Pull My Finger

#1
You’ve got to bring ‘em up right.

There are many important lessons a man must impart to his boy children. Some can only be done by a bloke and are officially delegated by the mother. I include things like the first visit to a football match and the long wait in the pub car park, where you learn to make a can of Panda Cola and a bag of prawn cocktail last an hour and three quarters. But far and above these critical life lessons is the most important one of all, the ‘Pull my finger’ trick.
This week, with great ceremony, I introduced my boys to this timeless classic. It was a fine moment. Teatime had come and gone and the lads (5 and 3) were settling down to a bit of Tom and Jerry before bed. I felt a hooberstank brewing up and seized my opportunity. Turning to the five year old, I offered him the index finger of my left hand and said,
“Pull my finger, son.”
Quizzically, he leant forward and gave my finger a quick tug, releasing a mushroom cloud that took him by complete surprise. Feeling that there was still a bit in the tank, I offered the small finger of my right hand to the little feller, only needing to nod this time. With eyes full of wonder, at the feat of magic on offer, he pulled it and I let out a one-cheek-sneak that contained at least a handful of sh-it molecules.
My lads now think I’m on a par with God and can simply fart at the pull of a finger. Funnily, my wife doesn’t feel the same way and says unconstructive things like, “Oh yeah, that’ll be great when they show it to their teacher,” and “I’m so proud of you Convoy, maybe you’ll find time to teach them how to cross the road next week,” For reasons known only to herself, she thinks that the ‘Pull the finger’ wisdom is further down the life lesson list than the ‘Don’t drink bleach’ one.
It still needs some work though. The lads have started returning the favour. The 5 year old has got the hang of it and does it with great gusto, even taking the time to offer a different finger depending on strength and aroma. I was putting the 3 year old to bed last night and he said excitedly, “Daddy, daddy, pull my finger.”
I did as instructed, but he had failed to load up and simply deposited an eggcup worth of Bisto onto my trouser leg.

Can anyone else think of any equally important lessons I should be passing on?
 
#2
Mrs Tombs and I never had children, and it wasn't until I read your post that I now regret a decision we both made early in our married life.
Any chance of being an adopted "Uncle Henry" next time I'm in your neck of the woods so I can play with your kids? :D
 
#3
Fantastic post! :D

My 17 year old is learning the all important "Come pick dad up from the bar" and "Does she have a sister for me?" lessons.
 
#4
my 6 month old has aquired the art of skiffing all on his own...his aim is slightly off, hit my chin instead of top lip, and has yet to utter the words "skiff" in my ear as he delivers the muck....but he's only 6 months and will be tops in another month or 2. :D
 
#5
Absolute quality :D Maybe you good progress them on to the "half queen" - similar to the normal queen but don't put full body weight on them and keep trousers on unless a 10 stretch is your thing. Works best approximately 2 - 3 hours after a Sunday roast dinner.
 
#6
I trust you are ensuring that the lads understand the importance of always leaving the lavatory seat in the 'up' position.

Never replacing the roll of lavatory paper when it runs out is another useful lesson.
 
#8
Perhaps it would be useful to task them with learning some lines to say whenever they drop one. These go down particularly well in female company.

For audible efforts, the tried and trusted 'More tea, Vicar?' remains popular, and can be followed up with 'No thank you, it makes me fart'.

Silent-but-deadly farts can be explained away with 'fecking dog...'. Note that a suitable canine does not need to be present for this to be effective.

For the massive, arrse-cheek-vibrating crowd pleaser coupled with following through, the trick is to muster a look of great dignity, and utter 'Speak up Brown, you're through!'
 
#9
ViroBono said:
For audible efforts, the tried and trusted 'More tea, Vicar?' remains popular, and can be followed up with 'No thank you, it makes me fart'.
Once this reply has been mastered you can move onto: 'No ta, I'm fcuking stuffed'
 
#10
Afkac.... You have no idea how lucky you are.

