Phoney Jobs!!!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by hurrahfortheRE, Jul 13, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. What the best phoney jobs you've made up to try and impress the Ladies.

    Starter for 10 !


    Explaining that you are flown out onto icebergs by helichopter then drill a hole through the berg, drop down your engine and steer them safely out of shipping lanes to avoid titanic type destruction :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
  2. Plant Operator mechanic

    Yeah right.
  3. dolphin trainer in miami convinced the tart that dolphins responded better to Lancastrian accents than american she fell for it hook line and a sinker.
  4. royal corps of fishing.

    underwater wood welder.

    underwater torpedo tube tester.

    SQUADDIE.............................always worked in the Medway :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
  5. Once said I was an acadamy player at the Boro... got my leg over and then dropped myself in it saying I was late for work at the turkey factory. D'oh!!
  6. is there a difference having watched the uefa cup final 8O 8O 8O 8O
  7. I told a Girl I worked on ferry cardecks moving all the cars around in order to balance the boat.
    Initially she didnt beleive me, until i pointed out that you are told to leave your keys in the car - so that the cardeck crews can do their jobs.

    The stupid are there to be abused right?
  8. Mate of mine used to delight in dressing his 2 lads (8 and 10) in mini C95. (which, as an aside, his ex-wife fecking hated...

    He'd then take the lads down to the park and tell pram faced horrors that they were Cruise missile pilots in training.
  9. On the piss we used to tell chicks we were fighter pilots... We were only 16, but somehow they believed us!!!!
  10. Drug dealer.Tell them you have sh1t loads at home and your c0ck will be sucked raw before the club closes.
  11. British bob-sleigh team. In america on R&R from belieze. One of the lads had a pot on his ankle, so we told them he broke it falling off the sled, after we hit a milk-float on the cresta run!!! On the same holiday we were, drincess Di's BG team (she happened to be there at the time), Trainee lighthouse keepers - 'no, honest love, we've got a lighthouse on the manchester ship canal. If we get it wrong and the boats bunp into the bank or each other it 'ain't so bad 'cos they're only small! When wequalify we get a proper lighthouse out at sea!!!' We also told them we paid our way by painting them - i did the red stripes and my mate did the white ones!!
    Our best one was when he claimed to be a crab Sqn leader incharge of 25 harriers. When asked if I was a pilot too I replied ' No, I'm his batman!' A long conversation ensued about my duties and why I did it. 'well, you see, his dad is a lord and we're both due to leave the forces at the same time, I'm after the butlers job at the big house!!!' The upshot of all this was he got binned for being a snob and I got a sympathy sh*g, 'cos she thought I was one of the down-trodden masses!!
  12. Underwater fireman - incase those gas/oil pipes catch fire in the sea!

    Underwater Digger Driver - bury the cables/pipes on the sea floor!

    Pimp - sell your mates to the women, they get laid, and you get paid! (and laided!)

    Haggis hunter! - if talking to Septics!! long conversations about how they have legs on one side longer than the other so they can runm around the highlands, which incedently where cleared during the infamous Highland Clearances to enable the Haggis to be farmed, (they are not battery farmed but freerange) hense why you have to hunt them!
  13. Hahaha - I did that one only claimed to be a Wanderer's pre-season signing from a Conference club who's name I made up. Only works in Bolton, that one, and only pre - season.
  14. Royal Airborne Overseas Commando....still works lol
  15. Starnge names for kids. Couldn't he have called them Tom and George or something?