Platoon/Troop Stereotypes.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by The13thDukeOfWybourne, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. Following on from the excellent 'Course Stereotpyes' thread - Platoon/Troop stereotypes. You know the type ... everyone's got some.

    1) Welfare Man. Normally a pad but not always his fault. Married to an ex-prossie crack head, with eleventeen kids from different dads, he got loved up with during training. She's bled him dry and is slowly ruining his career for him. Has never deployed on Ops/Exercise/Troop piss ups due to missus giving him grief.

    2) 22 Year Man. Rapidly approaching his 22 year point and only has a few months to push ... and likes to let everyone know it. Seems to have been on resettlement for absolute eons. Won't get an ounce of work out of him let alone turn up for a PT session. Usually a full screw and will regale you will stories of how he went through training with the RSM or QM. Tells everyone that VEng is shit ... but was secretly never offered it.

    3) Deluded Signed Off Man. Thinks everything is shit. Usually still quite young, he thinks he's going to get a job being the manager for his uncles firm earning 80 grand a year when he gets out. Arrse starts to nip up when his time approaches ... tries to sign back on when he realises he'll have to work for living in civvy strasse.

    4) Troop/Platoon Ballbag. Knows the AGIA 67 system inside out and can be found on the brass line outside the guardroom most nights. Any sign of trouble and his name is always the first you hear. Would be late for his own funeral and would still look scruffy on a x-ray.
  2. The Gentleman Ranker: After failing RCB/AOSB, he couldn't bear not to be in the Army and joined as a ranker. Technically not bad but it turns out the reasons the officer class rejected him were less about his income and polo goals standing and more about his charisma by-pass. Always first to sign up for battlefield tours. Can't play team sport but runs a lot; mainly to sublimate his unsatiated sexual angst. Is always being put forward for an "up and out" course but not selected due to the COs horror about the consequences were he promoted, appointed and then the cack found it's way back to the battalion. Will end up as a UAO in the AAC. Someone has to.
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  3. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    The In-My-Day Sgt,
    Passed over for promotion a couple of times,usually found in the corner of the mess bar nursing a single whisky for a few hours,regalling everyone in earshot of how things were better in his/her day,the young pup's today have it too easy & the officers today dont know shit.
    Before he/she retires to his bunk in the mess,downing a bottle of cheap vodka all the while looking at the picture of his/her ex who's now shacked up with a squaddie half their age.
  4. The Lazy Ghanaian:
    Joins the army aged 30 expecting to be promoted 5 minutes after leaving training. When it dawns on him that this isn't on the cards goes out of his way to do the absolute minimum amount of work in the most inefficient fashion. Sees no good reason to listen to anyone who is not married, has less children, is younger, is female or owns less goats than him and will ignore them even though they outrank him. Pushes his luck until somebody snaps and batters him, then rings civvy plod from the exercise area to complain that he has been assaulted because he is black. Acts the cunt until he gets put on a 3 month bender then begrudgingly tows the line but ensures to do no more than the bare minimum. A month before SJAR time is overheard telling fellow sprogs that he will be getting promoted, gets shit SJAR and reverts to previous behaviour.
  5. The money admin vortex, Not confined to any age bracket but has an addiction to the bright lights of the fruit machine in the Naffi and moans like fuck if you go on it whilst he's gone for a leak even more so if you drop the jackpot of £150 that the mug has spent £300 trying to win also normally up to his/hers eyeballs in debt and has to be paid £25 per week by the UAO as they end up sorting their debt out for him. Only to find that they pay the £25 straight back out to debtors they have subbed a fiver off the previous week then 1 hr later ask for it back. Most of the debt is store cards and maxed out at the weekend selling pairs of 501's worth £50 so they can go on the lash. Also found submitting DRSA claims every week to get by.

    Not me but known to me eh wee Stevie/Woody/Frank etc
  6. The Trg Regt Warrior/Gladiator:

    A promising start for this common Tp/Sqn/Regt personality in his early career in that he could run fast, shout loud and always looked immaculate in his uniform.

    Unfortunately these admirable traits have covered up his room temperature IQ, ineptitude in the field and breathtaking arrogance and overconfidence in his own very limited abilities.

    An initial posting as a A/Cpl to Trg Regt limited his man management skills to pointing and shouting at sprogs safe in the knowledge that there would be no questioning as to his logic no matter how barking. This further reinforces his self confidence in own ability and arrogance.

    A brief posting back to his Bn/Regt as a Full Screw results in his immediate request to return to Trg Regts as his section are answering back, he is vastly out of his depth and it’s a lot harder in the real world. His management are glad to ensure this happens as he is a liability.

    Back in Trg Regt the running fast, shouting loud and immaculate turnout ensure rapid promotion to SNCO.

    His second return to his Bn/Regt as a SNCO is even briefer, as before out of his depth and incompetent the management are happy to be shot of him, likewise the troops.

    Back in Trg Regt, the cycle again continues, albeit with even grander pretensions and dreams of glory whilst his assault on the career ladder continues through sparkling SJAR's earned from leading Sprogs on 48 hour exercises in the field from the back of a 4 tonner.

