Quality WIND UPS and Army SLANG !!!!!!!!

New Q

How many of you out there have been at the sharp end of a quality wind up like being sent to the QM's for a Tin of DPM Paint or the classic Long Stand for an SLR or even the collection of fallopian tubes for the 432 from the OC ? there are so many why not share them with the junior members of the site so that they may also continue the good work of the professional WIND UP.

Also if you know any purely military terms that a civvy would not then please post those also.

ie: a cup of tea or coffee NATO ?
Sent someone to sweep the glidepath at Gut, and sent somone else to RHQ in search of an ID 10 T form.  AAAH thems wus the days me 'lad


The real golden oldie: "go to the CQMS and ask for a long weight".


A favorite I remember was being sent to the Guardroom for the keys to the INDOOR Mortar range.

Also being sent to the QM's for a new bubble for a spirit level.




The old favourite for a new boy in Germany: sent to the schnellie for ' ein einbahnstrasse mit pommes'. Worked every time.
A getting new Troop Leaders to go to the QM Tech to ask for a new elipse for the gunners sight - preferabley making sure he wore full NBC kit due to the radiation hazard!

..or explaining that to tighten tank tracks one had to punmp the lever located on either side of the tank, just forward of the drivers hatch.....these really being the wing-mirror stalks!

..but of course, the 'new subbie' wind-ups were always good, we had one chap in Germany believe that the Orderley Officer's duties included gritting the roads around Fally.  He was to be seen standing on the back of a 4T wearing his Blues shovelling grit all over the strasse!!!  Obviously he became known (and still is) as Gritter!


Book Reviewer
I was borrowed by XX Bn The XXXXXXXXXXXXXX once to help with a windup on three new subbies. They were met at the airport by the standard OC-dressed-as-scruffy-insubordinate-LCpl and then driven in a tearing hurry to meet a Teeny-Weeny Airways Gazelle, which lifted off with them on board to "show them the GDP".

They flew as far as  a BGS training area, which contained a replica section of the IGB and the pilot did the old "I usually fly over just to show them who's boss", cut the engines and autorotated onto the "Eastern" side, where BGS guys in their combat uniforms converged, grabbed all four, bagged and cuffed the subbies and carried them off... into the back of a van, which then drove around for an hour, with gruff Germanic conversation ongoing, before delivering them to a cold, dank cellar - actually the basement of the Officers' Mess at XXXX Barracks.

Here they, still bagged, were stripped to their shreddies and locked in "cells" for a while, before being dragged out by fellow officers in Russian uniforms and, on being unbagged, being subjected to a tirade in Russian by yours truly, masquerading as a MR Colonel, who also accused them of illegally invading the Ppeaceful DDR, being spies etc.

After a few hours, they were dragged up the stairs, bags removed and found themselves facing their new Mess, resplendent in Mess kit.

Had a very awkward meeting some weeks later with all three when I was sitting outside a cafe in XXXX, enjoying a Saturday morning cigarette and cup of coffee and all three sat down at the same table and seemed to want to discuss matters of pith and moment :)
Sadly the days of this one are now gone as the main requirement is a morturary...and all of the BMH's are gone now

Take 1 sprog with an explanation of a wind up where AN other is going to be got, however you need someone that person has never seen... hence "you Mr new boy".  The new boy is the taken to the morturary where the explanation is made that they are required to lay in one of the drawers, within the stiff fridge, whilst you bring in the person to be wound up.... then you open the drawer and the new boy sits up saying "hello" apparently scaring the holey sh*t out of the person you are allegedly winding up.

You then place them into the drawer and close it pretending to leave the room... these drawers have no handles on the inside , obviously,   given enough time the blokes eyes become accostomed to the dark and as they do they realise that they are lying next to a real dead person..... who waits an appropriate ammount of time before turning to the sucker and saying "cold isnt it"   Trust me that is a loud scream!!


:p A good trick that i once played on the nig (New In Germany.........For any civvies looking on this site) was send him to the G1098 store (technical stores for signing out tools etc again for civvies), A left handed screwdriver, A skirting board ladder and some sky hooks and to add for good measure, A long stand.  ;D ;D ;D


we always send the new sprogs to the naffi to get fags and beer and stuff and tell them well give them the dosh when they come back and we never do


This windup requires a couple of players

First find a new Sprog to windup and send him to the G10 for a chainsaw...... next someone else (rank helps) needs to "intercept" said sprog and give him a sealed envelope ordering him to take it straight to the SSM without dropping off the chainsaw.  Instruct said sprog to wait in the SSM's office for the reply.

The windup is thus....  Inside the envelope is a letter which reads "Sir, give me the Sqn PRI money or I'll cut you to pieces with the chainsaw"  or similar

If no chainsaw is available then Axe works just as well ........... :D


War Hero
There was this one time when we sent a nig to the Guardroom with a shovel in his hand to give the Provo Sgt a small note in an envelope which we had wrote!!! As the Provo read the letter, he found it to say 'If you don't give me all your money, I'm gonna wack you over the head with this f***ing shovel!!!  The poor nig ended up getting 10 days ROP's!!!  Well it was funny at the time - as we did'nt think he was stupid enough to do it.


There is the old fav.. Working in the sheds and finding the wagon batteries are run down and seeming to get very p**sed off by it, you send a nig to the CSM to get form 252, so we can charge the batteries..

We also had a YTS lad in the REME workshop (11 Armd Wksp in those days) and we asked him if he was scared of mice? Trying to act hard he said no. So we told him we were, and the pack section was over - run with rats. So we gave him a shovel, and pointed him in the direction of the pack section, telling him to make contact with the SNCO ic packs. He greeted him holding the shovel, looking brave, with the words "I`m here to kill the pack rats.."
We found him hanging from the gib of the Coles naked, covered in swarfega and spill sorb... Happy days.. I think they call that bullying now :mad:
I think I took part in most of the usual wind-ups when I was a young Gunner - long stands (I worked in the Survey Stores), tyre pressures for FV 432's, sky hooks, Buckets of steam, bubbles for the spirit levels etc, etc...  

The best wind-up I personally instigated was when working at an Embassy in the "good ol' days" when the "enemy" all wore red stars etc.  To save weight in the Dip Bags, MOD used to write letters on "onion skin" airmail paper, which was great for forging signatures.  I concocted a letter from a Group Captain, giving all the East European Defence Sections a heads up that the BFT was about to go tri-Service and be announced in a DCI.  To avoid embarrassment, we were to get down to training immediately - especially the Crabs!

All the Army guys were in on it and we had our Group Captain, Warrant Officer and Sergeant really ticking like meters!  We agreed a day and time for a training session and met up at the RV wearing boots, lightweights and PT vests.  The Lt Col then announced that it was tradition to have abeer before going off on the run, so we all rtetired to the bar, a look of trepidation on the Crabs' faces!

The penny dropped after the second round and they saw the joke!  I wish I could say the same for some of their wives, who were going to write to their MP's etc as we had subjected their poor unfit hubbys to unwarranted stress...

I must admit though that the Groupie had tumbled to our wind-up (he did go to Camberley instead of Bracknell and was wise to our ways...), but he was game for a laugh!

Did you hear the one about the NCO from the Gl****rs, who on being told he was posted to BATUS and "No Pets" was the order of the day, took his dog to the...  No, that's another story!   ;)
Sent a NIG to the Tiffy for a central face punch.

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