Man walks into a bar, and orders three drams of whisky, four pints of Guinness, eight shots of Jaegermeister.
As soon as the barman pours each drink, the man downs it immediately.
The barman looks up, 'Are you alright there Sir? You're drinking them pretty quickly!'
The man looks over his third pint of Guinness and says, 'Well, you've got drink quickly when you've got what I have.'
The barman stops pouring the fourth pint, and asks, 'Why? What have you got then?'
The man looks up, sighs, and says, 'About one pound fifty.'
A Yorkshire farmer was visited by a Texan farmer....
Texan. 'How big is your farm?'
Tyke. 'See them trees yonder? that's the boundary of my farmland'
Texan. 'Hell, it takes me three days to drive to the boundary of my farm'
Tyke. 'I had a car like that once'
2 Pregnant women are on a park bench knitting for when their babies are born.
The first woman looks to the other and says:
"I hope mine is a boy, as I only have blue wool."
The other woman looks back and says:
"Well I hope mine is a spastic, because I've fcuked up the arms!"
Q. Whats the diffrence between a Jersey orphan and a rock?
A. You cannot have sex with the rock.
A woman just gives birth in a hospital, the mid-wifes takes the baby to another room to bath it, the nurse brings the baby back in some blankets and the proud mum is over the moon, but just as the mid-wife is about to hand over the baby she drops it! the baby falls out her hands , smacks it head on the metal rials around the bed, the flips in the air before thundering down onto the ground head first. The mother at this point is screaming for help , So the mid-wife says "don't worry!" the mid-wife picks up the baby and looks at it,
"Oh it just needs some fresh air after that"
So she walks over to the window and opens it, she slowly rocks the baby in her arms infront of the window, before launhcing it out as far as she can, on seeing this the mother has a panic attack and starts screaming and hyperventilating the nurse runs over to her qucikly and strokes her forehead and says "April Fools it was already dead!"
two peadophiles on a park bench, it is a lovely sunny day they are just sitting there watching the kids play minding their own business. they watch a young girl of about six skip past, long blonde hair and a gingham dress on. one of the peadophiles turns to the other and says. "look at that, imagine what she would be like in bed?"
the other peadophile watches the girl for a few more seconds thinks for a moment and says.
"yeah, but imagine what she would have been like in her prime!"