    Eventually he returns to the Bn/Regt as a SSM/RSM, displaying on parades/mess dress the classic "Peace Chest" of 1 x 28 day Balkans Tour Medal (where his biggest risk was being buried in a shallow grave by his subordinates, before being sent back for rear party/sport/domestic issues), the Golden Jubilee Gizzit and the LS&GC

    As the SSM/RSM, his man management skills amazingly take a further nose dive in his grandiose self importance and morale plummets. The mad ideas of COs' and OCs' are agreed with and added to instead of acting as the interface between the Troops and the Blue Bloods in order to filter out a lot of the madness. His LE commission is now firmly fixed in his sights and his only concern is that next CR.
  7. Spr 145 - We must have been in the same units at some time!
  8. You forgot to mention that in Germany they were the only people cheaper than NATO Cars if you wanted a brand new Golf. Which they had bought from NATO Cars...
  9. Ok, not specifically in the troop, but one of the mongs us Officers have to put up with...

    The Chip on the shoulder Officer:

    Usually came from a rough end of town and likes to remind everyone of it at every oppurtunity. Belives as they are a wide boy East-Londoner that they can try to bully the public school boys into doing what they want, but soon get fobbed off. Most likely to be found as an MSO in the RAMC. Pretends to have moral standards higher than that of everyone else (which he learned from 'the street') but in actual fact is most likely to end up starting a fight. Is avoided by everyone in the mess as having a psychological disorder.
  10. The RAF Warrant Officer-short fat and pompous. Used as an Admin WO by the OC and carries out his tasks with a pettifogging arrogance. Leaves notes on the Sqn noticeboard 'Capt Jones to see WO Snooks NOW'. Takes the nominal role at PT and then tries to bollock the Troop OC who has been bedded down for flu for not attending. Doesn't actually do PT himself due to an unspecified injury but goes and peddles the bike on its lowest resitance until the PT squad has run out of sight. Is the Regimental H4H rep and wears the little medal badge on every item of uniform only removing for a few days each month once the Adjutant/RSM tells him to. Gets the hump if any other charity gets a look in from a fundraising activity. Utterly devoid of any saving grace and finally gets dumped on when it is revealed that he is only acting and is really a passed over Flight Sergeant.
  11. Often started his carreer as a soldier in the REME and commissioned into one of the less fashionable infantry regiments. Enjoys baiting the LEs about the Sgts Mess until it is pointed out to him that he wouldn't know as he'd never actually made it that far-gets punchy and is promptly put on his arse by just about everyone-maons to the Adjutant and is told to fock off and grow up.
  12. The Cav Officer. (Troop leader type)

    In general very amiable, public school types.

    Have a really hard time trying to be authoritative though:

    'Right guys, now listen in. I'm facking fuming. I don't know what the facking hell has gone on here but let me tell you, it facking stops now'.....cue bewilderment amongst troop.

    'That was facking shit, no effort has gone into that whatsoever, not good enough...well done'

    The Cav Officer (Sqn Ldr type)

    During Sqn training on a 1x1" mile training area.

    'Ok chaps, the aim of todays mission is to get in nice and close to the enemy and give him a bladdy nose'

    '32, you're a bit sharp there, jockey back, you're too far forward'

    '32, er...roger'

    'No, 32, come on, get into line! You're arse up to the world....jockey back'

    '32, er,....roger...look left'

    'Ah, roger...........30, get back into line you're too far forward'
  13. Selection Man: Cultivates the aura of one who sees his future inextricably entwined with THEM without ever acting upon it. Regards any and every pl training activity with disdain and takes part with a 'you do realise that I'm doing you a big favour by being here' attitude. Keeps himself to himself (mainly because none of the other blokes will give him the time of day) and is generally found to be wank-to-average at most things. A series of mysterious injuries prevent actual application for selection. Eventually filled in by an NCO. Cross-posted shortly afterwards. Rinse and repeat at new pl.
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  14. I think that describes just about all of the RD types within the R Signals.........................
  15. Morbidly Obese Dagger-man - Joined up and passed AACC within his first year, made Sgt within seven and is destined for higher things until he developes BFSD (Big Fat SNCO Disease) Posted out from Log Sqn to a sucession of mediocre postings, but forever telling anyone within 5 miles that he's back down the Sqn soon as 'They want me'. Not downgraded but it's still a mystery how he isn't due to not being able to pass any fitness tests. Happens to be the OC/CO's blue eyed-boy, as said OC/CO is also a Dagger-man. Caught wearing Green Lid with own badge on several occasions off camp on courses.

    Walk-on-Water LCpl - Young Lance-jack who cannot do anything wrong and is annoyingly good at everything. Top recruit, Sub-8 min BFT and is Admin-extraordinaire in the field. Always immaculate and answers all the relevant questions his Cpl/Sgt/SSM cannot answer from the Toms. Has everyone's respect except the knacker Full-screws who dispise his ease at completing tasks and secretly wish to fuck his career as he's the biggest threat to them since the Taliban bought the 'How-to-make-bombs' book from Amazon. Eye-wateringly handsome and on Tp/Pl piss-up's out is dripping with birds and has the natural charisma that even the OC wants to invite him around for dinner and let him shag his daughter. Will eventually be the RSM as it's his destiny and nothing short of being found hanging out of the back of a 7yr old boy in the middle of the drill square whilst doing simultaneously doing a line of Charlie off his back, will stop that. Is eventually posted out (Coincidentally following his OC/CO) to his next promotion to a huge sigh of relief from every knacker Cpl in the Regt/Bn.