edge, slow pan out showing the height / certain death of gnome, and finally a push over the edge towards certain oblivion.

Once you've stopped filming, you can then retrieve the catgut that stops the gnome from falling more than three foot. On the other hand, forget the catgut, let the fecker die!
 
#8
Can you clip off an ear? I know that I read a book once (Mike Curtis IIRC) whereby some boys rasomed a Col. Saunders cardboard cut-out from KFC in Aldershot with said tactic. Made me laugh a lot.
 
#9
Generally ransom notes are best held to run along the line of "We have your gnome. Here is the proof. We want x (£50 grand, flights to cuba et cetera) or you will never see it again/we will kill it/send it into an interminable thread about kidnapping gnomes on Arrse."

I think there is one in JSP101. Or possibly not.
 
#10
SIG_ICEMAN said:
Also any ideas of what pictures we can take of the gnome showing the situation he is in?
Any photo must show a copy of one of the day's national newspapers to verify the date of said photo. You might come unstuck if you do the 'proof of life' question though!
 
#11
Cuddles said:
Generally ransom notes are best held to run along the line of "We have your gnome. Here is the proof. We want x (£50 grand, flights to cuba et cetera) or you will never see it again/we will kill it/send it into an interminable thread about kidnapping gnomes on Arrse."

I think there is one in JSP101. Or possibly not.
I believe the correct format should be a demi-official letter, seeing as you know the recipient and this isn't strictly work-related (unless you work in the anti-garden ornament branch of THEM).

I opt for sending small pieces of gnome through the post to your 'friend' until they pay up. It's either that or taking an air rifle and shooting one of their remaining gnomes each night until they give in.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#12
Bat_Crab said:
Cuddles said:
Generally ransom notes are best held to run along the line of "We have your gnome. Here is the proof. We want x (£50 grand, flights to cuba et cetera) or you will never see it again/we will kill it/send it into an interminable thread about kidnapping gnomes on Arrse."

I think there is one in JSP101. Or possibly not.
I believe the correct format should be a demi-official letter, seeing as you know the recipient and this isn't strictly work-related (unless you work in the anti-garden ornament branch of THEM).

I opt for sending small pieces of gnome through the post to your 'friend' until they pay up. It's either that or taking an air rifle and shooting one of their remaining gnomes each night until they give in.
Totally agree - the shooting of friends and associates of captured gnomes shows initiative and also shows you are serious about your threat. It may aso mean that the remaining gnomes will have to be taken into protective custody, therefore further engendering fear!
 
#14
Cut off its 'g' and send that in the post, as this will show you are serious, but is not an essential part of the gnome/nome, and will do no fatal damage.
 
#17
PC Worger said: “We are tackling anti-social behaviour in the area but it really is despicable that a group of youths should steal property from someone else. I hope that whoever took the gnome will have the heart to return it to the couple. Alternatively, if anyone knows who was responsible they can talk to me in confidence.”

Great use of English there! Who else do you steal from? Yourself... no....wait....oh
 
#18
...the shameful thieves who stole a garden gnome on a motorbike belonging to an elderly couple in Lightwater
Was it the gnome or the thieves on the motorbike? Did the motorbike belong to the elderly couple? Did they steal someone else's gnome whilst riding the elderly couple's motorbike? Is this one of the worst constructed sentences ever? Will my pedant mode ever turn itself off?

Edited to add: why does the system blank out the name Lightwater? The questions never stop coming.
 
#19
Sig Iceman, you need to be careful otherwise one of those squaddie gnomes (egframes.co.uk and in soldier mag) will come and attempt to release the kidnapped gnome. I'm told they can be real viscious, best release your victim in an isolated place soon.
 
#20
There’s a French film called "Amelie" where she sends her dads gnome around the world with an air-stewardess, sending back pictures to try and get him off his lazy arse.



just to add, the only reason I watched a french film was because the ex f*cked me off with it when I sent her to the video shop, but as it's french, there are tits on show.
 

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