I have a daughter who is now one yr old and am tempted to lead her down the path of vulgarity and grossness.

If I do this she will be knackered in later life when a young man approaches her and invites her out and she responds by dropping her guts into a cupped hand and muzzling him with it. :D

Can anyone give me advice on how to rear a daughter, I know its selfish but I am dying to teach her how to burp, fart and flick snot balls at her mother. She needs to know how big and clever it is and should be versed in approaching her grandmother blatting out an air biscuit when her finger is pulled.... before smiling and saying 'Deep breaths.. bitch' :D :D
 
#11
Don't forget that she has the ultimate weapon in being beyond suspicion or reproach.

It is a well known fact that women don't fart. It is also a well known fact that women do fart and produce booleys that far outweigh their male counterparts in terms of both venom and scent.

The 'pull the finger' thing is simply a blokes way of surrendering to the fact that 'you're going to think I did it anyway, so I may as well come clean.'

The SBD is the only known exception to this rule.

She is already holding cards you've never posessed, and is right now, honing that look of utter disgust at your manners, despite the fact that is her who has dunged her apple-catchers.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#12
Mighty_doh_nut said:
Afkac.... You have no idea how lucky you are.

I have a daughter who is now one yr old and am tempted to lead her down the path of vulgarity and grossness.

If I do this she will be knackered in later life when a young man approaches her and invites her out and she responds by dropping her guts into a cupped hand and muzzling him with it. :D

Can anyone give me advice on how to rear a daughter, I know its selfish but I am dying to teach her how to burp, fart and flick snot balls at her mother. She needs to know how big and clever it is and should be versed in approaching her grandmother blatting out an air biscuit when her finger is pulled.... before smiling and saying 'Deep breaths.. bitch' :D :D
MDN, this is just too weird. Has the missus been watering down the Domestos again ?

Why on earth would you want to stop her from popping an airbiscuit into some spotty teenager's face ?
If she gets a reputation for wiping a snot encrusted finger into the hair of a prospective beau or being guaranteed to skiff every bloke she spots, she's hardly likely to find a 'Darren' let alone bring it round to Castle Donut.

Knowing your general reaction to stickies, if she turns round to you and says, "Hey Daddy Do_nut, guess what, in nine/eight/seven months you'll be bouncing a Burberry clad shite-generator on your knee." you'll wall the trollop up in the cellar !

It's a well known fact that you'd do anything to increase the chances of young squaddies scoring, but have you thought out the scenario of your lass meeting a young lad of a similar mould as yourself ? 8O

Imagine a sprog posting details of how he'd out minged you !
Dear God ! Think of the shameful headlines:

"Granddad_Do_nut loses rep !"
"Now he's in a bath chair the ancient Do_nut can control his sphincter !"
"Swamping - a thing of the past !"
"Sources close to GDN tell us that he regards Skiffing as disgusting."

Snap out of it man ! Teach her The Way !






Oh, and by the way information on 'rearing a daughter' can be found here :- http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn/index.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=10468
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
#13
Dont forget the old dog bite scab or scar trick. Whats that Dad? Pointing to an old scar or new scab (bike accident etc) when told it is a dog bite, touch it and see, they always do. The moment they do, Bark really loud like a loonie half starved fed on junior soldiers War Dog. The nipper always cacks himself and the oldest wets himself laughing. The old false leg looks real doesnt it? Made of dog bones you know? Go on touch it and see! Works a treat. Revenge for all those sh*tty nappies when they were ankle biters.
I took my oldest to bisley today and the big sod got a V Bull at 200 yds with my Bundook. Have to buy him one now I suppose.
 
#14
ViroBono said:
For audible efforts, the tried and trusted 'More tea, Vicar?' remains popular, and can be followed up with 'No thank you, it makes me fart'. '
or you can always try

"get out and walk, you owe me three weeks rent!!"
 
