Pilot logs (dont flame me if its been done before)

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by discodan, Jul 2, 2005.

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  1. After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
    The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

    Note: Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident.

    P = The problem logged by the pilot
    S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance people.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
  2. Cargo flight into sunny Angola - full of sheep, one of the sheep fell out, on to the runway.

    The pilot, ex-RAF type, was told by the tower

    "there's a dead sheep on the runway"

    and the pilot said

    "not again you tw@ts"

  3. As a former Civil Aviation Licenced engineer you would be on very dangerous ground withe snappy answers as in 'Quantas' statements, for every answer is a Legal Statement which would convict you in a Cival Court of Law.
    We all saw amusing answers place in aircraft maintainance Log Books, (the Form 700) by young lads in the Forces done it mi self, but all where ammended by the Supervisor who also was legally responsible.
    I do not doubt that back in the dark ages people got away with such games and very amusing too, but too much PC these days.
  4. theres always one fucking jobsworth isnt there... jesus... cant we just have our fun without some BELLEND spoiling it...

    no offence Jon... respect what you used do for a living... but fook me take some time off :)
  5. Heard ages ago about WW2 American bomber crews. Since adapted to cover more modern kit. Since when has Qantas needed IFF? Or should i say when have they fitted IFF to their planes?
  6. Its out of date anyway: says Quantas has never had a major accident.

    I've re-dubbed my copy of Rainman: Hoffman now says "Quantas dont crash MUCH "

  7. hey dont shoot the messenger... I just copied it lol
  8. .... & pasted it.
    That's consideered to be a crime punishable by mao mao, by some around here.


  9. roflmao... whatever :)
  10. Dan if you where the last person on earth I would not Fook an ex Kingsman.
    Not now not then never ever in a million years.
    john the boreing barsteaward.
    PS. Where ya in BK in 1990, if so we have another young Kingsman living here, John ? I'll dig his surmane out that is if scousers have them issued.