Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by vvaannmmaann, May 6, 2008.
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Whats the best,cream or suppositories?
Fire! lots of Fire!
A large pair of pliers.
Wire Brush and Dettol?
Personaly I prefer the cactus wrapped in barbed wire method, always cleans out the piles no sweat.
Side effects may include but not limited to:
Severe itching. Anal leakage, Rampant Diareah,
Blood loss, lack of libido, no libido, no girlfriend,
no arrsehole and in certain extreme cases
loss of life.
An a generous helping of Surgical spirit
Blow-lamp and paint scraper always do the trick.
You lot ought to be ashamed. Fella comes in here asking for medical advice and all you lot do is take the P1ss... fekking outraged.
Take no notice of these numb skulls mate.
Best thing to do buddy is cauterise em, stick a red hot poker up your arrse... that should do the trick...
First degree piles are swellings on the inside lining of the anal canal. They bleed but can't be seen from outside the anus.
Second degree piles are larger and stick out (or prolapse) from the anus when you open your bowels, but return on their own afterwards.
Third degree piles are similar, but hang out from the anus and only return inside when pushed back in.
Fourth degree piles permanently hang down from the anus and you can't push them back inside. They may become extremely swollen and painful if the blood in them clots.
Swellings that develop from below the anal cushions are sometimes called external piles. They can be more painful than the other types of piles. Other causes of lumps around the anus can include a "sentinel pile", which is the painless skin tag that develops when a crack in the anus (an anal fissure) heals up. Also, a collection of blood under the skin, called a peri-anal haematoma, may also be referred to as a type of external pile. The treatment of these conditions is different from true piles.
Common symptoms of piles include:
bright red blood from your anus, which you may notice on the toilet paper when wiping, or in the toilet bowl a lump on the anus
pain and discomfort after you have opened your bowels
a slimy discharge of mucus, which may cause itching
a feeling that your bowels haven't emptied completely
soiling underwear (with third or fourth degree piles)
Bright red blood from the anus is most likely to come from piles, rather than anything more serious. However, if you are unsure whether the bleeding is due to piles, you should visit your GP for advice.
If you have daily bowel movements that are solid but soft, and you don't need to strain, faeces will pass easily and will not put pressure on the blood vessels in your anal area.
To keep your bowel movements soft, you should:
eat plenty of fibre-rich foods such as fruit, vegetables and wholegrain cereals (eg brown rice, wholemeal bread and wholemeal pasta)
drink plenty of water
You shouldn't spend too much time on the toilet (reading, for example). Regular warm baths may relieve irritation and help to keep the area clean.
If you are still passing hard or infrequent faeces, you could try a fibre supplement such as ispaghula husk (eg Fybogel) or mild laxatives such as lactulose, which soften faeces. Don't use strong laxatives, such as the stimulant laxative senna, unless your doctor advises you to.
There are a number of over-the-counter treatments that can help relieve the symptoms of piles, but won't cure them.
Soothing creams, ointments and suppositories may ease pain and itchiness. There are many different products available without prescription. Some contain a local anaesthetic such as lidocaine.
Products containing corticosteroids, such as Anugesic-HC and Proctosedyl, may reduce inflammation and pain.
To quote Dr Evil: 'Preperation H feels good on the whole'
As long as that wasn't what caused them in the 1st place!
Charlotte darling - WTF are you on FFS! This is the NAAFI, not the Readers Digest Medical Letters page!
This is serious!
1 x Cold Damp Cloth
1 x Dry hand towel towel
1 x Kitchen Roll
1 x Glass of tap water
1 x Small mirror
1 x Bath
1 x Box of tissues
1 x Bowl of Salty Water
1 x Box of Neurofen
1 x Tube Deep Heat
1 x Small Wooden Baton
1 x Scalpel/razor
1 x Pair of Tweezers/Needlenose Pliers
Step 1 - Take 2 Neurofen with a glass of water, allow 30 mins to take effect.
Step 2 - Pull trousers down, sit on edge of bath, with anus/piles hanging over bath.
Step 3 - Using one hand, hold the mirror underneath anus in such a position as to allow said piles to be visible.
Step 4 - Take small wooden baton and place between teeth.
Step 5 - With baton in mouth, grab the skin around the arrse-graps tightly, using the needlenose pliers or tweezers for better purchase.
Step 6 - Pull the gromits away from your choccy starfish (make sure they are well away), and use scalpel to slice away piles. If no scalpel is available, simply shave the offending skin off akin to a meat slicer until the surface is flush.
Step 7 - Wet hand towel in bowl of salty water and wipe liberally over skin lesions to cleans the area.
Step 8 - Dry affected area using lots of kitchen roll.
Step 9 - When the affected area is dry, remove yourself to your bedroom and lie down on your stomach with your arrse in the air.
Step 10 - Ensuring the skin is dry, and the cuts have stopped bleeding, apply liberal amounts of Deep Heat to keep moisture from getting into the wounds.
Step 11 - Use tissues to dry eyes, and take Neurofen as needed (taking care not to exceed the stated dose (always read the label).
Step 12 - Insert tsome tissues into ear canals, remove wooden baton, and any teeth still attached to it.
I have it on good authority that ra good application of aljex, while not curing the problem, gives your mates hours of entertainment, not to mention the milage they'll get from the story down the pub in the future
Let your medical officer take a look and do the rubbing in for you. On couch, lay side on, knees to chest, hairy arsed Major rooting about. Lovely stuff. A cure and payback at the same time.
I most humbly apologise....but PILES FFS! eugh!
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