Please shoot me, Im a c*ck.

#1
Yesterday I helped deliver a canal boat from Teddington to Staines, and sadly, I must confess to using the following terms during the Stella-fuelled voyage... :oops:

1. Hands out of the rig of the day clear off the upper deck.

2. That's Cambodia up there, captain.

3. Machinery breakdown! machinery breakdown!

4. Arc light ( when a 737 out of Heathrow passed overhead, oh dear... :roll: )

5. The leaving harbour brief will be in five minutes time.

6. Charlie don't surf. :oops: :oops:

7. Lance! get back in the boat, goddamit..

I kept this up until Chertsey, where my crew-mates threatened to wedge my head in the lock gates and ram a fending-off pole up my arrse if I didn't shut the f*ck up...

Has anybody else on here used Jack/Squaddy terminology in an utterly inappropriate context, in a manner almost designed to make friends and family want to batter your skull in with a ball-peen hammer? :D
 
#3
So long as you enjoyed yourself, Berni! :D

The only thing that was ever said when it was my turn to 'drive' on a canal-boat holiday in my teens was "Collision imminent: Brace yourselves!" :oops: :lol:
 
#4
DozyBint said:
So long as you enjoyed yourself, Berni! :D

The only thing that was ever said when it was my turn to 'drive' on a canal-boat holiday in my teens was "Collision imminent: Brace yourselves!" :oops: :lol:
I think you will find that will be:

"Hands to emergency stations!, close all red doors and openings",

*Chortle* I have got a thousand of them... :D
 
#5
Double_Duck said:
"Bonjour Mateloe".. :D
Cheers Double D, and I think the next line to your signature is "Grey skies from blue?". :wink:
 
#7
bernoulli said:
I kept this up until Chertsey, where my crew-mates threatened to wedge my head in the lock gates and ram a fending-off pole up my arrse if I didn't shut the f*ck up...
Being from the Senior Service, I take it you carried on talking then? Quite a treat for you I imagine... :D :wink:
 
#8
Didn't you say "toobs three and six fired electrically sir!" in a spam accent? Or "we've released the boo-ey?"

I'm disappointed. Or, "It's this damn, damn war, Number One!"

I can just see you in a duffle coat and nursing a tin mug of tea on the bridge.

I live near the river in SW London, give us a ring next time so I can pepper your craft with .22 air rifle fire from my garden for that authentic "Paint it Black" fast boat vibe.

V!
 
#9
Has anybody else on here used Jack/Squaddy terminology in an utterly inappropriate context, in a manner almost designed to make friends and family want to batter your skull in with a ball-peen hammer?
We've an ex-squaddie who thinks it's utterly hilarious to say "ease springs!" every time somebody at work farts. Cnut.

V!
 
#10
tubbyboy said:
bernoulli said:
I kept this up until Chertsey, where my crew-mates threatened to wedge my head in the lock gates and ram a fending-off pole up my arrse if I didn't shut the f*ck up...
Being from the Senior Service, I take it you carried on talking then? Quite a treat for you I imagine... :D :wink:
Tubs, don't knock a splintered length of 2x2 up your hoop until you've tried it..............
 
#11
Vegetius said:
Didn't you say "toobs three and six fired electrically sir!" in a spam accent? Or "we've released the boo-ey?"

I'm disappointed. Or, "It's this damn, damn war, Number One!"

I can just see you in a duffle coat and nursing a tin mug of tea on the bridge.

I live near the river in SW London, give us a ring next time so I can pepper your craft with .22 air rifle fire from my garden for that authentic "Paint it Black" fast boat vibe.

V!
F8ck you Veg, I have figured out a way to mount a 30mm on the focs'l of the canal boat, so bring it on, rough rider.... :D
 
#13
Vegetius said:
I have figured out a way to mount a 30mm on the focs'l of the canal boat
But when you let rip you'll knock off all the assorted plant pots, garden furniture and scare the cat. Hooligan.

V!
Veg, I am quite happy to sacrifice the faux-pikey upper deck acoutriments in order to teach you some humility... :wink:
 
#14
bernoulli said:
Vegetius said:
I have figured out a way to mount a 30mm on the focs'l of the canal boat
But when you let rip you'll knock off all the assorted plant pots, garden furniture and scare the cat. Hooligan.

V!
Veg, I am quite happy to sacrifice the faux-pikey upper deck acoutriments in order to teach you some humility... :wink:
What, even those canal boat frequenting fcukers Rosie and Jim??????
 

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