Post coital protocol

To set the scene:

You've pulled and gone back to her place. She lives with her parents, but mum is deaf and dad works nights, so you don't need to worry about a bit of noise. You're already paying a fortune to CSA, so nowadays you always use a condom. You've done the deed and upheld the fine reputation of your regiment. Up to now you've been very responsible, but what next?

How do you dispose of the condom?

Do you:

1. Allow it to slide off of its own accord and leave it where it falls?

2. Remove it, inflate it and squeeze the neck to make squeaky noises, while spraying cold cum on the ceiling?

3. Inflate it, then let it go, causing cold cum to be sprayed everywhere as the condom flies round the room?

4. Remove it and flick it under the bed?

5. Go to the bog and drop it in the pan before flushing?

6. As 5, but wrap it in bog roll to promote flushing - and ensure that it is flushed away before you leave?

7. As 5, but knot the end so that there is no chance that it will ever flush away?

8. Drop it in the bin in the bathroom, mischievously hoping that it will be mum that finds it first.

9. Take it home, to be mounted on your battle honours board.

10. Wash it out carefully and re-lube, just in case?

11. Inter it in the local cemetery, a small cross signifying that you've prevented human life?

12. Inter it in the local cemetery, half a dozen small crosses signifying that you're an optimist/egotist?

Or none of the above, please explain......
Throw it outside. Next morning drive down the street and watch little kids making "baloons" out of it as they inadvertently swallow your seed.

Laugh diabolically.
Or, tie it, stuff it in your lightweights pocket and then having forgotten, pull it out the next day then try to explain to your mate (slop jockey attached) WTF is going on.
Probably the first sign of Alzheimers I can recall.
1. Whistle loudly to attract your partner's pet labrador.

2. Wave your still sheathed but rapidly collapsing manhood in the beast's face.

3. The hound (the one that's not dozing in the bed) will assume you're up for some fun and he'll grab the end of the condom. (Warning : Ensure he only bites down on the condom. Getting your c0ck in the dog's mouth at this point can lead to prosecution).

4. You and your new best mate can have a game of 'dog pull' until the prophylactic eventually slips off.

5. Laugh heartily for the next week or so, sure in the knowledge that the dog will be showing off its 'new toy' to your conquest's parents, neighbours and visiting RSPCA inspectors.

6. Laugh even harder the week after, sure in the knowledge that the dog has swallowed your used blob and that it will soon reappear, semi-inflated and half full of dog sh1t, at the end of the dog that doesn't bark.

Young people - remember - condoms can be fun AND they protect you from disease.


Kit Reviewer
Puttees, use of serials #5 or #7 can definitely get you kicked out of the girlfriend's house when her large CPO father who's on the Pompey Field Gun team comes home & has a piss.

I know this for a fact.
best way to get rid of the fecker, is, run tap, fill up with water, drop into cr4pper and flush, works a treat and give the sewage guys something to play condom I've been told.
Devil_Dog said:
Throw it outside. Next morning drive down the street and watch little kids making "baloons" out of it as they inadvertently swallow your seed.

Laugh diabolically.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again-there's something profoundly wrong with you... :D
Drop it in her handbag as a nice reminder the next time she dips in for her mobile.
slip it in to her dad's side of the marital bed..... give it a couple of weeks and mum'll be available too.
I would imagine.
Never forget your upbringing and repsect for the weaker sex (you may need a fcuk at short notice so never burn your bridges)

"Thanks for the fuck luv. Oh, you'll probably want to wash the curtains before they get too stiff as I've just wipe my c0ck on them. Do you want me to wash the JBag and leave it here for you in case you get caught short down the boozer tonight or should I just throw it out of your window?"

Politeness and a bit of respect never hurt anybody.
Don't tell her your name, ergo no need for condom.
just leave it in her bed..the pikey cow will probably want to use it for her next conquest anyway from the local "squaddie pub"... failing that her mom will find it when she changes the bedclothes and call her all the names under the sun relating to slut and harlot ! top way of promoting family unity !
IA drills (post coitus)
Roll over
Fall asleep

Now you're asking about a more specialised form again there is a drill.

When you are awoken by the urine going cold (and hence being woken) from your swamping the bed in the wee small hours (see what I did there with "wee"?) you should find that your bratty has assumed the size and texture of a chipolata and the condom may be found afloat somewhere in the environs of the bed. It may have migrated to the floor and be covered in fluff. This is a bonus for the for what you do next: You must take assorted photos of used prophylactic palce strategically on the comatose partner (forehead/ hanging out of backside etc) for later giggles.

Once finished locate nearest window, open and launch. You can then blame local chavs for leaving it around on street.
Never ever leave a full blob at the scene of the erm incident. Tie a knot in it and chuck it out the window of the taxi as you cross a river so all evidence is taken out to sea. (Its what Jason Bourne would do)

If you don't the bitch will rub self like a mad dog with an inverted condom impregnating herself with your seed, thus putting the CSA on your trail for years.

Sorry, yes I have been drinking!


Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
It should be removed and packed in the sterile container you will have brought with you. Now, since you will also have shaved off all your body hair, and covered yourself in a sterile gel, you now have to make sure all dna evidence is erased from the crime scene, and the strong bleach you brought in your kit, will help there, as will the aerosol of wolf urine you are about to spray around. (it confuses scenes of crime wonderfully).
Blazing_spanners said:
1. Whip off condom
2. Clean knob on curtains
3. Nick sky/TV remote
4. Pin used knob sock to inside of front door
5. Home for tea and medals.
True on #3, you never know when yours is going to go on the blink, esp the sky+ ones, they aint cheap.

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