• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

Pro Tips, 'Life Cheats' and Good Advice

#1
Any little 'tips, tricks or advice' you have available, why not share them, eh? Most of the stuff in here you'll already know or have suspected but if you've worked for a certain company or industry or you've experienced something and learned something about it, why not share it here? This stuff is all over the internet on other forums and blogs - a google and a quick sift through the shite will reveal that - but with all the Old and Bold on this site, we could have a good one.

So post them up. Whether it's advice about being polite all the time or some way to get the best out of a company you're buying from, go for it. Doesn't matter if it seems obvious or stupid, somebody should find it a bit useful.

Unsure how big this thread will get (if it will grow at all since most of you are probably thinking 'fuck off', which is fair enough) but it could be pretty fucking good.
 
#2
(here's some relatively simple ones to get us started)

When booking a hotel always deal with them directly by using their website, e-mail or – if you have the time – phone them. You can make personal adjustments to your room that way and even select a preference for a quiet room (receptionists will always know and will always happily oblige)

If you are drinking your beer or juice from a can, be sure to rinse and wipe the top of it if the opportunity is present. These are often stored in places with vermin and handled by people with poor sanitation and carry a great deal of germs, bacteria and other manky stuff.

Supermarkets always keep the older stock at the front of the display and the newer stuff at the back. If you want the freshest bread, milk, butter, meat or vegetables and fruit then take from the back or dig to the very bottom of the pile.

If you use First Bus to get around, keep your tickets. There is always an offer for something from McDonalds for £1.99 on it, which is handy if you’re stuck for a quick lunch when out and about.

If you’re going to be travelling a long distance by taxi you should ask for a price when you phone the company. Many taxi drivers can be bad for fiddling with prices but if you phone the company they will inform the cab you have hired that they have given you a price.

Also, when in a taxi, talk to the driver and be pleasant, even if he is a boring cunt. It’s a lonely job sometimes and all these guys need is a bit of interesting company and somebody to listen to. Talk away to him, be pleasant, ask him how his day has been. You might find a couple of quid knocked off the end price.

DO NOT use external hotel websites such as booking.com. These websites often don’t have accurate information about the hotel, they add a couple of quid in sub-charges but state that as the room fee and they are unable to guarantee you the room type that you are looking for meaning that your preference for a family room might become a simple twin room. Deal with hotels directly.

Every hotel - independent or not - has a very simple money-back policy, whether this is advertised or not. These money-back policies are simply based around refunds for your stay that evening. The idea is to complain about noise in the morning and you will be compensated by way of a refund. Most hotel companies refer to this as an ‘invocation’. It’s very easy to do:-

- Drop by the main desk in the morning and just tell the receptionist/manager that you had a terrible night’s sleep. Don’t state that you want to complain or be grumpy, just say: “I didn’t sleep very well last night”.

- Seem genuine. We are attuned to spotting ‘money-backers’ so simply appear as if you were unaware of the money-back policy, it is just an innocent admission to a poor night’s sleep.

- Do NOT complain about noises from other guests. More often than not the night porter has kept a log of noise throughout the night and can rebuke your accusations.

- Internal noise is almost guaranteed to get you a refund. Things such as the heating system in the room making a noise, the extractor fan in the bathroom not turning off, noise from the elevator moving up and down or even a buzz from a light in the corridor.

- External noise also counts but this won’t be guaranteed to work. Premier Inn is usually gullible with these complaints. If the hotel is next to a busy road, simply state that as a reason for a poor sleep.
 
#4
Never attempt to appear "well travelled" when on an aeroplane and make a point of reading a paper just as the safety brief commences. Not only is it very chavvy but it could also save your life or help you save someone elses. It also has the reverse effect of what you thought it would do.

Never trust a civvy colleague once you leave the mob. You may get on well at work etc but it's dog eat dog and all rules about looking out for your oppo when promotions come up or jobs are at risk fly out the window.

If at work you receive a phonecall from a client who starts the call with: "Oh yeah...Hi..." Hang up. It will be a pain in the arse phonecall made by someone who has practiced what they are going to say with the intention of patronising you whilst trying to push boundaries or make an unfeasible complaint.

If your phone rings then quickly stops before you answer, then you see the same number ringing again 20 seconds later - see above > they forgot something and wanted to get their spiel right.

Never underestimate somebody's strength or stamina just because they appear much older than you and / or appear out of shape.

Never enter into a relationship with a bird who slags off their ex to you on the first few dates or claims to have been raped / abused / etc etc on the first few dates. I abided by that one and it resulted in me having fuckall to do with any bird born and bred within 20 miles of Plymouth centre. It stood me well as I know many who fell foul of it.
 
#8
.
When buying items off eBay, if an item arrives and doesn't require a signature from the postie, leave it a few days and then complain to the seller that your item hasn't turned up. 9 times out of 10 they will send you either another item or a refund. Ker-Ching!!

Always complain, you get nothing being nice, people and companies will nearly always offer you something as a sweetner.
 
#9
.
When buying items off eBay, if an item arrives and doesn't require a signature from the postie, leave it a few days and then complain to the seller that your item hasn't turned up. 9 times out of 10 they will send you either another item or a refund. Ker-Ching!!

Always complain, you get nothing being nice, people and companies will nearly always offer you something as a sweetner.
mind you, the other 1 time out of 10 they will turn up on your doorstep and chin you, you robbing twat.
 
