Porn. Amusing?

#1
Like any hot blooded male, i like, on occassion, to study the odd scud mag or film. The trouble is this:

FILMS. Who the bloody hell writes the script for these things? Sometimes it's like watching Morcambe & Wise, but with shagging. I'll give you a couple of examples:

"This is better than fcuking the mud by the river" :?

"You're so tight baby, it's like trying to park my pick up in a dog kennel"

"I know it hurts honey, but it hurts good"

For the love of God! Sometimes you can't thrap for laughing. I know the script is not the be all and end all, but make some fecking effort.

SCUD MAGS. These are the home of the sex walt. Need proof? just turn to any of the letters pages. These pages are full of milkmen having it off with reandy housewives, threesomes with Scandinavian hitch-hikers, men coming home from the pub to find their misses having a soixante-neuf with some young filly and of course, the 8" pen1s. As for the readers wives, oh the horror! Well, that and the pad furniture.

Fellow arrsers, am i alone in thinking that porn is really fecking funny?
 
#2
You mean to say you have never had a threesome with a pair of randy Swedish blonde hitch-hikers?
Thought everybody did.
 
#3
Dwarf said:
You mean to say you have never had a threesome with a pair of randy Swedish blonde hitch-hikers?
Thought everybody did.
So it is just me then.
 
#4
Donkey-Spanker said:
Dwarf said:
You mean to say you have never had a threesome with a pair of randy Swedish blonde hitch-hikers?
Thought everybody did.
I tried it once, but Sven and Bjorn left me unable to sit for weeks.
:judge: :clap: :clap:
 
#5
I find the best mags are the ones hidden behind cable boxes on the streets or in bushes at parks.
 
#6
Donkey-Spanker said:
blackrat_scaleyback said:
I find the best mags are the ones hidden behind cable boxes on the streets or in bushes at parks.
Sadly, I've only ever found the "* mirage", what you thought might be porn turns out to be a few pages froma Kays catalogue :cry:
Ah yes. Fake porn. You think have spied a bit of gash and on closer inspection, it turns out to be a pink pedal bin or some other random piece of shoite.
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
Things to remember in Porn world

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy in bed.
11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those breasts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses give BJ's thirty seconds after the examination starts.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily hacked off before joining the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
27. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a penis there.
28. Men don't have to beg.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. All women are completely bald.
31. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then shagged in a moving van.
32. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
33. Any other girl is a MILF
34:All the best jobs are delivery boys / postmen / pool cleaners & plumbers
35:Despite living in a large mansion women never have the cash to pay for a pizza
 
#9
My best porn...was kept stashed under my mattress. Until the day i find it in my dads workshop :D
 
#10
the_boy_syrup said:
Things to remember in Porn world

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy in bed.
11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those breasts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your c*** in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses give BJ's thirty seconds after the examination starts.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily hacked off before joining the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c***, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
27. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a penis there.
28. Men don't have to beg.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. All women are completely bald.
31. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then shagged in a moving van.
32. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
33. Any other girl is a MILF
34:All the best jobs are delivery boys / postmen / pool cleaners & plumbers
35:Despite living in a large mansion women never have the cash to pay for a pizza

Are you saying that this list is not true?
 
#13
"I'm here to fix your swimming poll"

"We don't have a swimming pool."

"Ok, lets fcuk!"

Cue ropey 70's guitar solo.
 
#14
the_boy_syrup said:
Things to remember in Porn world

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy in bed.
11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those breasts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your c*** in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses give BJ's thirty seconds after the examination starts.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily hacked off before joining the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c***, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
27. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a penis there.
28. Men don't have to beg.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. All women are completely bald.
31. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then shagged in a moving van.
32. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
33. Any other girl is a MILF
34:All the best jobs are delivery boys / postmen / pool cleaners & plumbers
35:Despite living in a large mansion women never have the cash to pay for a pizza
My bold, you've obviously never watched Milf Hunter or Milf Seeker then :D
 
#15
blackrat_scaleyback said:
joey_deacons_lad said:
The art is alive and well try reading Dashing_Chaps posts
I have but i usually fall asleep half way through.
If that dribble qualifies as p0rn then I shall become celibate
 
#16
I used to know guy who translated for porn mags. He was an ex-male stripper and a bit of a nutter so if you've read any of his work there's bound to be some bizarre comments in there.
 
#17
Things to remember in Porn world

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy in bed.
11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those breasts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your c*** in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses give BJ's thirty seconds after the examination starts.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily hacked off before joining the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c***, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
27. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a penis there.
28. Men don't have to beg.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. All women are completely bald.
31. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then shagged in a moving van.
32. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
33. Any other girl is a MILF
34:All the best jobs are delivery boys / postmen / pool cleaners & plumbers
35:Despite living in a large mansion women never have the cash to pay for a pizza
36: The blokes always have half erect willys
37: It is compulsory for the woman to have a spotty bum
38: Both parties always politely take turns to give oral sex
39: All pre 1980 porn star blokes must sport a droopy tache.
40: Willys must be waved in a hypnotic manner in front of the womans eyes before being shoved in the mouth
 
#19
Nothing funny about porn.
Unless the film is starring a couple of clowns :lol:
 
#20
jarrod248 said:
happybonzo said:
blackrat_scaleyback said:
joey_deacons_lad said:
The art is alive and well try reading Dashing_Chaps posts
I have but i usually fall asleep half way through.
If that dribble qualifies as p0rn then I shall become celibate
Someone is confusing Porn and Fantasy.
There's a difference???
 

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