Pimped Ice Cream Vans To Be Used in The Sandpits

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Tremaine, Apr 13, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Coming up at Reuters and on satellite telly I have to say. Seems fecking daft.
    I cant type but the g/f is tapping away as the News item enfolds.

    "British Forces deployed to Afghanistan in support of the UN authorised, NATO led International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) gave a rousing thumbs up to the latest initiative."

    Ministers claimed, "The Americans have covertly operated "snack shacks" in combat theatres for several years. I felt it was time to offer this facility to our brave lads as well."

    A critic at the civil service had the temerity to point out to the minister that the American "Stan vans" are armour plated and have a fifty calibre machine gun mounted on top. Any insurgent trying to get their hands on a "corndog" with French Fries or a free "Snicker" bar is in for one hell of a shock. Conversely, the British vans are largely composed of glass fibre and a 1970's Bedford Wheel base. The 1250cc engine and four-speed gear box offer little hope of withstanding an attack from a growing group of resourceful, determined and fanatically committed insurgents.

    The offending flunky from the M.O.D was soon dispatched to the Verrocchio Ice cream emporium for driving lessons in anticipation of his new "roll" as a tricycle driver and static kiosk attendant in the British Army's offshoot of the catering corps.

    Ministers acknowledged that some fundamental changes need to be made if the Mr Whippy's" are to be deployed in combat. "We plan to repaint them in desert camouflage and replace the rear warning sign of, "Watch that child he may be deaf," with, "Watch that Helmand child, he may be wearing a suicide belt".

    UK Special Forces are said to be currently enjoying a cornet from covertly deployed vans and static, camouflaged kiosks in Helmand province.

    Brigadier William ***** claimed that, "Moral has been lifted among SAS units, the men of 43 Commando and The third Parachute regiment at the prospect of a cornet, or ice lolly during a prolonged firelight."
    One Corporal claimed, "When we get "tombstoned" and the air is thick with incoming mortar rounds, RPGs and heavy gunfire, I like nothing more than a 99 flake with raspberry sauce as we cower under the concrete slabs. I feel right refreshed and ready to take the fight back to the bastards afterward. In addition to a Cornetto, you can get some ammo clips as well. If it's a busy day though with lots of "contacts" anticipated you need to place your orders for ice cream, confectionery and ammunition in advance to make sure they can meet demand".

    Dick concluded by saying how happy it makes him to hear the familiar sound of the Mr Whippy as it rounds the corner during a pitched battle or ambush.

    "The Taliban are fond of a lolly but won't touch anything if it's not Hallal. Some of the more enterprising vans plan to stock a comprehensive range of pornographic magazines and "lads mags" to enjoy during a lull in the fighting.

    "We appreciate this initiative claimed one Captain but what we really need is some decent armour and vehicles. I just don't see a full scale deployment of Mr Whippys being little more than a diversion from the real problem of being stuck in this shithole"

    Regards
    Stella
    (his g/f) xxx
     
  2. Just ship over Wolfgang from Sennelager.
     
  3. Oh in Theatre, doh! I had visions of "Act one, Scene one, Mr Whippy appears......" Silly me. I do hope the ice cream trikes will be up armoured to meet the IED threat. The devastation caused by 150 litres of flying neapolitan ice cream would be terrible.
     
  4. Would this be the fellow who could drive places where a no mere mortal vehicle could not.
     
  5. Wolfgang did manage to get to places in his mercedes van, that would tax some 4wd vehicles, but he did get stuck on occasion.

    We rescued him once, got a yellow handbag for our troubles.
     
  6. In the papers today :
    (By Stella (his g/f , and who will shortly be charging him for writing all this crap)

    "The devastation caused by 150 litres of flying neapolitan ice cream would be terrible"

    Yes indeed, and it's the lumps that's the problem there isn't it? Not to mention cold burns, and frostbite. Revenge is a dish best served cold (or frozen if you get the point).

    "The Ice Cream Vans are mooted to be stocking "Senna Pops" the undisclosed secret solution to hordes of insurgents roaming the desserts :roll: Sources believe that exploding cornets may be sold, or even that seductive jingles could be played at full volume from the Vans. What those jingles might be is under wraps and no one is telling. but we believe that Religious Audio and Songs, and Recitations which "they" like are now being recorded to lure insurgents to their doom, to whit: the secret deadly cornets. Whilst the prospect of such strange Ice Cream Vans roaming the deserts are ridiculous, well, what self respecting insurgent of a poarticular persuasion could resist such attractive tunes followed up with a nice cold (but deadly, remember) Ice Cream, in these scorching climes?

    The whole concept may seem ludicrous, but remember the antics of World War 2 boffins, all those laughable gadgets and ruses employed by spooks and even SOE? In retrospect, the idea may not be so daft after all."

    Regards
    Stella xx (his g/f)
     
  7. as the snake asks you will fix them over there, they are used to UK weather not 'stan sand etc
     
  8. Not tru actally, with all due rispect for your contribution, Sir. British military enginers have alredy been famil thingyed, brought up to date. Manuels have been printed and held in Theatre for quite sometime. Allegidlee.

    And what we could do with actully, are pics of these things. It's hi time this thing was brort in from the cold.

    Sorry, Stella has had a mardee fit. Bitch. Hope u can reed this.
     
  9. I believe you, but will the yanks be allowed to have any?
     
  10. Well, wudyou give a bunch of crazy septics these things? I would thin not, since they'd probly write them all off in a day or so, no dout they will be mighty jelous though eh? :wink:

    Stella, grow the feck up now will you?
     
  11. ha ha see you point
     
  12. Exaccly. But wee mustnt let on and its a seecret between us, ok? Opsec and all that.

    Stella, pleese come back , I'll let u have Mr Winky if you do. I need a tipist.
    Bitch.
     
  13. we could name the ice creams aboma, forgive spelling they no yank will touch it
     
  14. prototype we beleive, they have to concider that heat though am shure they wil get it rite in the end. I havee to go now as Stella is demannding pork for suppa. If anyone has ferther inteligence or breaking news, please keeep us up to date.


    "Clasified"
     

    Attached Files:

  15. is stella a woman or code name for a belgium beer?