Prank calls

This afternoon has seen me sink to new depths of boredom, all the staff had a poets day at lunchtime leaving me and a piece of totty which Im strictly forbidden to pester left behind.

I entertained myself by calling the RSPCA and asked what kit I would need to visit and have an afternoon being cruel to the guests. After being called an insensitive sicko they hung up.................

I then tried to donkey sanctuary and asked if they charge for being cruel to the horses etc, and she called be a childish warped idiot.............

I now have a new hobby and the afternoon has flown by.



Pick a unit.......any the guardroom and find out what the name of the guard commander is.........then find out the number of the RSM and try this...........Good afternoon, this is CPl Bloggs in the guardroom.........stick your regiment up your arrse you stupid f@ck@r..............should produce a few laughs around the camp !
Did something similar one night, phoned the Household division at Wellington Barracks, introduced my self to the Guardcommander as WO1 big git from Colchester, said I was on leave and was hungry for any smooth thighed prisoners and thier bottoms.

Told them I would bung em for letting me in and giving them a rodgering ;D

Insisted that the Gaurd commander phoned the ORD OFF to wake him up and ask if my request could be actioned.
I knew a bloke who was a Crab Sgt. He was on Station Guard Commander one day (a Saturday - I was bored and had a few too many sherberts). Being really bored I decided to phone him and said (in a rather stupid voice) "This is Wing Commander so and so.  Execute Operation ######### - Just made a name up ) And put the phone down.

Little did I know that Operation ######## was the name of a real Operation.  

The Guard Commander (not recognising my stupid RAF Officer put on voice) quickly put his slippers and got onto the Duty Officer who looked it up in the "Bumper book of words for Station Duty Officers" and found out it meant - "Warsaw Pact Airforces now crossing Inner German Border"

Caused absolute mayhen by all accounts, RAF Regiment got crashed out,  pilots sat in fully bombed up planes, all sorts of sh1t -  until someone done some frantic phone calls and sussed it as a wind up.

I never admited it was me because a lot of people at Crab Air were really really p1ssed off about the whole affair  ;D ;D ;D  


Working in a cheeky little unit in NI.

Part of our job was to divert the resident inf battalion to an area we were working in.

This would involve an annoying phone call round about midnight to the Inf bloke (usually a CSM) who'd arranged the patrol programme for that evening. He would always be severely jarred off that you'd fcuked up his plans, but would always have to do as you said when you dropped in the right password.

We always told any new blokes doing the job, if the Inf bloke gets a bit arsey just assume a couple of ranks above him and fcuk him off,

One of the new lance jacks we had in took it a bit far with the ops offr out of North Howard Street Mill, conversation went as follows

"This is Captain Bob from ****** we need one of your patrols to support us out at Whiterock RUC"

"On whos say so?"


"Who are you"

"Captain Bob"

"What unit are you with?"

"Can't say"

"What rank are you?"

"Why, what rank are you?"


"Well, i'm a fcukin major, so get on with it"

"Never heard your name in the mess at Lisburn"

"I don't go in there, their all fcukin wankers"

"I will divert my patrol, but I don't believe your who you say you are, and will take it up with ops offr ***** tomorrow"

"Fill your fcukin boots, just get 'em shifted"

Job got done an Cap'n Bob broke the world record for amount of ROPs received in one fell swoop


War Hero
Old one...but still good

Phone battersea dogs home and when the phone is picked up....just bark and howl for as long as you can keep a straight face....


got off tour in ni-new all head shed from relief sqn-me and a mate got pissed up called from mainland and crashed all the teams out  at 3 in morning ;D


Phone the speaking clock.  Then transfer the call to an unsuspecting colleague, ensuring that you put your phone down just as they pick up.  Their phone rings as if it were an external call, and lo and behold its the speaking clock ringing them up to tell them the time.

Repeat.  All day.


I gather that London Zoo get an unfunny amount of calls for a 'Mr C Lion' and a 'Mr G Raffe', which reach a peak on April 1st.... ;D

I am also lead to believe that Kew Gardens gets calls for 'Mr Tom Arto'



variation on the last a small bit off sellotape over the listening end of the phone to the main body.

hours of endless fun


Oooo... just reminded me of another (I must get out more often...) a little piece of sellotape over the switch under the handset so that when they do pick up the handset, the phone carries on ringing regardless.
On finding the company office empty, or the staff distracted, simply swipe the earpiece on the receiver in the ink pad for the rubber stamps.

Retire and ring the office for a colourful earful.

(C) CIU Castlereagh 1977


Bored at the airport? Try this out:
Look for a flight that arrived in the last half hour from somewhere where you would expect people with weird names to arrive from and write these names on a piece of paper, give it to the information officer saying you cant pronounce the names, that you are waiting for them, and would they read it out for you over the tannoy. They have and they do! Tried and tested at various airports..... ;)

Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayyed (I hate this fcuking job and I will be fired)
Makollig Jezvahted and Lefdaroum Debahzted
(my colleague just farted and left the room the b@stard)


I have one but it's when someone calls you!

Leave a message on your answering machine just saying hello.

Do this as though it's someone ringing from a phone that has a delay on it, remember the more realistic hello, who? I can't hear yous! The better., The amount of people that I got with that!

The only problem was when I did  this I was living in my own gaff and my husband was calling from Bosnia. It was my virgin tour! How was I supposed to know that he would be ringing from a sattelite telephone with delay on it. Needless to say that he went a bit loopy and asked me what kind of stupid fucking thing was that to do... Doh!

You live and learn. It never stopped me from laughing my tits off at the idea of him having a full blown are you there conversation when in fact I was probably in the pub!
How about just picking a number out of the phone book at random and when the person answers say "I am going to kill you"
Do this at irregular intervals (but a minimum of 3 times a day) for about 2 years and the effects on your victim can be quite startling.

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