"Queening", Skiffing & related - all threads in here please

I had the clippers out yesterday, with the full intention of giving myself a low quality trim. I'd skived off work and was getting bored watching the Hitler, sorry History Channel.

Immediately prior to shaving my napper, I treated myself to a large turd, taking the time, to put at least 3 breather ring indentations into my logs length. After i'd finished, I started wiping. Nine handfuls of bog roll later, the paper was still turning up brown. I know because i checked. I'd made the classic mistake of wiping before my cack was complete. I'd only succeeded in spreading marmite all round my cheeks. The fact that I have a particularly hairy ringpiece was only compounding matters.

What was I to do?

I suppose I could have used the bidet that was sat right next to me but we keep the kids bath toys in there and i'd already thought of a better plan.

I got the clippers out and gave my hoop a fcuking good haircut. There were tagnuts and dangleberries flying everywhere. The clippers were doing a good job of removing all of the rusty wire wool, but the noise was awful. Every time the blades hit a particularly juicy winnit they nearly seized, slowing right down before ploughing through.

When I was finished, me Brenda Fricker was as clean as a whistle and the contents of a burst mattress lay around my feet. The next time I go and pump some mud i'm expected it to leave my arrse and hit the water like an Olympic diver.

My dad sometimes uses my clippers to trim his moustache. If I don't clean them before I give them to him, is this a 'Skiff by Proxy'
:lol: :lol: :lol:

remote skiffing is allowed , theres nothing to say you have to be in physical contact with the victim , a good scrape of helmet cheese into someones wet chinstrap was always a sneaky one , and a prime example.
shortfuse said:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

remote skiffing is allowed , theres nothing to say you have to be in physical contact with the victim , a good scrape of helmet cheese into someones wet chinstrap was always a sneaky one , and a prime example.
Indeed , or around the eyepiece of a CWS 8O

You might lose the element of surprise key to a successful skiff as by the time your old fella next uses them they may be lacking in stickiness and stomach churning fragrance. You should offer to do it for him and say that they need re-oiling and then secretly recoat before use to ensure the correct pungency and hand them back so the skiff by proxy can take place! :wink:
Yesterday evening, my ex was getting our son ready for his bedtime bath and, after taking off his nappy, discovered he had deposited an almighty shite, just for him.

Unfortunately for my ex, not being as adept at cleaning up this type of 'present', fumbled for a while with wipes etc and allowed our son to put his hand in his own shite.

Shitty hand swiftly raises up and sweeps Daddy across the face....more on the cheek rather than tash area......does this count as an acceptable skiff?

I have never seen my ex heave so much before while sober.......made my evening though :wink:
I'm just worried he'll rumble me.

One of the tags has jammed under the blades and started to harden. It looks like one of the big balls of flavour you used to get at the bottom of bags of savoury beef Monster Munch.

I can get at it with my teeth, but i'm worried that i'll be trying to floss out this "Devils Oxo-cube" for months.
Get the wife's toothbrush (or one of the kids) and scrub it out....then place toothbrush back in holder (ensuring it is in same place as before)

And no-one is any the wiser......sly skiff for your dad and internal skiffing for unfortunate toothbrush owner
the creme de la creme of remote skiffing , must be the S10 , a prime target round the nosepiece / drinking straw area , as by nature there will be an air tight seal preventing any "seepage"

back to your clipper problem , you will generally find once a clinker has hardened to a certain density any attempts to remove it will be fruitless , as you will know yourself having a hairy ringer , the only way it'll shift is if it takes all the teeth out of the clippers aswell , in lieu of a fistfull of arse hair and a scream.
bearing this in mind , next time you want to defuzz the old sheriffs badge , simply "fudge up" keep it in your pants till it's hardened the pull the whole lot out in one go , clean as a whistle , and you can use the bit you've pulled out to wedge a door open.
I must admit, I did once have a clinker that got bigger and bigger. Each time I went to the toilet it got a new layer of varnish.

It was like a smelly conker by the time i got round to snipping it off with a set of bolt croppers. It came away with at least 150 hairs attached, roots and all.

I kept it for a long time. I used to stick it to my forehead and pretend it was a dreadlock.
I skiffed my OCs pen once. The one he used to write all our CRs. Doom on REME, not many promoted that year :D
on excercise SPTA , in the late '80s , couple of the blokes had hayfever so badly they had to go back to the med centre for a jab, one of the lads came back saying that the nurse had to kneel in the small of his back and hoick his skiddies down where they'd been "sh*t welded " to his crack, he was screaming as she pulled all his hairs out , and she was screaming at the stench once she'd "broken the crust" he was gutted he had to change them , we'd only been out 10 days!!!
There is one classic skiff by proxy that the tabloids reported a couple of years ago

Some holidaymakers had been to Spain and had their hotel room broken into and a load of their valuables taken. They continued the holiday and were puzzled why their expensive camera hadn't been nicked.

