Possible hoax letter

#1
It is understood that a letter such as below is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this may be a hoax or error
Ministry of Defiance
Whitehall London SW1A 4AA
Telephone 207 1988 1212

NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Dear Sir/Madam,

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence of the Realm Act 1978), you are hereby notified that you are on standby for compulsory military service. You may shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Third Foot and Mouth, or Prince Edward's Suicidal Conscripts.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any liners, because of deplorable condition in which they were returned after the Falklands venture, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M Government has been able to extend Rail Discount Cards for another fortnight, as well as negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines. You are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

Because of other cutbacks in Government expenditure on the MOD in recent years it will also be necessary for you to provide yourself as soon as possible with the following equipment:

Combat Jacket' Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim),
Burberry or Poncho.
Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers),
Gas mask. Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do).
Rifle & Ammunition - (preferably to suit previous item),
Suntan oil & Sand Wedge.

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to sponsor the purchase of a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice. Your next of kin will also be entitled to the new War Spouses pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

As there will be little time for formal military training before your departure, we advise to hire videos of the following films. Please try to pick up a few military tips as you watch:

The Guns of Navarone
Kelly's Heroes
A Bridge to Far
The Longest Day
Apocalypse Now
In Which We Serve
Blazing Saddles
Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum or Zulu.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,

Jeff Hound, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush - Blair Production.
Jointly Sponsored by Mars & Hershey Bars,
The Official snacks of World War III.
 
#2
I've got Mary Poppins, if anyone else wants a copy ;)

*I would like to know WTH sent this letter out, and I wonder how many take their advice, hehe
 
#3
I received that letter a few years ago. It's how I ended up in the TA.

I am still awaiting the arrival of my poncho.
 
#5
I thought all modern pre-deloyment training included the mandatory viewing of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?
 
#6
What self respecting chav of today is going to buy an X reg tank, when he could take his lowered Nova/Saxo/206 (delete as req) and anyway, you cant have a set of alloy's fitted to a tank.

Sparky
 

chrisg46

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
Wait just a god damn cotton picking minute? You mean its a fake? I just been out to get the map!! Do you think i can get my money back? i have a receipt...
 
#8
Does it matter if its DVD or VHS for the things we have to watch? Will it count against me if I use a second hand copy? The letter just isn't clear enough!
 
#9
It is understood that a very tired, old joke such as above is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this is not a hoax or error, as the poster is definitely senile.

msr
 
#10
msr said:
It is understood that a very tired, old joke such as above is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this is not a hoax or error, as the poster is definitely senile. msr
You can have "further instruction IS received" or "further instructions ARE received" but you cannot write "further instructions IS received"
Not that bloody senile!
 
#11
OldRedCap said:
msr said:
It is understood that a very tired, old joke such as above is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this is not a hoax or error, as the poster is definitely senile. msr
You can have "further instruction IS received" or "further instructions ARE received" but you cannot write "further instructions IS received"
Not that bloody senile!
Presumably that makes the 's' a hoax letter.



I'll get my coat.

edited for clarity
 
#12
Yahoooo! I'm on my way....no wait, hold on a minute, oh f- :oops:
 
#13
msr said:
It is understood that a very tired, old joke such as above is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this is not a hoax or error, as the poster is definitely senile.

msr
I don’t give a fook. Made I laugh. Thanks ORC. :wink:
 
#14
OldRedCap said:
It is understood that a letter such as below is circulating. Please do not act on this until further instructions is received - it is understood this may be a hoax or error
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,

Jeff Hound, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush - Blair Production.
Jointly Sponsored by Mars & Hershey Bars,
The Official snacks of World War III.
Why would I read something a footballer wrote?

I thought he was injured.
 

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