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Poet Laure-arrse

#1
I believe that the time has come to appoint a poet laureate for the Army Rumour Service, a sort of Poet Laure-arrse if you like. The Laure-arrse would produce verse on special occasions, to commemorate the site's birthday for example or anniversaries. They could also celebrate, as I did for example with my poem "England's Bigot", events in the outside world like the sad loss of Jade Goody...

I of course would love to be considered as a candidate, a fact I have made clear in the preamble to my latest offering A Pervert's Love Song.

A Pervert's Love Song
Miss Trimble of Corpus, Miss Trimble of Corpus
You provoke an erection the size of a porpoise
You come on the TV, I must masturbate
Just like clockwork, Beeb 2, at eight

Miss Trimble of Christi, Miss Trimble of Christi
Your beauty inspires one off the wristy
You started at eight went on 'til eight thirty
I've ragged my old chap until he is hurty

You received your prize from Miss Wendy Cope
Yet all I could think of was having a grope.
I sat by the TV until you had won
Then shot all my spaff on that knob Paxman.
However unlike some, I do not feel that unilaterally appointing myself as Laure-arrse is appropriate. So I call on other poetic souls to come here and duke it out with me for the position of Arrse Poet Laureate.

I suggest that candidates who wish to be considered for election should offer pieces of their work and the Arrse population can elect by acclamation. Perhaps a poem about how good Arrse is would be a suitable test-piece?
 
#3
I come hot foot from the Wendy Richards RIP thread (Stand easy ma'am, loosen bra straps at last) with these words on her passing...

Are you free Miss Brahms?
What's that you're dead?
A curious thought goes round my head...
In every role you flashed your tits
As posh girl, "bosoms"
Cockney "threepenny bits".
Cancerous alas you pass and fade
Not like that noisy besom Jade.
In Albert Square
They are in a quandary
Who now? Pray who?
Will do their laundry?
 

terroratthepicnic

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#4
I was going to go for Poet Laure-Arrse
But due to me being crap, I'll pass
So the job is best going to Cuddles
Because his words he never muddles
And I will end this so it rhymes, puddles.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#5
Pauline Fowler
How big was your growler?
With a mass of hair
Or did you keep it bare?
I would have had a go
But now I’ll never know
I would lick your chuff, I’m not choosy
But now that would look like a snuff movie!
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#6
So it's to be a shoot-out now,
For the title of Poet Loure-ARRSE
A wordist to make us scrape and bow
as he regales with Army tales of farce!

I'm pleased to say I'm no contender
for Laure-ARRSE recital bard;
it's surely a role for our site bender
pontificating in a leotard!

 
#7
There once was a man from brazil
Who ate a gunpowder pill
When he retired his bum back fired
And his knob shot over the hill

...what do you mean 'fcuk off you'll never be poet Laure-Arrse'?
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#8
Gone but not forgotten
Very soon you will be rotten
I'll give you one cos your still warm
I'll do it now cos you will cold by dawn

Lying still on your death bed
I could get some posthumous head
You wouldn't flinch, you wouldn't laugh
When I do you up the arrse
 
#9
There was a fat man called Karl Deine,
Who huffed as he laboured in vain,
The walt is now cracking,
Now the green lid is lacking,
And he should sever his own shaft in shame !

:D
 

Sixty

ADC
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#12
A very poor effort of mine (and not aimed at anyone in particular)


To Dashing Chap


You think you’re humorous, dapper and droll
And are compelled to post on every thread
In fact you’re just a common troll
And now the thread is forlorn and dead

Forlorn and still the thread is no more
A glance at your avatar is a blow to the head
I wish you’d be shown the NAAFI door
And alas and alack, the thread is dead


Etc, etc
 
#14
Cuddles said:
I of course would love to be considered as a candidate, a fact I have made clear in the preamble to my latest offering A Pervert's Love Song.
Nothing like some shameless self publicity Cuddles

Next you will be trying for MOD status
 
#15
To commemorate the passing of Mr P.Head.



Our own Mr P.H is now dead,
All thanks to some Hasbro d1ckhead.
So if you need to buy any toys,
for your little girls and boys,
Fcuk off to Mattel instead.
 
#16
B_AND_T said:
Gone but not forgotten
Very soon you will be rotten
I'll give you one cos your still warm
I'll do it now cos you will cold by dawn

Lying still on your death bed
I could get some posthumous head
You wouldn't flinch, you wouldn't laugh
When I do you up the arrse
Wordsworth is born again.
 
#17
B_AND_T said:
Gone but not forgotten
Very soon you will be rotten
I'll give you one cos your still warm
I'll do it now cos you will cold by dawn

Lying still on your death bed
I could get some posthumous head
You wouldn't flinch, you wouldn't laugh
When I do you up the arrse
Stop searching.We have a winner!
 
#18
Sat at the computer
With a nice hot brew
Logged onto arrse
And read it right way through

Always good for a laugh
Are posters old and new
Some are really interesting
And some do steal 02

Flashy is a mong magnet
MDN likes kinky stuff
The CO's are the masters
And they dont take no guff

A real mixed bag is arrse
Posters tapping away
Rows and giggles galore
It really brightens up the day.
 
#19
B_AND_T said:
Gone but not forgotten
Very soon you will be rotten
I'll give you one cos your still warm
I'll do it now cos you will cold by dawn

Lying still on your death bed
I could get some posthumous head
You wouldn't flinch, you wouldn't laugh
When I do you up the arrse

Written for this bloke.
 

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