#15
Mighty_doh_nut said:
If I do this she will be knackered in later life when a young man approaches her and invites her out and she responds by dropping her guts into a cupped hand and muzzling him with it. :D
:lol: MDN, this is commonly known as "cupping" or to quote roger mellies profanosaurus "a cupcake"

me and our lass do this to much amusement on a regular basis!! 8O 8O :twisted:
 
#16
ugly said:
I took my oldest to bisley today and the big sod got a V Bull at 200 yds with my Bundook. Have to buy him one now I suppose.
The answer of course is don't take him again! :D

I was going to go today for a Turkey shoot but had to work. :(
 
#17
I am amazed that they let you breed?!

I'd rather have a son than a daughter. With a son, there's only one pr1ck to worry about - with a daughter, there's thousands of them!
 
#18
i read this post this morning with a tear of pride and nostalgia in my eye , it transported me back to the days of my own childhood , and those first faltering steps in life guided by my father , his personal favourite was the "head clamp" , whilst climbing all over him ,as kids are wont to do , he would at the appropriate moment as you were climbing through the hole he had created between his crossed legs snap his legs tight , and part your hair , you never actually heard the guff as your ears were being squashed , but it felt like standing under a hand dryer whilst having rotten eggs broken on your forehead.
it's not the kind of trick you fall for too often , and is a tough lesson well learnt.
with christmas coming up a bountifull time is to be had if you put yourself on the "crimbo plan" early , this consists of eating sprouts with every meal , and snacking on dry roasted peanuts and after eights between all meals , this will without fail produce marsh gas of near lethal toxicity , and to set the cataclysmic chain of events in motion on christmas day morning eat a satsuma as a detonator , if done properly and timed right you'll be able to blow the wrapping paper off your kids pressies in the morning , retire to the sh*tter with your new viz annual till dinnertime , beat the blood back into your legs and stumble down to dinner to "top up" and finally SBD everyone into a coma like state during james bond.
perhaps you could guff into some tupperware beakers , put the lids on them and wrap them in brightly coloured paper twisting it at the ends to produce "fart crackers" as the unsuspecting victims pull the ends the lid will come off and release your vitamins into the atmosphere , thus ensuing the hilarity continues through christmas dinner. :D
and MDN , the fact your daughter is a girl (as is traditional ) should not put you off the teachings of "the way" my brothers little girl is 2 now , and can stop traffic with her speciality the "nappy bulger" , which she times to perfection whenever someone sits her on their lap.
 
#19
shortfuse,

When your little girl brings home a "young Man" for you to meet, be waiting in your den and be sharpening your fighting knife (I sit there with my "K-bad") and tell him your daughter is your pride and joy and anyone who thinks they're going to get out of line with her will die a very painful, very horrible death. My little girl is 21 and it still works!

Bean
 
#20
Mighty_doh_nut said:
Can anyone give me advice on how to rear a daughter.....
MDN... If there is one pearl of wisdom that you impart to your daughter, something she will be able use as a guide through the rocky road to woman hood, whilst at the same time be able to silence grown men with bewilderment and confusion is….. double standards!!

Dropping of ones guts is the perfect example… teach her right and with one knowing glare her man will feel her contempt and utter disgust and promptly banish himself to the ether to contemplate his malodorous wrong doing…

Double standards then comes into its own, truly a fine female quality…. later the same day she will by almost supernatural means experience selective amnesia.

In the presence of her man (still groveling from his stenchly shame) she will exercise her dung trumpet, remembering to lean forward slightly, reducing the reverberating noise of flapping sphincter (if in bed… she can take full advantage of the cover of darkness and clamp her bumcheeks open to eliminate all noise).

Releasing the most mouth drying, eye watering, stomach heaving guff, leaving her man with no doubt that she has just cleaned out the entire length of her colon and anal passage! Then with the sweetest of smiles and looking up sheepishly through her feminine locks at her man giggle and walk off!
:D
 

Similar threads

Top