Quintessential ARRSEr

#1
After having been a member of this site since 2003 [ O.M.G.!!] and having studied, extensively, the postings of such stalwart and profound ARRSErs such as Lord Flashheart, MDN, Cernnanos and select others of the ARRSE Pantheon, I have been formulating a vision of what constitutes the Ideal ARRSE and put it out here for revision, amendment, ridicule and debate..

With the input from the legion of ARRSE, I think an Exemplary Guide to ARRSE could form the basis of a new wave or a manual for ARRSEwalts to follow in polite society..

PERSONAL IMAGE:

ARRSErs build upon their good qualities and help improve poor ones. ARRSErs are their own masters..They enjoy an evening snifter and a cheroot, even some weekend snuff and the odd wager, but try to avoid excessive indulgence and hold to no recriminations when they occasionally fail to meet their own standards.

ARRSErs are honest, but not to a fault. Loyal to friends and comrades and to the lover they happen to be with at the moment. If they can't convince others they are gentlemen, how can they claim to be one?

ARRSErs take time to adopt gentlemanly habits, have fun with them and don't take themselves too seriously. They appreciate wit and a degree of self-effacing humour.

ARRSErs decry facial hair. Although a beard has long been a symbol of wild manly virility, shaving is a manly vanity and, indeed, the daily removal makes them look smarter, younger and healthier. They use a blade and after apply a soothing balm to help fight signs of aging. They keep their hair closely cropped or loosely shorn. They pluck, shave, wax or prune neck hair, back hair, nose hair, ear hair or a unibrow. They trim arm hair occasionally and recognize that from time to time crotch hair may need some topiary but avoid intricate designs.

ARRSErs are not afraid of pampering. They appreciate spas and have no need for ungainly homophobic panic. The natural scent of a well-groomed ARRSEr is often pleasant enough but they are not above adding some zesty cologne during the day and opting for something dark and musky in the evenings. They abhor having breath that smells of the bottom of a parrot's cage and generally seek the rich exotic fragrance of curry and Guinness.

For ARRSErs, fitness is an option, though they seek, after thirty, to limit 'tummy bulge' they are not fanatics.. they expect women to look fit and healthy but are not adverse to subjecting them to the robust image of a well rounded gut.

ARRSErs appreciate the glow of healthy skin and accept that if they look like George Hamilton they have gone too far. they reject bronzing creams which only serve to make one look like a sexually ambiguous carrot.

to be continued -: The ARRSE of Dressing for Success

ETA:If I may be so bold to suggest, Perhaps when edited and corrected by the collective ARRSE this may be moved to Health and Fitness and kept as a sticky for future generations?
 
#2
Oh Dear.........Rocketeer........have we met, or possibly shared a corimec at some stage?
 
#4
Are you inferring that ARRSErs conform to stereotype? Surely not, otherwise every thread would comprise an initial post followed by a mulitude of "Yes, I agree"s.
 
#5
good start, went all spartan and gay towards the end. Metrosexual and arrser should not be synonymous
 
#6
putteesinmyhands said:
Are you inferring that ARRSErs conform to stereotype? Surely not, otherwise every thread would comprise an initial post followed by a mulitude of "Yes, I agree"s.
I agree! :D Fire up the outrage scooter! :lol:
 
#7
what constitutes the Ideal ARRSE
I always thought this was approaching the "ideal Arrse"

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Thanks Vanmaaaaaan
 
#8
Rocketeer said:
They pluck, shave, wax or prune neck hair, back hair, nose hair, ear hair or a unibrow. They trim arm hair occasionally and recognize that from time to time crotch hair may need some topiary but avoid intricate designs.
Back, sack and crack anyone?

No, thought not. Back to the drawing board rocketeer ;)

msr
 
#11
What's in an ARRSEr's closet: Naked people have little or no influence. [ Mark Twain ]

The ARRSEr knows the value of style:

ARRSErs own more than one suit, but avoid anything polyester -the elderly are fond of it, but that's because the static keeps their hearts going - A classic British two-button jacket with squared shoulders, a tapered waistline and tighter pants for a slimmer look. Double-breasted for more formal occasions but they know the commandment - keep it buttoned up. Perhaps a beige summer-weight suit for that relaxed diplomatic air.. For Formal events when Mess Kit isn't allowed a Midnight Blue Tux, as ARRSErs know black looks green under indoor lighting. ARRSErs never wear White jackets as it makes them look like waiters on a cruise ship. A Blue Blazer is the most versatile item in an ARRSErs wardrobe, dressed up with grey trousers, dressed down with jeans, especially with the appropriate crest. Older, mature ARRSErs may include a Harris tweed to promote that country gentleman look needed to pull younger females into their orbit.

They have a collection of light blue and white shirts, though some may have a darker tone to mark them as ' mavericks'. ARRSErs never wear bright or pastel colours, those are for children and mailroom boys. Egyptian cotton, of course, to hold shape and control sweating.

They know that ties should fall to just above the belt, have a Windsor knot no bigger than the width of three fingers. Regimental,solids or tasteful patterns - Novelty ties received as gifts are immediately flambeed. If a women asks to straighten a tie, one is not being criticized but she is showing her approval, this is an approachable moment.

Classic British dress shoes, shined regularly. Leather sandals and Jesus creepers are not a look ARRSErs embrace. When worn with socks there is real danger of being stripped of all credibility for years to come. Flip-flops may be acceptable for the beach but definitely not for a beer run to Tescos.

ARRSErs know not to wear button down shirts, or short sleeves with an suit. white socks, Hawaiian shirts, college sweatshirts, hoodies, hiking shorts and , of course, socks with sandals. looks that should stay withing the confines of minor universities.
 
