Pet issues

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mighty_doh_nut, Aug 13, 2005.

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  1. My golden retriever is now 9 years old, been a belting pet and relatively loyal. Thick as fcuk but faithful and never snapped or snarled, even when the little one nearly pulled its bollox off and thumbed his eyes into the backs of its sockets.

    Sherlock is rapidy approaching his winter years and in Doggy time is in his sixties.

    Late last week he had a minor heart attack and his hips are becoming a little weak.

    Five years ago I was going through some really rough times, and couldn;t afford to feed him, and being a selfish cnut didn't want him rehomed..... I elected to shoot him, but with a blackpowder .44 Ruger between his cute eyes, this ruffy tuffy puff couldn't pull the trigger.

    Times are different now, I've just been saddled with a £300 vets bill and he warned me that his health over the next two years will deteriorate.

    Its £27 to have him put down, then another £280 to have him cremated (the thick fraus request)

    or... it works out about £0.08p for a lead ball and a sachet of blackpowder

    If I compare this too my granny... she cost me fortunes in a rest home, granted the vets fees were free... but three years @ £250 per week hit me hard... If I'd shot her in the face with a pistol I'd be quids in now, I could have avoided the funeral costs by dumping her in a skip.

    I'm in a quandry, I cast the floor open to advise......... if the vote goes to the bullet...... I'll do it live via webcam :D
  2. I'd be very careful there.

    If you shoot Sherlock, the average male IQ in your house will decrease by 85%
  3. Sounds like a missed opportunity there mate, if you had set the dog on granny all those years ago, he would have been destroyed and you would have had two birds with one stone! Of course, if there are any kids on the estate that you don't like........... :lol:
  4. Or I could take the Aunty Stella approach to dealing with troublesome pets.

    'Kick the cnuting thing senseless until its laying in a pool of its own puke, p1ss, blood and slavver' then tell the kids its gone to kitten / puppy heaven where Jesus is stroking him right now'

    Tell us its not the truth that you left that puppy at the bottom of the garden and went out every couple of hours to see if it was dead? tell us that when it lived longer than you thought you didn't make like a green jacket and treat to a swipe with a spade.

    Why would I seek your advice in pet care when you are a dog murdering heathen?
  5. Slug weeps. If the dawg (sniff sniff) is poorly, then he has to go.

    I remember taking my deutche shaeffer hund (sp) to get his "bits" done. Poor lad. It took two injections to try and get him to sleep. Tequila would have worked better on him. He liked tequila. He went through all the stages: Let's Partay; you're my best mate you are; Feck it - who wants a fight; Oh look, I am tired and can no longer stand. (Thanks Tony-G)

    Then I let him join th'Army. He liked barking, biting people and running. When I gave him to th'army (the dodgy funny eyed git), he was trotting along as if to say "Look mum, I can walk nicely, don't give me away".

    Then I won a prize on the quiz on BFBS, whilst still crying.
  6. It was a cat, not a dog and it was most definitley dead after the first blow.

    Fcuk it, all cats deserve to die

    And so does Dale
  7. I say use the Ole' Widowmaker. And if the frau wants a cremation, she can pull the effing trigger. Otherwise it's the 3 S's: Shoot, Shovel, Shut up.
  8. save the £280.00 on the cremation and simply take him home and have him turned into a fireside rug

    and his nadgers will make a handy "coin purse"

    surely recycling is the right way to go .... any other suggestions for a 101 uses of MDN's dead dog??
  9. I was waiting ages for a witty retort then, and lo and behold, I was disappointed. There was a spelling mistake.

    I do agree that cats should be shovelled however. Stinking things.
  10. 280 quid for a cremation? couldn't you just burn it in the back garden? an added bonus would be the wails of childish grief as it's eyeballs pop and the smoke starts to pour out of it's nostrils...:D

    Tell you what, for a hundred quid plus postage and packing, send me the remains, and I will take it on board and throw it in the ship's gash incinerator.
  11. No you wont, you just want to bum a dead dog dont you.
  12. Sadly I can't get away with just dumping it.

    The Mrs is a little on the sentimental side, I had her crappy mut destroyed a few years ago, buried it and she demanded I dig it up and take it to be dealt with properly.


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  13. excellent dog in a box great for people who live in high rises
  14. You made cigars out of it??