There is probably already a thread on this but I fear in the length of time it takes me to look for it I will have produced over 26lbs of turd.

I had a bad curry out of the fridge whilst watching the F1 today. Oh the irony that some of it has just left me at similar speeds to the cars I was so happily watching.

Upon exitting my arrse nozzle it has then proceeded to make like a 145mph smash. The devistation of my bog is unreal and I fear tonight is going to be a lonely one spent sitting hugging my Winnie The Pooh pillow on the bog floor and Over dosing on kaolin and morphine.

The most remarkable thing is I don't actually feel unwell yet. I have that nervousness that one gets just before inter company boxing when the other fella is actually a boxer and not like you just someone who is the right weight. I know sooner or later I'm going to be on the floor saying "Kill me now."

Nope I am just currently experiencing the calm before the storm where I can still smell my horrifc farts from earlier and the aroma of my arrse payload drifting down the stairs.

I just thought I would share this with you all. Hopefully one of you will call an ambulance if I don't post tomorrow.


Kit Reviewer
I had one of those Domino's Piri Piri Chicken pizzas on Friday night (and the rest of it for Saturday breakfast) and my guts only recovered this morning. It felt like I was dissolving on in the inside, and on those occasions where it dared let it out I was nearly in tears.

I need to purchase a bidet that jets milk.
Number two wasn't that much better and number three came whilst I was still trying to get the carbon off number two off my muzzle.

I'm already starting to get that slightly raw feeling when cleaning off the evidence that one might associate with using scotch brite to wipe ones hoop.

I've dipped into the old Charmin Ultra ammo bag and pulled out a few fresh mags. I also have the Wet Ones on stand by too and the imodium QRF has also been deployed. Lets hope I can hold out for the night without having to resort to kitchen roll just as my arrse gets really tender.
Ate some dodgy mushrooms and spent a couple of days crouched on the bog firing bits of stomach lining into the sewer system while simultaneously spewing my guts into the wash basin in front of me. The only respite was when I curled up on the floor next to the bog for a rest and to hallucinate for a few minutes before the next round kicked off.

Solved the tender hoop thing by hanging my arrse over the bath and hosing off my hoop with the shower head between rounds.
Agree with previous poster on hoop cleaning. At that stage any wiping will cause further discomfort. Just have a shower, or better still squat over the plughole of the bath with the showerhead aimed at your abused starfish - that way you can shyte and clean at the same time! Just watch the extra large lumps of sweetcorn, you may have to pick them out of the plughole later.
crabby said:
Just watch the extra large lumps of sweetcorn, you may have to pick them out of the plughole later.

I find a cocktail stick is the best tool for the job ... and as an added bonus you get a handy plateful of satayed sweetcorn apperitiff for the next dinner party. :D

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