Proposed Transport Upgrade

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Machristo, Nov 28, 2008.

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  1. Dear GCO/BCO,

    Due to severe overuse in the 2008 period, it has come to the notice of this member that the Site 'Outrage Bus' has had its expected service life significantly shortened. This, of course, presents a major problem for a majority of users and as such should be a high priority for resolution. To this end, this user suggests an upgrade to the older model of vehicle used, and moreover, a complete departure from the traditional confines of a bus, as this now presents a capacity issue. Ideally, a vehicle with the personnel capacity of a C-5, C-17, A380 or (in the perfect world) the USS Nimitz would provide a satisfactory solution to this problem. This user does appreciate the budget constraints of ARRSE.co.uk however; and also the fact that most 'Outrage Bus' excursions are land based provides obvious parking problems for a Nimitz class carrier. I think we can all agree that adding the outrage arising from an insufficiency of parking places available to such vessel would merely compund the existing problems.
    In the interests of fairness, and also to avert any undue outrage, I suggest the contract for providing the new vehicle be put to tender. As a guideline, I think we should probably be looking at a coach- although frankly we could do with an entire fleet. With of course a media center so as provide up the minute data on arising outrages, and a bar facility where such matters can be discussed reasonably and without bias, as is the ARRSE way. I have enclosed below a suggestion as to how this new vehicle may be liveried.

    I look forward to recieving your reply in short order.

    Yours expectantly,

    -Mach
     

    Attached Files:

  2. Fair enough idea, but I would buy a Routemaster.
    They never had mile measuring devices (can't spell mileometers) they calculated distance according to routes plied and daily schedules. RM9 - still going strongly -has probably done about 2,000,000 miles. I'm surprised when I see the modern, foreign, rubbish doing 20 miles without expiring.

    I'm hoping for a new anorak at Christmas!
     
  3. Train spotters maybe, plane spotters OK, BUT a BUS SPOTTER that takes the bisquit
     
  4. the outrage zeppelin the new ultra modern tank carrying blimp room for everyone and ability to rain napalm death on the deserving while sipping martinis :twisted:
     
  5. Dear Mr Machristo,

    GCO and BCO have asked me to respond on their behalf.

    As everybody knows, we are in the depths of recession due to the reckless behaviour of vile, Republican Americans. As I'm sure you can appreciate, austerity must be our watchword in these difficult times.

    For this reason, the new Outrage Bus fleet will be procured through a public finance initiative devised by our consultant Mr Jeffrey Skilling, former CEO of Enron Corp. and formulated from his new corporate headquarters at the Federal Correction Institution in Waseca, Minnesota, USA.

    Under the scheme, the new Outrage Bus fleet will not actually be owned by ARRSE plc. Ownership will remain with the manufacturers, Trabant Vehicles pty of Nigeria who will remain responsible for maintaining the fleet. ARRSE will lease the bus fleet from Trabant, at a cost substantially in excess of the cost of buying the vehicles outright, and they will be available to ARRSE whenever Trabant aren't using them for something else.

    I'm sure you realise that this arrangement offers many advantages, not least the fact that the massive debts that the COs have just signed up to wont be appearing on the ARRSE balance sheet any time soon.

    The new vehicles will feature a host of improvements over the existing fleet:-

    Separate toilets for ladies, gents and pre-op transsexuals.

    Sleeper seats for Sven

    Disabled access for those who are challenged by paralysis, blindness or Stella Artois.

    Full NBC citadel to protect the public from the contents of the bus on the way back from ARRSE curry night.

    I trust that these arrangements will meet with your approval and I present a photo taken during road testing of the first prototype in Lagos.

    [​IMG]
     
  6. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Isn't TCH in charge of Transport now. Maybe we should keep the bus off the road in case it irritates him. Or perhaps he will go skiing.
     
  7. Sounds like a bigger rip off than a wax job on ya knackers to me. But then I'm just a mere mortal, and bow to the CO's superior abilities...
     
  8. I may have sourced a replacement, I am led to believe there are several available, so we might be able to create our own fleet.

    The only minor drawback that I can see is there are no toilets and no seats, only beds! We may need to organise a bit of retro-fitting, any MT lads out there that can help?

    It seems the specs are a bit suspicious: 0-600 in 1.2 secs. but I don't know too much about mechanical stuff.

    Oh we'll need to repaint them in our livery, they only come in PURPLE!

     
  9. MRA4 any good? I've seen some going spare - new wing, engine upgrade, fluffy dice inc etc Phone 1-800-DEL-BOY courtesy of the MoD.