#11
When the urge arrives to chuck out a quick spank of the monkey in the living room for fucks sake make sure your parents are still not there watching telly.

Pretty embarrassing when your mum points at your knob and says they come in men's sizes also.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#12
If the truck ahead is trying to change lanes, don't fucking speed up to stop him. Sooner or later one of them will just plough you into the kerb.
 
#15
.
When buying items off eBay, if an item arrives and doesn't require a signature from the postie, leave it a few days and then complain to the seller that your item hasn't turned up. 9 times out of 10 they will send you either another item or a refund. Ker-Ching!!

Always complain, you get nothing being nice, people and companies will nearly always offer you something as a sweetner.
Nobody likes a thief! You must have been a delight to share a room with!

There’s a difference between always booking a car that rental companies keep the least of (4 door compacts) because quite often you’ll get a free upgrade, to how to con or steal off others!
 
#16
If at work you receive a phonecall from a client who starts the call with: "Oh yeah...Hi..." Hang up. It will be a pain in the arse phonecall made by someone who has practiced what they are going to say with the intention of patronising you whilst trying to push boundaries or make an unfeasible complaint.

If your phone rings then quickly stops before you answer, then you see the same number ringing again 20 seconds later - see above > they forgot something and wanted to get their spiel right.
Also on the same theme.

If you answer a call, and there is a delay before they speak to you, it's a call centre. They use an automated dialler to dial lots of numbers at the same time. When you answer it then kicks the call to a waiting "advisor" to speak to you about what ever crap they're selling.
 
#17
If trying to pull a bird - wear red. Red is proven to be make you more appealing to members of the opposite sex. Females, in particular, are subconsciously attracted to the colour red when worn by males. It also implies dominance.

Always treat secretaries and administrators respectfully and go out of your way to be nice to them. These people are often the 'gatekeepers' for people and resources that you will need access to (if not then, then at some point) and often have strong relationships with people in authority in an organisation. Their opinion of you makes a significant difference to those they work for/work with.

Women respond much more positively to men when you stand by their side or at a 90 degree angle to them when you talk to them rather than dealing with them face-to-face.

Don't cheat on your spouse/partner. If you must cheat, don't humiliate them. Don't risk having your transgressions going back to them or their friends. Don't do it where you live. Don't do it with people in your shared social circle - don't shit where you live.

If you happen to have lost your phone charger, don't fuss about buying another one. Go to a nearby hotel (preferably from a big chain like Premier Inn or Travel Lodge) and say that you stayed there recently but lost your phone charger - you cannot remember which room you were in. Guaranteed that the receptionist will present a box or bucket filled with phone chargers. Have a browse for yours and pick it out, they're all spares.

If you want to wind up the ignorant cunt behind you in a queue, hold down all four corner buttons on a chip and pin machine to reset it. It takes quite a while to start up again. Make sure to complete YOUR transaction first :)

Smiling suppresses the gag/vomit reflex

If you want to know if somebody is properly paying attention to you when you're talking, you can tell by how their feet are angled. If both are pointing straight at you, you have their full attention.



 
#19
When booking a hotel always deal with them directly by using their website, e-mail or – if you have the time – phone them. You can make personal adjustments to your room that way and even select a preference for a quiet room (receptionists will always know and will always happily oblige)
I treated the wife to a night away at a smart hotel at the start of January. As it was so close to the new year we were the only ones staying in the hotel that night. I'd spoken to the receptionist on the phone a couple of days earlier to confirm the booking and mentioned that we'd stayed there before and that it was a birthday treat for the wife.

When we got there the receptionist had upgraded us to their best suite (sitting room, bedroom with four poster bed, huge bathroom etc) at no extra cost. Made a point of thanking the staff and said we'd think about going back again next year - you never know.

It is always worth asking for a room on the top floor of a hotel as well, that way you don't get noisy feckers stompiong around above your heads when you are trying to sleep or have an afternoon shag...

Rodney2q
 
#20
I treated the wife to a night away at a smart hotel at the start of January. As it was so close to the new year we were the only ones staying in the hotel that night. I'd spoken to the receptionist on the phone a couple of days earlier to confirm the booking and mentioned that we'd stayed there before and that it was a birthday treat for the wife.

When we got there the receptionist had upgraded us to their best suite (sitting room, bedroom with four poster bed, huge bathroom etc) at no extra cost. Made a point of thanking the staff and said we'd think about going back again next year - you never know.

It is always worth asking for a room on the top floor of a hotel as well, that way you don't get noisy feckers stompiong around above your heads when you are trying to sleep or have an afternoon shag...

Rodney2q

Indeed, Rodney, thanks for backing that one up.

Always try to deal with the hotel directly, we are here to help and we'll go out of our way to accommodate you. Also, Rodney's advice about rooms is great but here's a breakdown.

CLEANEST ROOMS - closest to the stairwell/start of the corridor
QUIETEST ROOMS - preferably on the top floor but guaranteed always to be at the furthest end of the corridor
BEST WIFI COVERAGE - closest rooms to reception

Hotels are generally easy to manipulate. Receptionists are nice people, it is the ultimate customer service job because it is somewhat personal as we're talking about a place where you will sleep, eat, shag, piss and shit. We understand this and we understand matters of confidentiality (unless I am checking you in and you are a weirdo, in which case I will infrom ARRSE)
 

Latest Threads