Police to quiz 'fake' captain

#1
Obviously not one for aspiring to much, who'd want to be a navy walt?

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POLICE are investigating claims a well-known businessman has been falsely parading as a decorated Royal Navy captain.

Stuart Elliott claims to have been an officer in the Falklands conflict – even though the Royal Navy has no record of him.

The unauthorised wearing of a uniform is a criminal offence under the Uniforms Act 1894 and Humberside Police have now confirmed they have launched an investigation.

If found guilty, married dad-of-three Mr Elliott faces a fine or could even be jailed.
Police to quiz 'fake' captain Stuart Elliott | This is Hull and East Riding
 
#5
He looks familiar, I damn sure I've seen/met him but can't place where. Oh the joys of senescence.
 
#7
Wasn't it Doctor Johnson who said something along the lines of "every man thinks meanly of himself for not having been a soldier or gone to sea"?
 
#10
I love this.....Bob Reeves, honorary secretary of the Hull branch of the Royal Naval Association, said " ......“What really sticks in my throat is that he won two of our prizes – including a meal for four in a top restaurant.”

There is a man with a grip on the important things in life. The walting clown bit is very much secondary to being that awful beast - a bean stealer !
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
#13
"From the moment he fought like a tiger for his iPod we knew he was a wrong 'un."

This walt-hunting stuff is getting a bit tedious.
 
#15
I love this.....Bob Reeves, honorary secretary of the Hull branch of the Royal Naval Association, said " ......“What really sticks in my throat is that he won two of our prizes – including a meal for four in a top restaurant.”

There is a man with a grip on the important things in life. The walting clown bit is very much secondary to being that awful beast - a bean stealer !
You just don't get it do you? This is Yorkshire, people would walk twenty miles for a free meal for four in a top restaurant. There will be people genuinely outraged that he won two prizes in a a raffle in which he bought tickets and that was open to anyone.
 
#16
In fact, sod that. There are so many boat houses in that area that he could say any colour and get it right.

Subject him to:-

MARINER'S MINI FLEET BOARD EXAM

1 SHIP HANDLING
You are officer of the watch on a ship at sea at night. Complete the following by inserting the missing letters

If you see three lights ahead, turn to st_rboard, show your red.

If you see three lights in front, full ahead and ram the c_nt.


2 NAVAL LAW

Name two of the three offences for which the Naval Discipline Act allowed capital punishment prior to 1998.

As you are old enough to have attended the "Prosecution of Unnatural Offences" course, explain the meaning of the phrase "vile abomination, contrary to the laws of man and God".

One of your junior rates has all his fingers blown off on the firing range when the knackered, WWII vintage Browning pistol you issued him explodes in his hands. How many years in prison will he receive for subsequently calling you a "useless, incompetent bastard"?


3 NAVAL TECHNOLOGY

What is the power output of the reactor in the average submarine?

What is the major cause of submarine toilets being blocked?

What is the hit to miss ratio of the Tigerfish torpedo, excluding incidents where it turned around and attacked the submarine that had fired it?


3 TERMINOLOGY

When needing to "crimp one off", would you go to the "heads", the "tails" or the "Joss Man's steaming boots".

Would you rather be a "mess rabbit" or a "brown hatter".
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
#17
You just don't get it do you? This is Yorkshire, people would walk twenty miles for a free meal for four in a top restaurant. There will be people genuinely outraged that he won two prizes in a a raffle in which he bought tickets and that was open to anyone.
Top four restaurant in Yorkshire - which soup kitchen are we talking about?
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
#19
In fact, sod that. There are so many boat houses in that area that he could say any colour and get it right.

Subject him to:-

MARINER'S MINI FLEET BOARD EXAM



1 SHIP HANDLING
You are officer of the watch on a ship at sea at night. Complete the following by inserting the missing letters

If you see three lights ahead, turn to st_rboard, show your red.

If you see three lights in front, full ahead and ram the c_nt.


2 NAVAL LAW

Name two of the three offences for which the Naval Discipline Act allowed capital punishment prior to 1998.

As you are old enough to have attended the "Prosecution of Unnatural Offences" course, explain the meaning of the phrase "vile abomination, contrary to the laws of man and God".

One of your junior rates has all his fingers blown off on the firing range when the knackered, WWII vintage Browning pistol you issued him explodes in his hands. How many years in prison will he receive for subsequently calling you a "useless, incompetent bastard"?


3 NAVAL TECHNOLOGY

What is the power output of the reactor in the average submarine?

What is the major cause of submarine toilets being blocked?

What is the hit to miss ratio of the Tigerfish torpedo, excluding incidents where it turned around and attacked the submarine that had fired it?


3 TERMINOLOGY

When needing to "crimp one off", would you go to the "heads", the "tails" or the "Joss Man's steaming boots".

Would you rather be a "mess rabbit" or a "brown hatter".
Pick me, pick me. I'll have a go.

1. Do what's required by international maritime law. Clearly the presence of this question means there's some doubt as to what this means by Dartmouth's finest, presumably they are too busy 'crimping one off'.

2. The fact that the Navy ever considered the "Prosecution of Unnatural Offences" let alone had chapter and verse for doing so tells you all you need to know about the Senior Service. The follow up scenario posits offensive action by the RN using a close quarter weapon - the reason for living on fantasy island is not given.

3. The most probable reason for a blocked toilet is a dead officer shot by a rating whose Tigerfish has gone astray for the umpteenth time and who is possibly considering an unnatural offence whilst mis-positioning his identification lights. As to the specific ratio, I can't hazard a guess but it must get you down after a while if you're going to start shooting your officers.

3. It should be four - God knows why three gets repeated, but it's lucky that a basic grasp of numeracy is not required by our nautical brethren in order to defend our country. This is clearly a turd question but it is not clear why it should matter to a fighting force. If, however, you're floating about the place to no good purpose I could see why it might divert (and lend itself to a bit of 2).

Funny chaps the Navy. I couldn't walt it as a senior officer there though, my common sense would give me away.
 

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