Pikeys

#4
They're over here on the continent now doing the old, "we've got some tarmac left over, we could do your drive with it" number. Amazing how many Germans fall for that one.
 
#5
A tinker moved into a nice detached house in Ballsbridge. The stockbroker next door wasn't chuffed to have a knacker living over the wall but he had no choice. One day he was out washing the car and the pikey addressed him from over the fence. "that's a fine car you have there sorr, that would be a BMW 7 series I'm thinking? Ah indeed. That's a fine car. I only have the 5 series meself though, so you've a better car than me sorr."

A couple of days later he's out cutting the grass and the pikey starts again over the fence. "Ah is that a Flymo super 2000 you have there sorr? Ah that's a fine lawn mower so it is. I've the 1500 meself so I'd say you have a better lawn mower than I do indeed sorr."

Two days later up pops the pikey over the fence. "Ah that's a lovely house you have there sorr. The five bedrooms and detached, nice swimming pool eh so? arragh but I have a better house than you sorr."

Stung the stockbroker asks how the pikey figures that, as the houses are both five bedroom, detached houses with pools.

"Ah well sorr, to be sure I don't have a knacker living next door to me..."
 
#9
St Peter is sitting outside the pearly gates when a ghostly Hiace van pulls up and disgorges a horde of Members of the Travelling Community.
"Who are you lot then?" the puzzled Peter asks and is answered with shouts of "We're the Connors boss, so we are, the Connors!"
Peter flicks through his book and asks "Where from?"
"No fixed abode Boss!"
After some futile searching, Peter sighs and tells them, "You're not in this book, Boys. Wait here for a few minutes."
A few minutes later, Peter returns and discovers that the Travellers have gone, but so are the gates.
 
#10
Today I watched a fully loaded skip lorry do an emergency stop as a horse and cart with two gypsy's on it came out of a side road straight in front of it. I should think there was more than one set of skid marks.
 
#11
The Connors? I think you mean the Doyles, the Lees or the O'Sullivans...
 
#12
Limerick pikey walks into a Sports Shop. He says 'Howya, boss. Any
jobs going, boss. lovely day, boss'. The shop owner says, 'Listen don't call me boss. Don't call anyone boss.
They will know that you're a pikey. Go home, clean yourself up and
come back to me.'

Limerick pikey goes home, gets a haircut and a suit, has a shower
and comes back to the shop. 'Good afternoon sir, I was wondering would there be any vacancies in your shop at the moment' Shop owner replies, 'As it happens I do. You look very familiar'. Limerick pikey says, 'I was in last week sir, you told me to come back'.

Shop owner: 'God, you look great! Well done! Let's do a trial run. The next customer that comes in, I will serve them and show you how it's done. Then you can have a go and we'll see how you get on'

A customer walks in. 'Hi, I was looking for a tennis racket'.

Shop Owner replies, 'Is that for grass or hard surface? There is a big difference in the type of racket you need'.

Customer: 'I didn't know that. Thanks a million. It's for a grass court'.

Shop Owner: 'Ok then, sir. Over there on the high shelf are all the grass court rackets. Have a look and help yourself'. The customer chooses the one he likes, pays for it, thanks the shop owner and leaves the shop.

Shop Owner to the Limerick pikey, 'Now you see how it's done. Here
comes another customer. You have a go'.

Limerick pikey: 'Good afternoon sir. How are you today? Welcome to
our shop and how can I help?'

Customer: 'Good afternoon to you too. I am looking for a baseball bat'.

Limerick pikey: 'No problem sir, we have a large supply.

Would that be for a funeral or a wedding?'
 
#14
And for those that missed it so many wonderful years ago:

 
#15
Since the price of scrap went up they're all over here either tatting, nicking lead or both.
 
#16
Since the price of scrap went up they're all over here either tatting, nicking lead or both.
Sounds very old fashioned. Round here (Brize/Carterton/Bampton/Lechlade) they're timing coordinated dispersals among the local shops to ask cashiers if they can change their crisp new "twenty pound notes" into tenners from the till, travelling from town to town in spanking new Range Rover Sports.
 
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