Poet Laure-arrse

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Feb 26, 2009.

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  1. I believe that the time has come to appoint a poet laureate for the Army Rumour Service, a sort of Poet Laure-arrse if you like. The Laure-arrse would produce verse on special occasions, to commemorate the site's birthday for example or anniversaries. They could also celebrate, as I did for example with my poem "England's Bigot", events in the outside world like the sad loss of Jade Goody...

    I of course would love to be considered as a candidate, a fact I have made clear in the preamble to my latest offering A Pervert's Love Song.

    However unlike some, I do not feel that unilaterally appointing myself as Laure-arrse is appropriate. So I call on other poetic souls to come here and duke it out with me for the position of Arrse Poet Laureate.

    I suggest that candidates who wish to be considered for election should offer pieces of their work and the Arrse population can elect by acclamation. Perhaps a poem about how good Arrse is would be a suitable test-piece?
  2. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I have, on a few occasions, contributed a few poems. Sadly the thread has now been deleted, but I will have a think.
  3. I come hot foot from the Wendy Richards RIP thread (Stand easy ma'am, loosen bra straps at last) with these words on her passing...

    Are you free Miss Brahms?
    What's that you're dead?
    A curious thought goes round my head...
    In every role you flashed your tits
    As posh girl, "bosoms"
    Cockney "threepenny bits".
    Cancerous alas you pass and fade
    Not like that noisy besom Jade.
    In Albert Square
    They are in a quandary
    Who now? Pray who?
    Will do their laundry?
  4. terroratthepicnic

    terroratthepicnic LE Reviewer Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Runners

    I was going to go for Poet Laure-Arrse
    But due to me being crap, I'll pass
    So the job is best going to Cuddles
    Because his words he never muddles
    And I will end this so it rhymes, puddles.
  5. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Pauline Fowler
    How big was your growler?
    With a mass of hair
    Or did you keep it bare?
    I would have had a go
    But now I’ll never know
    I would lick your chuff, I’m not choosy
    But now that would look like a snuff movie!
  6. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    So it's to be a shoot-out now,
    For the title of Poet Loure-ARRSE
    A wordist to make us scrape and bow
    as he regales with Army tales of farce!

    I'm pleased to say I'm no contender
    for Laure-ARRSE recital bard;
    it's surely a role for our site bender
    pontificating in a leotard!

  7. There once was a man from brazil
    Who ate a gunpowder pill
    When he retired his bum back fired
    And his knob shot over the hill

    ...what do you mean 'fcuk off you'll never be poet Laure-Arrse'?
  8. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Gone but not forgotten
    Very soon you will be rotten
    I'll give you one cos your still warm
    I'll do it now cos you will cold by dawn

    Lying still on your death bed
    I could get some posthumous head
    You wouldn't flinch, you wouldn't laugh
    When I do you up the arrse
  9. There was a fat man called Karl Deine,
    Who huffed as he laboured in vain,
    The walt is now cracking,
    Now the green lid is lacking,
    And he should sever his own shaft in shame !

  10. Limericks are not poetry, they are rhymes!
  11. What, and your stuff is poetry?????
  12. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    A very poor effort of mine (and not aimed at anyone in particular)

    To Dashing Chap

    You think you’re humorous, dapper and droll
    And are compelled to post on every thread
    In fact you’re just a common troll
    And now the thread is forlorn and dead

    Forlorn and still the thread is no more
    A glance at your avatar is a blow to the head
    I wish you’d be shown the NAAFI door
    And alas and alack, the thread is dead

    Etc, etc
  13. terroratthepicnic

    terroratthepicnic LE Reviewer Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Runners

    News to me, I always thought a limerick was a 5 line poem that is usually witty and/or funny (excluding mine of cause).
  14. Nothing like some shameless self publicity Cuddles

    Next you will be trying for MOD status
  15. To commemorate the passing of Mr P.Head.

    Our own Mr P.H is now dead,
    All thanks to some Hasbro d1ckhead.
    So if you need to buy any toys,
    for your little girls and boys,
    Fcuk off to Mattel instead.