Piles. Go on, take the piss.

D

Deleted 16817

Guest
Right, just had a minor case of piles over a fairly strenuous course, which cleared up pretty quickly after shoving a pill the size of a .45 up my rickter. Apparently they were caused by dehydration, lack of decent food (thank you PAYD) and carrying heavy weights. My questions are:

1. what is the army policy towards piles? Especially towards someone who is still in training?

2. what is the possability of them returning? I'm about to head off on another lengthy strenuous course and would be happy to hear that as long as I take care of my rickter it wont be back.

feel free to take the piss, but when you've stopped laughing could I get some advice?
 

Bugsy

LE
You'll be issued with a "pile cushion", which is a sliver of foam-rubber you shove into the nick of yer arse and which has a circular cut-out at ringpiece height to nestle yer piles in. Easy, innit?

MsG
 
T

Tremaine

Guest
Terribly sorry to hear this. Of course it isn't a laughing matter and fairly painful. Just remember that they shouldn't extend more than two centimeters beyond the rear, best to tuck them in, you see, or try larger denims.








More sensible
 
Go see an MO/GP and don't expect any sort of vaguely sensible answer on here. You are (remember) literally talking out of (or more accurately about) your arse.

And the good news is that this year looks like being a really good grape harvest. And the bad news is that if anybody shows any genuine concern, the piles will be the least of your worries.
 
I feel very bad I read you and I can identify with you too. I feel like I'm passing by when I am going! I think I should be piles up too ..... it hurts a lot.
As it is anesthetic, I have bought germaloid. It has not been used yet but it is used ..... I'm looking for a miracle cure!
I think I need to book an ayurvedic treatment Vedas piles cure.

Just feel better to know I'm not alone. When you are in your world

In one of his books Spike Milligan mentioned suffering from piles during the fighting in North Africa.
 
Instant coffee is a well-known cause of piles. If you drink instant coffee it might be worth giving it up. I had them badly for years, then the doc suggested I give up, and sure enough the piles stopped. Every now and then I have an instant coffee when somebody makes it and it would be rude to refuse, and the next day I'm in pain again.
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
Piles - it's a real bummer.

Perhaps some light reading would help take your mind off it:

1570709425257.png
 

Ritch

LE
In one of his books Spike Milligan mentioned suffering from piles during the fighting in North Africa.

Well if the OP is still suffering from piles after ten years, I'm sure he'd be over the moon for that little pearl of wisdom - unlike the pearls hanging out of his hoop.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Holy resurrection lookfar! Still reminds me of a piece of advice/information dispensed to me in my last term at IJLB by the Drill Sgt Jan Hooper. We were waiting for the CO to come and tell us what nice little boys we all were when Hooper came in to the room and from absolutely nowhere said something along the lines of: You are all Infantrymen, if you keep your rifle clean and your nose clean you will get the three Ps, Promotion, Piles and a Pension! :)
 
Holy resurrection lookfar! Still reminds me of a piece of advice/information dispensed to me in my last term at IJLB by the Drill Sgt Jan Hooper. We were waiting for the CO to come and tell us what nice little boys we all were when Hooper came in to the room and from absolutely nowhere said something along the lines of: You are all Infantrymen, if you keep your rifle clean and your nose clean you will get the three Ps, Promotion, Piles and a Pension! :)

Yes, 10 years, I wonder if that is a record and if the OP is now sitting comfortably. I would have suggested prune juice to him but if he hasn't figured that out by now then I'm afraid I have no sympathy.
 
I have Pile as its singular I blame the Army to much stress & hearing seniors talking b0ll0cks.
Sometimes flares up & doc gives soothing cream, not as bad as fanny itch the wife gets.
No adverts on piles cream, but loads about fanny itch, are piles not that important?
 
You get piles when sitting on the toilet and trying to squeeze a jobby out - best thing is to eat food with lots of fibre (or something that holds water), and make sure you are hydrated. Also when you go to the toilet - don't squeeze - just let it come out naturally at its own pace.
If you end up needing to squeeze to have a jobby - probably you should invest in a self enema kit to help you and save you from a world of pain. Also you get creme to put on the piles to stop swelling - and therefore the pain. You can also get piles removed - it's a quick medical procedure (you'll be sorted in less than a day).

PS. Once you have piles - you pretty much always have them...forever.
 

Old Stab

LE
Book Reviewer
I have Pile as its singular I blame the Army to much stress & hearing seniors talking b0ll0cks.
Sometimes flares up & doc gives soothing cream, not as bad as fanny itch the wife gets.
No adverts on piles cream, but loads about fanny itch, are piles not that important?
You sure it's not bum cancer?
 

PFGEN

GCM
Right, just had a minor case of piles over a fairly strenuous course, which cleared up pretty quickly after shoving a pill the size of a .45 up my rickter. Apparently they were caused by dehydration, lack of decent food (thank you PAYD) and carrying heavy weights. My questions are:

1. what is the army policy towards piles? Especially towards someone who is still in training?

2. what is the possability of them returning? I'm about to head off on another lengthy strenuous course and would be happy to hear that as long as I take care of my rickter it wont be back.

feel free to take the piss, but when you've stopped laughing could I get some advice?

Wire brush and Dettol; three times a day.

Surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet. I'll get my coat.
 

FORMER_FYRDMAN

LE
Book Reviewer
Yes, 10 years, I wonder if that is a record and if the OP is now sitting comfortably. I would have suggested prune juice to him but if he hasn't figured that out by now then I'm afraid I have no sympathy.

Not even close. Someone dredged up something from 2003 a short while ago. I think most of the original respondents to that one are now dead.
 
Do you like money?



Put your hand on my arrse I've got piles.
 

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