from email, apologies if posted before

Military Plans

Every branch of the armed services reacts differently a set of given circumstances. At last, extensive research now shows what these rections are.....



Can't read plan, but takes it very seriously nevertheless. Fablons plan, and issues it on orange card to every man, with Sgts carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar platoon make their own plan, which is heavier, and issue 2 to everyone else in Battalion.

Para Regt
Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation that appears while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries. Realise they have left ammo behind, in Colchester.

Looks at plan but sees arrows, and realises that plan involves degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to manoeuvre. Opts to drive off at speed until tracks shed, and then have impromptu Pimms party. Ad hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimms fitters. Applies to join AAC as Apache pilot.

RM Commandos
Pretend to be very laid back about plan, and talks about drinking, being naked and drinking while naked instead. Secretly gets very competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach and copious wets.

Combat Engineers
Likes plans. Takes plan, and adds whole new bits, with diagrams which nobody else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has a huff and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engrs to keep up with pace of everyone else's thinking.

Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans with numbers, timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and Last Safe Moments. Everyone recognises last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan, all guns keep firing until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have Artillery support feel safe
enough to get on with battle and win. Remainder hide under map table until firing ceases, then call for ambulances. After firing, Gunner officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in direction of enemy. Random shots rearwards are put down as encouragement to Logs chain to bring up more ammo.

Air Defence Artillery
Looks through plan repeatedly for some indication that other side has any aircraft for a change. Failing to find any once again, battery commander sends entire battery off in four-man teams to recce every remote hilltop in a 100 km radius for use as a possible firing location for Javelin, while he fills out forms for his exchange posting with American Patriot unit. Most teams choose to recce the local pubs instead, winning several darts trophies. Battery announces recce phase complete shortly after war has ended, then, to celebrate another successful operation, splits up to hit local pubs

Special Forces
Writes plan in pencil on back of Max Factor 'Make-up For Boys' compact. Checks for tan lines, and makes sure nobody else has a clue what plan is. Ensures plan is different from the one everyone else is working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow-on novel on exit from Service. Places tape over eyes, can't see plan anymore, and gets captured by local civilians.

Happy to see plan, but disturbed by lack of attention to detail to Health and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions if you get plan in your eye.

Royal Logistics Corps
On encountering plan, immediately looks for Annex on sustainability. If one is present, immediately guffaws at lack of detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to avoid having to write one. Declares plan dependent on 'key enablers' (posties, chefs, clerks, small round blokes with clipboards) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan. Goes off for 2-hr lunch.

Royal Signals
Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay strangely silent during any meaningful discussion. If questioned, J6 rep sucks teeth and says "Bandwidth" before sinking back into silence. Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weedkiller can halt J6 spread but J6 mutates into J6/DBM and grows faster. Plan stays silent and prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter investigation.

Army Medical Services
Doesn't like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem out.

Intelligence Corps
Looks closely at plan, and assesses it's relevance to resurgent Russia coupled with Syrian rearmament. While studying, allied forces take Baghdad. Devote time studying old War Office files from the British invasion of Iraq during WWII and tries predict when next invasion of Iraq will be required. Meanwhile, a North Korean ship crawls slowly up the Thames.....

Territorial Army
TA declare parlous state of Regular Army means they are more important to plan than ever. Army agrees, cuts them by 30%, spends money on operational welfare package telephones and cannibalises their kit to get ready for operations.

Royal Air Force
Copies plan onto leg, gets in aircraft, takes off then finds leg can't be seen because of joystick. Decides to use initiative and at 20000ft, starts looking for enemy tanks. Succeeds in finding tank looking remarkably like an Embassy and misses it. Relieved as pilot in following aircraft, who CAN see leg, gets Embassy while aiming for nearby Air Defence site. Both fly back and complain about noisy air con in hotel room.

Royal Navy
Only Captain grown-up enough to know plan. Everyone else sits at brightly coloured screen pretending to know what plan is. Captain goes to bed and First Officer, not knowing plan is "Not to sail on to rocks", sails on to rocks. New plan devised called 'How to sell ship with no bottom to Third World navy'.

Joint Helicopter Command
Draw up plan to get 360 helos into air with 400 flying hours. Each time plan close to approval, another helo crashes. Come up with plan to prevent helos crashing but plan and author tragically lost in helo crash.

Defence Logistics Organisation
Looks at potential for plan to offer 3% efficiency measures. Finds none, but cuts by 3% anyway. Concludes that most sensible plan involves not buying anything, listing this course of action as 'bearing risk' and then investing in Risk Management Courses. War declared, and funds rapidly diverted into courses on Red Face Management.

Whitehall Warrior
Only interested in plan if it is 'strategic'. Declares strategic plan is most important but can't be bothered to get off arrse and write one. Everyone else starts to plan while waiting and by time strategic plan eventually gets written, everyone has decided what they are going to do already. Whitehall Warrior then stresses need for strategic plan in next DOC audit and goes for coffee in Starbucks.
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