Proverbs for the twenty first century

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by CivvyPete, Jun 26, 2012.

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  1. I was thinking, this morning, in an idle moment between scanning down the threads on here and sweeping the web for filthy porn, that most proverbs are not really suited to the modern age, and it might be better if they were updated a bit. So I'll start you off with a couple, and hope some of the wise folk on here can do better.

    "He who hesitates has lost his satnav"

    and

    "It's the lost straw that buggers your CamelBak"
     
  2. To err is human, to completely fuck it up you need a computer.

    All that glistens is not bling.

    Too many chefs completely fuck up the cookhouse.

    He who laughs last, fails to see the joke.
     
  3. A bird in the hand gets you arrested for endangering wildlife.

    It's an I'll wind that boosts the share price of GlaxoSmithKline.

    Smile and the world smiles with you, fall on your arse and it's on YouTube in seconds.

    There's many a good song totally fucked up in the cover version.

    If it's been sent from my HTC Sensation using Tapatalk then I'm probably pissed.
     
  4. He who hesitates is a dozy cunt that needs to get out of my way RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

    Patience is not a virtue, it's a concept invented by dozy cunts (see above) who can't think quick enough.
     
  5. Your money is what the government saves,
    Their money is what the government spends.

    In this life two only things are certain;
    Talent shows and fixes.

    Marry in haste
    Sell the divorce story at leisure.

    To err is human
    To draw a line under it and move on is political.

    Out of the mouths of babes
    Comes words of ghost written drivel.

    When your village is visited by once famous personalities
    A time of great pestilence is at hand.

    A thief steals
    A murderer kills
    An MP 'makes a mistake' and apologises.

    Silicone Valley and Jordan's cleavage
    Are not the same thing.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Oooooh! You stole that! 'Patience is a word invented by dull buggers, who can't think fast enough.' Spike Milligan. I'm telling on you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I didn't steal it. I bought it out in a hostile takeover, took it offshore to China where it was copied without regard to intellectual property rights and reimported the thing, whilst putting all the profits from it into an offshore account to avoid paying as much tax as possible. "Steal it" indeed, it's the 21st century FFS.
     
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  8. Every cloud has a toxic chemical content!
     
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  9. You can lead a chav to water, but you can't make him wash in it.
     
  10. There's many a mickle macks a muckle.

    No, me neither. Auld Yin, over to you pal...
     
  11. It's mony.
     
  12. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    "When it comes to ideas 'steal with pride' "

    "Patience may well be a virtue but it's also a girls name".
     
  13. _Chimurenga_

    _Chimurenga_ LE Gallery Guru

    "Everyone loves a catfight but nobody likes a bitch."
     
  14. Spare the rod, go to prison.
     
  15. You can't teach your grandma to suck eggs. You haven't done the egg-sucking instructor's course.