Possible new TV show?

Have just had the outline script for a new Saturday night show on primetime TV. I think they're stuck for a host - any ideas?

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of...


Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:

And win


We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor...

The British Taxpayer.

And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:


Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and Accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone

Buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:


A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury 200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ...

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience...

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - FREE

It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
Activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers,
Bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless

Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play...


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