Planning an Exercise for the Bairns

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by MOANING_BARSTEWARD, Jul 10, 2013.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. My brats are 8 and 5. They spend a lot of time doing feck all around the house staring at various different screens. I plan to take them on a 1 night exercise on the training area.

    I have bought an 80lb crossbow, I will conduct marksmanship training with them.

    I have a 3 man tent because they're soft as shite and worried about using a basher in case a fox gets them.

    I have some non alchoholic lager for them(they won't know), marshmellows, a 24hr rat pack each and enough water packed to keep them needing a piss every 5 minutes.

    It's important that this goes well because if the long haired genereal gets reports of a shit time being had then it will be the last time I get to bond with them without her coming along and being a fun sponge.

    So, my fellow Arrsers. Using your creative brains and witty fingers. What ideas / experiences do you have to make this a decent experience for me and the brats.

    As usual with my threads, NAAFI heads welcome but please slip the odd bit of serious advice in between the insults. I'd be grateful.
    • Like Like x 2
  2. There's a passage in one of the CHERUB books describing a training exercise for the kids. Short version: Trainers release live snakes (defanged) into kids' tents, along with smoke grenades and rubber bullets.
    Could be good for a laugh
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Tie a few pikey "tree- surgeons" wearing hi- vis waistcoats to trees, so they light up when you shine a torch on them.

    "Quick, kids, a silver bolt through the vampire's heart!"

    Fuck, that sounds like fun, can I come?
    • Like Like x 3
  4. Why not, bring your own vampires and marshmellows.
  5. I notice a distinct lack of shark infested custard fuelled initiative tasks

    I'd suggest that prepositioning a supply cache with aforementioned rat packs, tent etc will be preferable to them whinging like a bunch of officer cadets about their bag being too heavy, legs being sore, head being wobbly etc - and could easily be combined with some form of river crossing to get to the supplies!

    possibly with an attempt at survival kit fishing - surprise surprise you catch a bag full of aforementioned lager!

    tablet computer in bag to watch dog soldiers on whilst sitting in the tent?
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Some form of "bear hunt" in the dark would be a good idea. Barely gets really dark at this time of year so maybe wake them in the night and tell them you thought you heard a bear/badger/boar as you please then lead them on a wild goose chase for forty five minutes until it "escapes". Back in time for breakfast!
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Fishing and eating the catch is bound to be a winner. Depends where you're going of course. I think cooking over a fire would seem more exciting than watching hexi telly.
  8. I like your style. The General will not.
  9. The bear hunt is a winner. Fishing will be no go but you are correct about the hexi. proper fire is the way forward I reckon. Will just have to make sure the little lemmings don't stick their arm in with the marshmellows.

    • Like Like x 1
  10. Aye she'll go fucking mental at de-cam time.
  11. Wordsmith

    Wordsmith LE Book Reviewer

    Make up some flour bombs. Put them on sentry duty. Moaning Barsteward attempts to sneak up on them. In the event of sentries spotting intruder, sentries open fire with flour bombs...

  12. I had planned on snaring a couple of rabbits but when I tested the water my little girl asked if we could just catch a rabbit and keep it as a pet. Soft arse has been ruined with affection.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Children love three things best. Violence, mischief and Werewolves. So, pick a local hamlet / farm / Tesco and tell the kids they are werewolves. Teach them to howl like a werewolf. The werewolves creep up on the hamlet / farm / Tesco howling like werewolves and it is a result when a light comes on / somebody screams / the blueys show up. If it comes on top you give it "My children were just playing. Sorry".

    Alternatively snare a rabbit live then shag it to death, giving them memories of Daddy they will recount with joy for the rest of their lives.
    • Like Like x 3
  14. I'm not sure if you can call raping a rabbit mischief but you made me laugh. I f I could press the like button, I would.
  15. Three days solid trench digging in the rain. Minimum scran then when they are hallucinating through lack of sleep call endex and tell them to fill in trench
    • Like Like x 5