Planning to kill - advice needed

#1
My home: violated

My family: terrorised

My property: stolen

The b@stard even sh@t on my kitchen floor.

THEN HE CAME BACK FOR A SECOND VISIT ON THE FOLLOWING NIGHT!

The police will do nothing - no doubt because I'm not a gay, Islamic fundamentalist, transvestite lesbian-trapped-in-a-mans-body.

Even the Daily Mail won't publish my story.

In the best traditions of Charles Bronson in "Death Wish", Sean Bean in "Outlaw" and Captain Mainwaring in "Dads Army", the time has come to take matters into my own hands. My tormentor must be eliminated and I need to find the best way to 'take him out'. Having only experienced combat from the detached sterility of a ship's operations room, (and then only with an off-watch matelot who wandered in pi$$ed from a run ashore and threw up on the radar), I need advice on doing it 'up close and personal'.

It all started last weekend. The Mariner's prostate is no longer seaworthy and I found myself at the bathroom door in the small hours of the morning, as I often do. On switching on the light, I was immediately aware of the intruder. I don't know who was more surprised - him or me. I recoiled in a mixture of shock and fear, knocking the medicine cabinet from its mountings. The bathroom instantly degenerated into a hellish maelstrom of Viagra, Preparation-H and denture fixative.

The intruder promptly legged it. In fact, all four of his legs were going like the clappers as his furry arrse disappeared behind the laundry basket. What I initially feared was the biggest, hairiest, most legless spider in Christendom proved to be a mouse!

Next door's cat is as much use as incontinence pads in a jacuzzi. A diet of tinned, free range, dolphin friendly, fair trade cat food has put him firmly in touch with his feminine side. I've tried 'catch and release' mouse traps baited with chocolate. All to no avail.

My question - what's next? Will spring traps work better than catch and release? Can anybody lend me a well 'ard, psycho, serial killer cat - a feline Harold Shipman? What about poison? Will I regret using it as my neighbour's pets die off one by one? Will I have to lift every floorboard in the house as the smell of slain and decomposing rodents becomes unbearable in the summer heat?

Fellow arrsers - help me.
 
#2
The newer finely balanced ones made out of prescision moulded plastic baited with chocolate do work, some times so well you can re-use the chocolate
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#3
Can I borrow your Viagra and Preperation-H? Does the combination make your piles stick out?
 
#4
The only solution is to train an anti-murine squad to counter your rodent insurgency. All you need is six rats, some very small uniforms, equally small weaponry, a scaled down version of the breacon beacons, a tiny (blue?) boathouse and a miniature clocktower. After a few months of intensive training you should be able to send them on a search and destroy mission in the bowels of your house.

Failing that, poison the little blighter.
 

Mr_Fingerz

LE
Book Reviewer
#5
Proper old fashioned spring traps loaded with peanut butter. Works every time.

The catch and release traps only encourage the little bggrs to keep coming back.






edited to add comment.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#6
Look. Never mind all this killing stuff. How about the Viagra-laced Preperation -H? Just in case I find myself at a lady's back door.
 
#7
A cake in the bottom of a bin - mouse will go in but can't get out.
Your house will need to have no other food sources left out though.
I know its a bit too humane maybe but I am a girl.
 
#8
How good a shot are you?

If excellent, purchase or borrow a .410 shotgun and give the blighter a quick puff od small shot.

If crap please re-think this idea, or ignore it altogether.
 
#9
bait trap with the Viagra and Preperation-H, I've no idea what the results will be , hopefuly amusing.
WW
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#10
Look; this is silly. I am trying to be considerate. I reckon Viagra will help me, and if I use Prep-H as a lubricant, I will be thought of as being very considerate. Now, can I borrow some or not?
 
#11
Find a piece of food you want to eat yourself or an item of clothing you wish left in pristine condition. Place it in an inaccessible location then OP it, with catty or air-rifle on priority call. The little b*stards just can't resist a challenge.

When it arrives with malice aforethought, bring to bear those finely-honed skills at 'projecting power' into play and secure the domestic trade routes from murine interdiction.

Or, just twat it with a meat tenderiser. Either's good.
 
#12
Have you considered tidying your house up you fithy tramp?
 
#14
I had this problem once with a verminous field mouse. Waited for nightfall, turned down the lights, and remained quiet until the creature emerged from its lair. Chased the bastard, which hid behind a large cupboard. Decided to gas the little bastard with insecticide, using a whole can, which resulted in a fit of pitiful mouse coughing. It staggered out from behind schrank looking a bit unwell, so I hit it on head with an ice axe. Job done.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#15
Ok, ok. I'll get my own pile cream. Anusol, wthat will do. But spare a viagra or three please?

Got anything else good in that cupboard?
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#16
I arrived home last summer to the Memsahib screaching about a mouse her cats had brought in, still alive in the kitchen. So I put him in a glass and announce I will release him in the woods. "But how will you know where his family live" she asks.

I still wake up in the night worrying about that one.

What? Oh, a solution. Torch the house and claim the insurance. Mice away and a new 42" plasma TV. Sorted.
 
#17
loubella said:
A cake in the bottom of a bin - mouse will go in but can't get out.
Your house will need to have no other food sources left out though.
I know its a bit too humane maybe but I am a girl.
Your confussing "Mouse Trap" with "Doris Trap".

I would suggest catching the mouse alive then doing a Ricard Gere and incerting it up you bottom with the Preperation H Viagra.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#18
There are a number of options apart from the obvious:

1. Cammed up face (for testosterone realism) with baseball bat, sitting very still.

2. Live catch mouse trap (www.outdoorsman.co.uk)

3. A semi-automatic air rifle (pump it full of rounds as it skids across the floor).

4. A fully automatic C02 powered BB pistol. Machine-pistol the barsteward into oblivion.

5. A piece of cheese.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#20
LordVonHarley said:
LordVonHarley said:
loubella said:
A cake in the bottom of a bin - mouse will go in but can't get out.
Your house will need to have no other food sources left out though.
I know its a bit too humane maybe but I am a girl.
Your confussing "Mouse Trap" with "Doris Trap".

I would suggest catching the mouse alive then doing a Ricard Gere and incerting it up you bottom with the Preperation H Viagra.
Now listen here! I have already put a bid in for that mixture, and as an elder statesman, I believe I should have first go with it.
 

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