Put Downs needed

#1
Got a niggling little problem down here in my corner of Kiwiland, bit of background, I work in a sole charge position so when I'm not looking at Arrse or p0rn I'm usually pedalling a truck or up to my pits fixing, moving or cleaning heavy machinery.
Problem is there has been an upsurge in phonecalls from telesales and market research companies and I want them to fcuk off sharpish as they usually pick the most inopportune (sp) moments to call i.e. when I'm backing one out or reversing a fcuking JCB down a slippery steel truck ramp. My phones all have caller ID so I can tell straight away if it's a regular customer or not.
The last fcukwit to call asking to speak to the 'financial controller' got told he was 'unavailable' as I had just killed him with a 20 ton block of concrete when I took my hand off the lever to answer the phone :roll:

So how do the esteemed members of arrse deal with unwanted callers ??

And don't get me started on door to door sellers and God botherers :twisted:
 
#3
Didosdadsdogsdead said:
Got a niggling little problem down here in my corner of Kiwiland, bit of background, I work in a sole charge position so when I'm not looking at Arrse or p0rn I'm usually pedalling a truck or up to my pits fixing, moving or cleaning heavy machinery.
Problem is there has been an upsurge in phonecalls from telesales and market research companies and I want them to fcuk off sharpish as they usually pick the most inopportune (sp) moments to call i.e. when I'm backing one out or reversing a fcuking JCB down a slippery steel truck ramp. My phones all have caller ID so I can tell straight away if it's a regular customer or not.
The last fcukwit to call asking to speak to the 'financial controller' got told he was 'unavailable' as I had just killed him with a 20 ton block of concrete when I took my hand off the lever to answer the phone :roll:

So how do the esteemed members of arrse deal with unwanted callers ??

And don't get me started on door to door sellers and God botherers :twisted:
Well that's my 1st suggestion out -tell them your a 1st Day adventist and ask if they would like to be on your mailing list.

Tell them that you are interested but can they hold - put the phone down and see how long they wait
 
#4
A sharp blast of a whistle (I used to use an Acme Thunderer in days before the 'do not call' register) down the phone line is very cathartic, if not exactly the best way of preventing these calls.
 
#5
Your problem is that you are on a mailing list somewhere, ask where they got your number from. Sometimes if you say they have called a private line and not a business they will mark it off as not worth calling again but these lists get sold on to other cold calling companies. These people get sworn at a million times a day so they have heard all of the put downs you can think of. If you think you have trouble, here in South Africa there is a thing called 'please call me' which is a text message asking you to call someone who does not have enough 'pay as you go credit' to call you, it is normaly some dipshit with the wrong number or lately, disguised premium rate lines for some shit or another.
 
#6
ex-pat said:
Your problem is that you are on a mailing list somewhere, ask where they got your number from. Sometimes if you say they have called a private line and not a business they will mark it off as not worth calling again but these lists get sold on to other cold calling companies. These people get sworn at a million times a day so they have heard all of the put downs you can think of. If you think you have trouble, here in South Africa there is a thing called 'please call me' which is a text message asking you to call someone who does not have enough 'pay as you go credit' to call you, it is normaly some dipshit with the wrong number or lately, disguised premium rate lines for some s*** or another.
In the UK you can subscribe to something called TPS (Telephone Preference Service) - once you are on this list companies cannot cold call you. If they do they can face a fine from the TPS body.

Worth checking out to see if you can get a similar system there.
 
#8
I tell them I'm just putting them through, then leave them to rot on hold.

If they hang around for a while, I'll tend to retrieve the call and answer, saying "Hello, gay and lesbian switchboard, how can I help?". This is usually greeted with a stunned silence, followed by hanging up...

...B&stards. :lol:
 
#9
DDDD i have that problem as well even though i am ex directory. they normally get this response

How you get this number, who sold you it, c'mon tell me, how much you get for it, if your going to ring me speak english i can understand AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, how would you like me ringin you just to p1ss you off, no i dont want a dog with 3 legs, call me again and i will report you as a stalker, now feck off

Do all this in one breath they tend to hang up quickly, and you never hear from that company again
 
#10
Go along with it.

Seem like you're really interested in buying whatever.

Then when they think theyve sold you whatever, ask them for their home phone number.

Probably get something like "Oh I dont do business from home heres our officer number sir"

"You dont do business from home? Then WHY THE FUCK WOULD I? I DONT WANNA BUY FUCKING DOUBLE GLAZING YOU LIMPDICKED SHITEATER!!!!!"

Seems to work
Gook
 
#11
Just say to sales calls..."Excuse me, I'm with my insolvency advisor at the moment, perhaps you could call back?"

Other interference can usually be turned away by saying.."Yes, of course i'm interested in what you are offering but before we discuss that, would you say you had a real and deep relationship with our lord Jesus christ? Maybe I can offer you my own testimony? Hello...hello...oh they've hung up...back to the heavy machinery."

Presumably the 20 ton concrete block is a counterweight for the average Kiwi's ego??
 
#14
For door to door callers just answer the door dressed only in piss stained Y fronts, it usually works!

For telephone callers just say "i am breaking my neck for a big shit " and just hang up.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#15
Give him a false address......usually some c*nt that you dislike.......and arrange for a meeting.
 
#16
Cheers for the advice :lol:

Have decided on a couple of options,
In the office, just let em wait and wait and wait.
In the truck, hang cellphone out of window and let rip with roof mounted acoustic artillery :twisted:
 
#17
I've had these sort of calls at home, usually offering me a conservatory at no cost to me. After 30 mins of asking them inane questions like 'how much will it cost?' Do i have to get planning permission? Do i need to inform my neighbours ?etc.
I then subtley tell them i live on the 3rd floor
Haven't had to many calls back from them.
 
#18
Ifind that " Hello.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................." no matter what they say, it works!
 
#19
"Stonehenge. Duty Druid speaking." (For the you can't be arrsed good-humoured moment.)

"Ministry of Defence. Wanna fight?" (For venting aggression.)

"Department for Work and Pensions. What company did you say you were calling from? Ahhhhh. Should I speak to your boss?" (Works very well, and they never call back. Something to do with National Insurance Contributions I believe.)

"Hello............no, f^ck off." (Short and sweet, and guilt free)

"Hello, yes? What you order? No, dis Chinese takeaway."

"I've been expecting your call. Where shall we meet? Do you like drinking blood?"

Or, worst of all, put them on hold and play them anything by Tatu.
 
#20
I like these calls as, depending on my mood at the time, I either do the
"howthefuckdidyougetthisnumberwhatisyourfuckingnameyouwankerwherethefuckdidyougetmynamefromdon'teverfuckingringthisnumberagaintakemynameoffyourfuckinglist" in one breath thing then hang up on them or the "fcuk them about" for as long as possible approach. The "nup they died" is another fave of mine if I am in a hurry.

My most memorable one I think has to be the one I had with one woman from a pay telly service. I got her to stay on the line about 40 minutes trying to convince me of the benefits of their service over the others before she said

"Would you like to sign up for our starter package?"
"Nope"
"But as I have explained the benefits of xxxx are great. To watch the latest movies in the comfort of your home is a great visual experience"
"I'm blind and I live alone"
"...................................................................................................................................................I'm so sorry I'll take your name off our list"

Laugh I nearly had a triple :lol:
 
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