PPI "Helplines"

Keep getting these cunts ringing and giving an automated message about "their records" tell them blah blah....

The normal response is to hang up, cursing, but I think we're all going about it the wrong way.

This time I pressed the button to talk to an advisor, "Hello, this is Josh on behalf of PPI Helpline, how can I help?"

"You can stop ringing every day, YOU FUCKING REPTILES, I'm sick of your automated messages, you FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!"

If everyone goes through, it means their poxy callcentre gets overwhelmed by people they can't do business with, thousands of us who won't fall for their crap to deny them the odd dickhead that wants to do business with them......
Go and sit down with a nice cup of tea. You will soon feel better.

I had one ring me last week and I couldn't get the cunt off the phone and could barely get a word in edgeways! I started off politely saying I don't believe I have ever been mis-sold PPI so I am not persuing any claims, but he kept going on and on (this is while I'm sat at work with my boss in the office) about my credit cards and loans etc, I ended up having to rudely tell him to fuck off and hung up. They keep ringing my work mobile as well which isn't even registered to me! Relentless cunts.
They keep texting me...so I reply "Fuck off"

So far this has worked............................

one sent back "based on your reply, we will no longer be contacting you"

another sent back "OK, fair enough"

It's been very quiet since.....:thumright:
Go and sit down with a nice cup of tea. You will soon feel better.

Think about it..... this is the perfect way to stop the bastards.

The automated calls are designed as a cheap way of weeding out 999 people who wouldn't piss on their teeth if they were on fire, to get the one interested idiot on the phone.

It will make this system of annoying the entire population at least once a week, unworkable, if enough people do it it will bring them down, becaust Bfucking T are being totally unhelpful with this problem.......
two things that work quite well
1/ pass the phone to a 4 year old
2/ play porn down the phone to them
Somehow they have my work and mobile and ...my home number.Never mind selling PPI I think some cunts sold all my phone numbers.

My solution is to press 5 to speak to an adviser and then put the phone on the desk and carry on working.


I've been getting calls from a lovely Indian chap called Phil or Brian. Either way it doesn't matter. This chap says he's from Microsoft and that I have a virus in my computer.

I tell him I don't have a computer. "Yes you do" is the reply. After much back and forth he comes clean and admits that he is in fact Bill Gates and he'll buy me a computer.

I thought that was very nice of him.

Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
They have upped their game a bit over the years. Its nice that they now say;

'Hello, my name is Brian isn't it?'

Gets me thinking its a UK call centre every time.
You need to register all your phone numbers with TPS they can't stop the recorded messages but will stop unsolicited cold calls.



I had one of these blokes call me up about PPI.

I said I was very concerned about it - so he went on to ask what my problem was.

I told him:

"Well it's not my problem per se... It's just that the standard Lynx Gem engine PPI is simply not sufficient to maintain operations during the hottest parts of the year in Helmand - hence the Lynx Mk 7s can only operate from Jan til May, and from Sep til Dec. By carrying out a comp wash at more regular intervals can help, but this is by no means an ideal solution. What we need are upgraded engines with higher PPI figures...."

And the line went dead.

That was 4 years ago.


Book Reviewer
Got the windows version while having breakfast the other morning.
Some chap from microsoft was ringinging me about my windows problem on a non existant operating system, I figured it wasn't Bill Gates shelling out a refund.
It was about the viruses in my machine, after a pleasant five minutesin which I admitted my laptop was running like a dog. He agreed to put me on to his supervisor.
So another cup of coffee, him on speakerphone I kept him appraised about the slow running fuction of the laptop. He was there for 11 and a half minutes before I asked him had I wasted enough of his time yet.

Ask them how they got the number. They usually hang up.
I've just had the "Can I speak to the homeowner please?" call.

"Who wants to know?"

"My name's Paul, and I'd just like you to complete a consumer survey".

"Don't want to - bye".
You need to register all your phone numbers with TPS they can't stop the recorded messages but will stop unsolicited cold calls.

That TPS thing does work, but the cheeky little tykes try it on every now and then.

After i registered the house phone once every 2 weeks a little indian voice says ''hello, may i speak to a Mr Bennett''

Followed by a ''no, lick my ring piece'' from moi sorts it.
Slightly off subject , if someone has pissed you off register for every competition under the sun using their phone number , they will be bombarded with calls .


£2000 Tesco Competition
The numbers come up as either an 08448 number or "Unavailable". The first one gets the Consuela treatment, and I have to answer the "Unavailable" in case it's B_and_T wanting to abuse the military phone system and ask me boring questions.

I think next time they phone, the "Homeowner" will be in the garden.

"He under patio, you call back".

Similar threads

Latest Threads