Priests

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by JillyBaby, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. Ten Priests are killed in an accident & arrive at the Pearly Gates.
    St Peter says "If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell!"
    Nine of them start walking away.
    St Peter shouts "Take the deaf cunt with you!"
     
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  2. A catholic priest was guilt ridden after running over a frog with his car.he stopped and was surprised to find it alive,he took the frog home and revived it with a warm bath and some fly soup.The frog was emotional and tired,so he popped it into bed and administered a small kiss to help bring on sleep.Immediately,the frog transformed into an eleven year old boy.And that,your honour,is the case for the defence.:thumright:
     
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  3. What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
    a rabbi cuts them off, and a priest sucks them off.
     
  4. Whats a priest and a pint of guiness got in common.
    A black coat,white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
     
  5. Before being ordained six priests had to stand nude with a bell to their cocks.Anyone whos bell rang had no spiritual purity.A naked girl with big tits danced before each one.The first one showed no reaction,she went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest Ralph.Poor Ralph,while she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room.Embarrassed he ran and bent to pick it up,then all the fucking bells rang!
     
  6. Paddy wants to become a priest,so he goes to see the bishop who says "First you must answer three questions on the bible".
    1st,"who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" replies paddy.
    2nd,"Do you know anything about Damascus?" "It kills 99% of all known germs." says paddy.
    3rd,"What happened when the disciples went to mount Olive?" "Not sure about that" says paddy! "Did Popeye kick the shite out of them!!?
     
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  7. The thing i hate about catholic masses is all the sitting,the standing and the kneeling.I wish the priest would just pick a position and fcuk me.
     
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  8. The catholc church has announced that condoms may now be used in certain exceptional circumstances,for example if an alter boy has diarrhoea.
     
  9. Two priests at a party decide to have a go on a bucking bronco....1st priest lasts about 30 seconds.the second priest lasts over 10 minutes! The first priest asks "how did you manage to stay on for so long?"The second priest replies "One of my alter boys is epileptic."
     
  10. BiscuitsAB

    BiscuitsAB LE Moderator

    A Priest a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.





    And then he orders a drink.
     
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  11. A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

    There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blonde.

    He hears a priest come in:

    "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

    "Get out. You're on my side," the priest replies.



    A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

    The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

    Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months ince my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

    This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

    "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

    " Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

    The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
    shoes.

    The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

    The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

    The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."



    The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?

    All the men stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

    All the women stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

    Half the women stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

    Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

    The priest fainted.


    One day a girl went to church to make a confession.

    GIRL: Forgive me father for I have sinned

    PRIEST: What have you done my child

    GIRL: I called a man a son of a bitch

    PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a bitch

    GIRL: Cause he touched my hand

    PRIEST: Like this, (he touches her hand)

    GIRL:Yes father.

    PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch

    GIRL: Then he touched my breast.

    PRIEST: Like this, (he touched her breast)

    GIRL: Yes father

    PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch

    GIRL: Then he took off my clothes father

    PRIEST: Like this, (he takes off her clothes)

    GIRL: Yes father

    PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch

    GIRL: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where

    PRIEST: Like this, (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    GIRL: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!

    After a few minutes the priest said, that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch

    GIRL: But father he had AIDS

    PRIEST: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!