Phantom Logger

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by the_rigger, Feb 19, 2003.

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  1. Was it just  coincidence that it happened at all the units I served in, or does every regiment/batallion in the army have a phantom sh*tter?
    I recall one particular dung circa 1987 that was so heavily girthed  it had to be chopped up to enable it to fit down the U bend!
    Another phantom would leave his bum toffee on a cookhouse plate outside a victim's room, most saturday and sunday mornings.
  2. I think they are standard in many units.

    What about the turd burglar who would sneak behind his prey who had gone for a sly shovel recce, place a spade under him while he drops his load, then sneaks away and disposes of it elsewhere.

    Only for the victim to stand up confused as to where Frank Brunos leg had gone, and how something invisible could hurt so much
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  3. Had one in Berlin, only he liked to wipe it into the back of toilet doors.  Could never understand the enjoyment he got out of it.  Loads of swirly patterns and flower designs.  Didn't help when one needed a good dump after a night out, only to find all three cubicles like that.  Case of hold nose, don't look, and hope your hand or clothing didn't rub off on it.  Dirty basstard.
  4. The block bogs in Minden had the standard, dump on a platform before flushing set up.

    The unspoken SOP amongst the chaps was that if it was deemed big enough to show off, or a horrendous colour, pebbledash etc, then you should leave it there unflushed and go into the next cublicle and wipe!

    Oh the cries on a Monday morning ;D

    Anyone from Minden recall the time when Spen the Trog released a scream for the bogs when he found Earth Kitt on the wrong end of the bog immediate hunt for a puff commenced.
  5. The worst phantom logger used to be the one just before an inspection........where a presteign lavatory  had been attacked by a lumberjack......2 minutes previous to a major inspection........the words 'sorry sir it wasnt there 2 minutes ago', didnt help in the slightest.
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  6. Yep, know that one.
    You come back and some comedian's left his Brad Pitt in the steel sinks.  :p
  7. The Navy call it "crimping off a length" and do it in the shoes/boots of people they don't like.
  8. Heard a story whilst talking to an ex colleague today

    When he left he fell on hard times and was sacked from stacking shelves a Littlewoods, he waged a personal vendetta against the entire company and to date he has curled one out in nearly every lift on the company, he travels on days off to do the deed and drives home smiling.

    It has become a company concern and there are alledgedly bulletins and memorandums flying round about the serial lift pooer
  9. As mentioned by donut - aren't German platform bogs weird? And yet there is something strangely satisfying about admiring your dung in it's full glory.
    Mind you, I knew a dude who did a massive cack once, and as the beast broke away, it fell forward and skimmed his ball bag. How traumatising?
    By the way, I would like to nominate the army green sock as the best catching rag ever made.
  10. Such was the concern regarding "The Phantom Exercise Sh*tter" during an Artillery Camp in the early 80's that the Battery Commander was moved to call a special parade at which all were berated about this disgusting practice.
    The following morning the BC awoke to find that the Phantom had snuck into his 9x9 and curled one down on top of his Alladin Heater whilst he slept  -(which was lit, as it was a little parky at night for the poor BC)
    I don't think the BC had toast and egg banjos made on top of his heater for a while
  11. Similar story, to above but not the same

    Duty driver was tasked to go back to camp from the ranges to pick up white lumpy boxes and tea urns.

    On return was tasked to go elsewhere, out of spite and jackness he left the lid off the tea urn and let it go cold, also raided the good bits out of the white boxes. He asked us to save him a box and left.....We suspected he was guilty of the theft and the act of Jackness so it was decided someone should snap one off in his lumpy box

    On his return, starving and hacked off with the German traffic he opened his lumpy box only to sea a brown trout staring at him.............Being a bit of a sick puppy and not one to be beaten he picked it up and bit the end off! the rest was thrown in the direction of the rest of us, who were by now fleeing in all directions looking for somewhere to heave.

    Such fond memories of range days
  12. Ventress

    Ventress LE Moderator

    I used to like haveing a $hite in Norway al fresco, to turn quick and watch the hot ended jobby sink like the Titanic- well you had to be there!

    The jobby shovel thief was also very humerous!

    Plus one of my old bosses had a log curled into his mug at work over a weekend and he wanted to have it DNA'd!
  13. Poo games must be a squaddie thing

    All my civvy mates are repulsed when I relay such tales of merriment
  14. Soldier_Why

    Soldier_Why LE Moderator

    Doesn't happen as much these days due to the ready availability of portaloos (one of the advantages of having females in the unit I suppose).  But my own personal favourite from the old days was moving into a location on exercise which had a delapidated, unused farmhouse thingy on site.  First thing the SSM did was ban any toms from entering it ( health risk apparently but I reckon him and the OC were shacking up in there) and on no circumstances was the phantom sh*tter to go anywhere near the unusable and unplumbed toilet therein.

    Course the first thing the lads did was vary their diet to see how many different coloured turds they could get in there................................
  15. did anyone ever actually play freckles or suicide freckles (mouth and eyes open)?