My home: violated My family: terrorised My property: stolen The b@stard even sh@t on my kitchen floor. THEN HE CAME BACK FOR A SECOND VISIT ON THE FOLLOWING NIGHT! The police will do nothing - no doubt because I'm not a gay, Islamic fundamentalist, transvestite lesbian-trapped-in-a-mans-body. Even the Daily Mail won't publish my story. In the best traditions of Charles Bronson in "Death Wish", Sean Bean in "Outlaw" and Captain Mainwaring in "Dads Army", the time has come to take matters into my own hands. My tormentor must be eliminated and I need to find the best way to 'take him out'. Having only experienced combat from the detached sterility of a ship's operations room, (and then only with an off-watch matelot who wandered in pi$$ed from a run ashore and threw up on the radar), I need advice on doing it 'up close and personal'. It all started last weekend. The Mariner's prostate is no longer seaworthy and I found myself at the bathroom door in the small hours of the morning, as I often do. On switching on the light, I was immediately aware of the intruder. I don't know who was more surprised - him or me. I recoiled in a mixture of shock and fear, knocking the medicine cabinet from its mountings. The bathroom instantly degenerated into a hellish maelstrom of Viagra, Preparation-H and denture fixative. The intruder promptly legged it. In fact, all four of his legs were going like the clappers as his furry arrse disappeared behind the laundry basket. What I initially feared was the biggest, hairiest, most legless spider in Christendom proved to be a mouse! Next door's cat is as much use as incontinence pads in a jacuzzi. A diet of tinned, free range, dolphin friendly, fair trade cat food has put him firmly in touch with his feminine side. I've tried 'catch and release' mouse traps baited with chocolate. All to no avail. My question - what's next? Will spring traps work better than catch and release? Can anybody lend me a well 'ard, psycho, serial killer cat - a feline Harold Shipman? What about poison? Will I regret using it as my neighbour's pets die off one by one? Will I have to lift every floorboard in the house as the smell of slain and decomposing rodents becomes unbearable in the summer heat? Fellow arrsers - help me.