When they got home and had the photos developed they dicovered why.............. :? .

a classic skiffing stance was depicted in one of them where both burglars had done a fetching self portrait of the two of them with the hapless holidaymakers toothbrushes shoved firmly up their gary glitters......... :wink:
A long, long time ago,
When I was a shy little student nurse I was sent to do some duties with the Princess Alexandra lot on sunny London to get a new badge and learn a few new tricks.
First job was to stand next to a nasty head-up-own-arse doctor as he errrrrr checked all the working bits of a group of new recruits where in full working order.
Moving along the line he kept eye contact with each young man as he reached down grabbed the goods and said 'cough'.
Moving along he'd turn to me give me a few sentences and I’d take notes.
Halfway down the line he reaches under to grad the goods on the biggest, ugliest guy I have ever seen!
This was like the missing link made live.
He had hair everywhere, regulation hair cut? He’d have to have been done by an Aussie sheep sheerer!
Doctor whilst looking up about a foot, to meet his eyes tries to cup the biggest set of ballox I have ever seen, and believe me I WAS looking, struggling he opens his palm, cups and grips underneath and shouts cough!
Big ugly coughs, follows through, room panics, steamer is splattered on the floor, wet sticky artex type sh*t!
Doctor jumps back slips starts shouting 'you dirty f*cking...' this, that, and the next thing! Whilst running hands over suddenly very sweaty brow.
Few minutes of commotion follows then things calm down,
Room is cleared and orderly comes in to take charge of damage control.
Smell was unbelievable gag reflex on full throttle! Retching recruits doubled over half naked in corridor and huddled in corners!
Room cleaned of nasty we all go back in, still gagging.
Line reforms and doctor goes along line as each new recruit smiles as he grabs their goods and as they cough doctor looks nervous.
I’m grinning as well as he turns to me and gives notes.
A lot of winking is taking place and I’m suddenly not as shy because there straight across doctor dickheads top lip is the most perfect sh*t painted comical muzzy you ever did see...
If we'd held him down to draw it we couldn't have made it look any better...
Self skiff curtsey of accidental third party follow through...
Ok chaps, listen in. This is similar to Skiffing, but more guaranteed to have the victims waking up in the night screaming, in years to come.

A. Stores.
(i) 1X fat lad, who is a stranger to showers, and has only a passing aquaintance with toilet paper.
(ii) 1X Mess gobshite, or preferably the mess Adonis, who is obsessive in his personal grooming habits...
(iii) 10X Personnel to hold down the latter.

B. Technique
1. First bit is easy; every one get p*ssed, especially the prospective "Queenee".

2. All hands jump item (ii), and pin him down.

3. Bring out item (i). NOTE: At this point it will be necessary to hang to the victim for dear life, as he will of guessed the horrible fate that awaits him, and will be wriggling like a greased pig.

4. Item (i) lowers his trousers, and adopts squatting position over the face of item (ii). NOTE: You really might want to call in help to hold him down at this stage...

5. Item (i) parts his horribly pale, flaccid and spotty arse cheeks, and gently lowers his rancid doughnut onto the proboscis of item (ii). NOTE: It is advised the item (i) hoiks his plums well clear of item (ii)'s teeth at this stage.

6. Item (i) to move his hoop back and forth in a gentle oscillatory motion.

7. On completion, everyone bomb-burst, as it is generally guaranteed that item (ii) will leap to his feet windmilling.

8. Complete statements for SIB.

CAUTION: It is not recommended that this procedure be practised upon females, juniors, or Senior Officers.

MCTC Colchester.
i don't think i like the "mob rule mentality" of this , as opposed to a gentlemanly one one one stand off with a couple of "200 fags a day" fingers

it shows a general decline in the moral standards of the youth of today , roaming around in gangs , waiting for an unsuspecting victim to stick your dung trumpet on his hooter, simply not cricket old man.
But the Rat-packing element is one of the reasons it is so uniquely horrible.
Another option is to wait until the victim is asleep or passed out. :D
In order to make it more "gentlemanly" or "one-on-one" then you just wait till the person is alseep. Then perform the act whilst (for some reason) singing some sort of mexican song. A mate of mine did it to his brother at Waterworld in Benidorm (classy) in front of a load of German tourists. They laughed their tits off.
aaaaaaaaaah ...... now that's more like it , the element of risk , will the unrestrained victim hear you as you unglue your undercrackers from your marmite sodden crack , and detect the faint acrid tang of the stench trench as it approaches his unsuspecting fizzog, will you manage to stifle the hysterical laughter as you try and hobble across a darkened room with your skidies around your knees (further impeding any escape if captured)
do you go for a "quick plonk and run" or the deadly "full cleft suffocation"
now this sounds much more like it :D 8O
shortfuse said:
do you go for a "quick plonk and run" or the deadly "full cleft suffocation"
now this sounds much more like it :D 8O
I would think that this is largely determined by the size of the victim. If he is far larger than you it would probably be wise to do a quick grind and then scoot - sharpish. With any luck he may not even know that the deed has even been done! If he is smaller than you then it may be an idea to really go for it - maybe even take a book along to read a la khazi. There can be few experiences worse than waking up with someones ring nestled nicely on your nose.....
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