Following a recent, and rather nasty, series of incidents with the local population, including the ‘putting out of tongues and thumbing of noses’ from a group of local children from the retail community, and the rather inappropriate wolf-whistling by a coterie of local builders at a trans-gendered Senior Aircraft Person, followed by howls of derision as they realised their mistake, Group Captain Deirdre Snivelsworth-Custard issued a clear set of guidance to avoid future incidents.

Gathering the entire staff of RAF Quittering into a suitable heated, disability and H & S compliant smoke-free facility, and addressing them from the specially strengthened podium introduced as a result of the failure of the RAF to introduce an effective PE regime, she laid out her stall - but not before marvelling at the diversity and strength of the assembled creatures, and giving a little wave to Sophie, the red-haired, diabetic typist with whom she was having a secret ménage a trios along with Councillor Alexis Stern, the head of Quittering BC Equality and Diversity Compliance Unit.

‘Respected Colleagues’ she began, following the latest Civil Service guidelines on non-judgemental forms of address, ‘I have assembled you hear today so we can grieve collectively at the series of recent unsavoury incidents, and to brief you on how we are going to prevent a repetition of these dreadful incidents.

Firstly I have drafted in a hand-picked team of counsellors (they are the group stood just over there to the side with the smiling faces, and wearing dresses and prosthetic breasts whilst awaiting their final transformation) to enable you to pick up the pieces of your life and to contribute as strongly as ever to the operational outputs (the through-life management of the RAF grass cutting machinery fleet) of this venerated old station.

So, how exactly shall we deal with this terrible threat to our way of life. Well, I have already been in contact with the local shopkeepers association and Federation of Master Builders and assured them that I have put the town of Quittering entirely out of bounds to my staff thereby reducing the possibility of any friction. I have, however, issued a number of permits to local traders to allow them to operate mobile shops etc on camp as this will reduce the effect on their businesses. They will however, be subject to some of the most stringent security I can enforce and you will be pleased to know that each trader will be escorted by a multi-cultural section of RAF Police, with QRF on timed response, in case the traders in any way feel threatened. I tell you all, now, quite clearly that rubbing up these traders the wrong way will simply not be tolerated, and anybody offending them will be dealt with most severely.

I have also been in touch with the local Muslim Council and the Probation Service, and from next week I have directed that we will send teams into the community to carry out projects as a way of making amends for putting the local community into a situation where they had no choice but to retaliate against our provocative stance of wearing uniform in public. Dress for these details will be civilian, in nice pastel shades, and I want as much diversity as possible, accepting that we need to be cautious about who we send to assist our Muslim brothers-in-arms.

Colleagues, this is only the start. I fully intend to utilise all resources and put them at the disposal of the local community who have done so much to broaden both diversity and expand the UK welfare and probation services. Three cheers for the Republic of Quittering (exits left in her wheelchair, provided as a result of the bunions inflicted through strenuous operational forays to the Mess, for a curry with selected members of the Quittering special needs community)
That needs to go on PPrune ;)

The consensus over there is they should all batton down the hatches and form a wagon circle until the nasty men go away.

I wonder if some of the tw@ts spouting on here about 'not giving in' would be so brave if it were they being attacked and the windows of their houses/cars were being put in (which is what happened), there by risking the safety of thier families? Some how I think not.
Awww bless.

Thank fcuk the crabs dont have the same attitude in theatre;

DFC. Flt Lt Michelle Goodman, who became the first woman to win the Distinguished Flying Crosses after she flew her Merlin helicopter under heavy fire into central Basra to pick up a wounded soldier, saving his life, in June 2007


All i can say is PAW can write with style :)! Andy McFlab watch out!!!!!!!!

Just wondering and sorry if I'm being thick, did you write that?

It's just that I see that you posted it at 11:28 hrs and by 12:32 hrs that had been emailed to me separately at work!
Wishful_Thinking said:

Just wondering and sorry if I'm being thick, did you write that?

It's just that I see that you posted it at 11:28 hrs and by 12:32 hrs that had been emailed to me separately at work!

Happy to be plagiarised but, for this minor piece of light humour, I wouldn't have thought it would have been worth it.

Real life has a nasty habit of imitating 'art'. That post is about two years ahead of the present. Unfortunately, it won't be so funny in 2010.

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