Poppys Bumper Joke Collection - 1001 funnies

A pub is having a fancy dress night, and outside the bouncer in impressed by the costumes he's seen so far, when up walks a man, totally naked, covered in oil, with a naked girl on his back.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way you're coming in here tonight", says the bouncer.
"Why not?" the man replies.
"Firstly, this is a fancy dress party and you're not wearing a dang thing, and secondly, what the hell's that girl doing on your back?"
"No costume?" replies the man. "I'm a snail, and this," he says pointing to the girl, "is Michelle."
A few for your perusal;

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish.

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.


1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Boona.
10. Kingfisher lager.

1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge ****off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your    country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Flash. Good post mate but you forgot Kylie. Top totty or what?
The Irish SAS recently deployed to Longleat Safari Park where they rescued the ostriches and shot all the gorillas.  Having been tasked to support the US war on terrorism, they visited Battersea Dogs' Home and shot all the Afghans.

It's all true.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter-Pounder with cheese.  ;D
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I
entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by
saying, "T - G - I - F."

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I - F."

I acknowledged her remark once more by answering,
"S - H - I - T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly,
"T - G - I - F" one more time.

Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a
quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."

The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said,
"T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"

I answered back, "S - H - I - T.......
Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
German war communique from Georing to Emperor Hirohito 1941:-

Congratulations on the succesful attack on Pearl Harbour two days ago.

It demonstrated Courage,tenacity and the sheer bravery of the Japanese fighting man.

The planning was meticulous and superbly carried out.

You have our total respect as a nation.

However... May I remind you that in our original communique requesting your assistance the target in question was  POOLE HARBOUR !!!!!
I tried to get in a local club but the bouncer stopped me at the door "no tie, no entry" he growled. There were no shops open at 11.00pm so I nipped to the local garage.

On returning to the club the bouncer says "no tie, no entry" again. "But I have a tie on" I said, pointing to a set of jump leads I have tied round my neck.

Mmmmm ... he pondered scratching his head, then said "ok you can come in but dont start anything"!
I had to report sick last Tuesday. The Medical Officer says "what's the matter then?".

"I have this terrible headache and keep thinking that I am a wigwam and a teepee" I said.

"Ah yes I know the problem" he replied ............... "you're two tents".  
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the bestman) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my f'in fingers!
During my recent pulheems, (yes even 20 year olds need them 8), the doc asked,

"whats the lightest you've ever been"

He was upset, (well pi**ed off, actualy) when i replied "6 pound 8"
David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his  best Armani tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work of being an  over-privileged, tattooed ponce. Catching sight of himself in the mirror,he  thinks "By God, David, you're looking good today." He admires the fine cut of  his track suit,the healthy sheen of his tan and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good too", he notes proudly at the firm swell muscle underneath the Manchester Utd shirt he's wearing. He goes down to the kitchen where "Posh" hands him a Golden,  Diamond Cut bowl of Shreddies.

"You're looking fit this morning, David  dear."
"Too right," says Golden-bollocks. "I feel good as well."
"But you don't smell so good, mind" comments his wife.
The Muppet takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says  worriedly, "I do smell a bit rough."

He finishes his breakfast, jumps into his Ferrari with  leopard skin interior and drives off to Old Trafford to practice breaking his  voice.

He meets poor old Luke Chadwick at the gates.

"Alright David. You're looking good today," says the  extremely ugly one. "Too right, I am," says Golden-bollocks. "But you whiff a bit," says the overrated ugly twat. "Funny that, I don't know what it is but Posh said the same  thing."

"Good morning to you" he grins at Alex Ferguson.
"It's a fine day, David", says The Scottish Drunk, chewing  his gum wildly. "And you're looking really good." "Hey thanks Boss. I look good  and I feel good as well," replies the overpaid tosser. "Oh David!" winces the Scotsman. "You do smell awful, skip  training and go to the quacks"

Worried, Golden Bollocks visits his  doctor.
"Doctor, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great but I  smell awful." The doctor gets out his medical dictionary. "Let's see...looks good...feels great...smells awful. Hmm,  yes, its quite simple, Mr Beckham," says the doctor.....

"You're a cu*t."

Dave & john go to the pub one night, dave asks john to get the first round of the night in.

(johns got a speech & hearing problem)

John goes to the bar and asks the Barman for a pint of
Larger the barman replys
'Yes Lager ' says john.

Then john asks for a 'B...BB..BBBB'

Pint of Bitter the Barman asks him.

'Yes Bitter' replys John.

John notices a flyer on the bar about "LIVE ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" and he asks the Barman what the entertainment is.

The Barman replies "Tonight its Country and Western"

'Gggreeeeat' says john, collects the 2 pints and the Flyer and heads back to dave who has grabbed a table for the night.

He then hands dave the Flyer.

'Whats the Entertainment then John' Dave asks.


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