Quick clean jokes NOW!!!!!!!!

Man walks into a bar, and orders three drams of whisky, four pints of Guinness, eight shots of Jaegermeister.
As soon as the barman pours each drink, the man downs it immediately.
The barman looks up, 'Are you alright there Sir? You're drinking them pretty quickly!'
The man looks over his third pint of Guinness and says, 'Well, you've got drink quickly when you've got what I have.'
The barman stops pouring the fourth pint, and asks, 'Why? What have you got then?'
The man looks up, sighs, and says, 'About one pound fifty.'

Well, I thought it was funny anyway.
Q: “How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?”
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
A Yorkshire farmer was visited by a Texan farmer....

Texan. 'How big is your farm?'
Tyke. 'See them trees yonder? that's the boundary of my farmland'
Texan. 'Hell, it takes me three days to drive to the boundary of my farm'
Tyke. 'I had a car like that once'
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "Err... No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No - this is a pub - we sell beer not bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread. This is a pub not a bakehouse!"

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "Are you fucking deaf or daft? We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking bill to the bar!"


Duck: "Got any nails?"



Duck: "Got any bread?
a man is at the doctors for some test results.
The doctor looks at the results.
Doc: Im afraid the results are very bad mr brown, youve not very long to live at all.

Brown: How long Doc.

Doc: 10...

Brown: I only have 10 weeks to live!

Doc: *Shakes head* ...9
Women goes to doctors because she's not been feeling too well. Dr takes some bloods does a few tests and says come back tomorrow.

The woman returns and asks the Dr what the problem is. The Dr replies "If I were you I would get ready to change some shitty nappies"

"Am I pregnant the woman replies ?"

"No, youve got bowel cancer" says the Doc.

Laughed ? I nearly shat meself !
Q. Whats the difference between a fine wine and a Jersey orphan?

A. The wine tastes better after it's been stuck in a cellar for years.

Q. What's the worst thing about a holiday in Jersey?

A. Kids getting under your feet.
Whats' the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first time you cough, it's not your phlegm!!!
A teacher asks the kids in her class to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts criminals in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He tries to make sick people better."

Everyone has a go except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad's dead miss."

"I'm so sorry to hear that son, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shi-t all over the carpet."
2 Pregnant women are on a park bench knitting for when their babies are born.

The first woman looks to the other and says:

"I hope mine is a boy, as I only have blue wool."

The other woman looks back and says:

"Well I hope mine is a spastic, because I've fcuked up the arms!"

Q. Whats the diffrence between a Jersey orphan and a rock?

A. You cannot have sex with the rock.

A woman just gives birth in a hospital, the mid-wifes takes the baby to another room to bath it, the nurse brings the baby back in some blankets and the proud mum is over the moon, but just as the mid-wife is about to hand over the baby she drops it! the baby falls out her hands , smacks it head on the metal rials around the bed, the flips in the air before thundering down onto the ground head first. The mother at this point is screaming for help , So the mid-wife says "don't worry!" the mid-wife picks up the baby and looks at it,
"Oh it just needs some fresh air after that"
So she walks over to the window and opens it, she slowly rocks the baby in her arms infront of the window, before launhcing it out as far as she can, on seeing this the mother has a panic attack and starts screaming and hyperventilating the nurse runs over to her qucikly and strokes her forehead and says "April Fools it was already dead!"
what's the difference between Jersey Children's homes and Gary Glitter?

Jersey Childrens' home don't return from day trips with more kids than they left with.
two peadophiles on a park bench, it is a lovely sunny day they are just sitting there watching the kids play minding their own business. they watch a young girl of about six skip past, long blonde hair and a gingham dress on. one of the peadophiles turns to the other and says. "look at that, imagine what she would be like in bed?"
the other peadophile watches the girl for a few more seconds thinks for a moment and says.

"yeah, but imagine what she would have been like in her prime!"
A man crashes into the back of another car,

out steps a dwarf
"I'm not ****HAPPY"

"Well which one are you then" ?

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