#12
I dunno... Arsser's are starting to sound like a bunch of fucking poofs.
 
#13
#14
I don't know you Rocketeer, but on the strength of this thread, I suspect that if you and I were alone, and for some reason I was to lose consciousness, I'd wake up to feel your hot laboured breath on my neck and your angry septic wiener jammed in my back eye.
 
#15
Rocketeer said:
Older, mature ARRSErs may include a Harris tweed to promote that country gentleman look needed to pull younger females into their orbit.
How does this work? Clear, concise instructions please.

I'm interested purely as a matter of research.
 
#16
" Poofery"?

consider it camouflage..

ARRSErs know that ,if they must sport a ' baseball ' cap, it is to be worn with the peak to the front, not reversed, turned inside out, upside down or twisted to the side. Kevin Federline and his ilk are anathema to ARRSErs who know enough to remove hats indoors and especially at dining, even at McDonald's.

ARRSErs have exemplary manners, discretion, honour and integrity. They keep details of their amorous conquests private, they don't draw attention to other people's foibles or break a confidence or participate in unkind gossip or tittle tattle until they have had time to down at least two drinks and post it all on the ARRSE website.

ARRSErs, upon rolling over in bed and encountering an unfamiliar body deep in slumber realize immediately that they may have let down their guard somewhat the previous evening. Even if the 'companion' looks like the esteemed Mr. Brown in a wig, ARRSErs never tell them to crawl back to the cave they came from - that might wake them even if they owe money for the ' service'. ARRSErs know it is essential to have the number for a taxi firm on speed dial.

ARRSErs drink of choice is scotch. Single malts are always taken neat, with a splash of good spring water, while lesser whiskies may be enjoyed on the rocks to mellow the taste. ARRSErs know to carry a flask to protect against a chill and to fortify the soul before approaching late evening potential conquest. An ARRSEr will enjoy a beer with breakfast, lunch, or after a sporting event and knows that beer is the only drink to be served with curry.

ARRSErs always carry a handkerchief suitable for when she spills a drink, begins to cry or needs to be blindfolded. For the breast pocket, something in silk, for inside, cotton, neatly folded and clean and without a monogramme [ evidence issues ] besides they are only for those have trouble remembering their names.

ARRSErs carry a proper pen - metal slim, classic. useful for jotting down phone numbers, scribbling pictures on napkins and for gaining an advantage in a 'fair fight'.

ARRSErs may elect to carry an umbrella a fine gentleman's defensive weapon useful for knocking chavs/beggars out of the way, offering protection from the elements to females in distress/casual targets in inclement weather, hailing a cab or impaling ruffians against fences, poking eyes out. .Should, of course, be black and sport a wooden handle rather than a logo-heavy golf umbrella.
 
#17
Started well, then you went all weird. The typical arrser likes to get pissed, jump on the outrage bus, have a go at some people, go home, shag their wives then go to sleep.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#18
Proper Geezers, whether of the ARRSE or no…


Rocketeer said:
ARRSErs build upon their good qualities and help improve poor ones.
Proper Geezers assume they possess every good quality known to man or woman, so they don’t worry. Instead they focus upon honing their many bad qualities to perfection.

Rocketeer said:
They enjoy an evening snifter and a cheroot, even some weekend snuff and the odd wager, but try to avoid excessive indulgence.
If Proper Geezers fancy a blow job, a joint, a line of ching and a trip to the casino, they will say “I fancy a blow job, a joint, a line of ching and a trip to the casino”. They eschew prison slang.

Rocketeer said:
ARRSErs are honest
Do me a favour?

Rocketeer said:
ARRSErs are not afraid of pampering. They appreciate spas and have no need for ungainly homophobic panic. The natural scent of a well-groomed ARRSEr is often pleasant enough but they are not above adding some zesty cologne during the day and opting for something dark and musky in the evenings. They abhor having breath that smells of the bottom of a parrot's cage and generally seek the rich exotic fragrance of curry and Guinness.
Proper Geezers usually smell good, but if on occasion they stink of shite, piss, puke or essence of rodent, and the world objects, the world can do one.

Rocketeer said:
ARRSErs appreciate the glow of healthy skin and accept that if they look like George Hamilton they have gone too far. they reject bronzing creams which only serve to make one look like a sexually ambiguous carrot.
Proper Geezers use a mirror to shave, if available. Not to moon over their skin tone.

Rocketeer said:
They have a collection of light blue and white shirts, though some may have a darker tone to mark them as ' mavericks'. ARRSErs never wear bright or pastel colours, those are for children and mailroom boys.
Proper Geezers look lovely in a Thomas Pink shirt and may even wear a pink Galliano suit. Nobody in their right mind will make a smart crack.

Rocketeer said:
Hawaiian shirts
See above.

Finally, a Proper Geezer knows he is still a Proper Geezer if he's wearing a gopping boiler suit with 5 days growth or £5,000 of Saville Row's finest with Tweed after shave.

Here endeth the bleedin lesson.
 
#19
Rocketeer said:
ARRSErs always carry a handkerchief suitable for when she ... needs to be blindfolded.
You were losing me there for a while but this has managed a regain (of sorts...).

However, I think you are missing most of your target audience. The average ARRSEr is, on the whole, more interested in getting drunk and abusing civvies, the RAF, septics and the French (though not necessarily in that order!!).
 
#20
my esteemed colleague, dhgrainger1:

I am , I hope, outlining a perspective of an ideal, the Quintessential ARRSEr, an image one may aspire to,not the typical.. I mean no disrespect...

but, as this is a work-in-progress I welcome critique, amendment, refutation and clarification as well as the usual [sh!t]wit that passes for ARRSE intellectual analysis. I am open to chastisment and a modicum of abuse, as long as it isn't in MDN's basement.
 
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