I had the clippers out yesterday, with the full intention of giving myself a low quality trim. I'd skived off work and was getting bored watching the Hitler, sorry History Channel. Immediately prior to shaving my napper, I treated myself to a large turd, taking the time, to put at least 3 breather ring indentations into my logs length. After i'd finished, I started wiping. Nine handfuls of bog roll later, the paper was still turning up brown. I know because i checked. I'd made the classic mistake of wiping before my cack was complete. I'd only succeeded in spreading marmite all round my cheeks. The fact that I have a particularly hairy ringpiece was only compounding matters. What was I to do? I suppose I could have used the bidet that was sat right next to me but we keep the kids bath toys in there and i'd already thought of a better plan. I got the clippers out and gave my hoop a fcuking good haircut. There were tagnuts and dangleberries flying everywhere. The clippers were doing a good job of removing all of the rusty wire wool, but the noise was awful. Every time the blades hit a particularly juicy winnit they nearly seized, slowing right down before ploughing through. When I was finished, me Brenda Fricker was as clean as a whistle and the contents of a burst mattress lay around my feet. The next time I go and pump some mud i'm expected it to leave my arrse and hit the water like an Olympic diver. My dad sometimes uses my clippers to trim his moustache. If I don't clean them before I give them to him, is this a 'Skiff by Proxy'